Wraiths of Darkness

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Let it never be said that Bolter and Chainsword supports Democracy... :D

 

Homeworld it is!

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Homeworld (cont.)

 

The tribes of the daemon world are seperated by their worship. The largest tribe worships Tzeentch, as the Master of Change. The next most powerful tribe worships Khorne, as the Master of War. All others worship the world itself, as the Master of Life. In the tribes, when one wants a favor from that which he worships he must supplicate it with sacrifice, sacrifice usually being another human. Those who follow Tzeentch usually sacrifice a rival; for those who follow Khorne it is some powerful enemy. The worshippers of the planet care not who they sacrifice so long as enough blood is spilt to appease the ground that controls them.

 

The majority of these sacrifices are gained in battle, usually in raids. The point of most of these raids is the sacrifices themselves, for what can be stolen that the Masters cannot grant? One cannot be considered a man until they have evidence of the Master's favor. Those who accomplish this the fastest dissappear suddenly, with one talisman left behind - a symbol of the Master that the now aspirant worshipped. These worships continue for young tribesmen into marinehood. The exception to this is those who once worshipped the Master of Life, for they now worship the Warp itself, and it is known as the Master of Death.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Dark Apostle Thirst

[Ace Debonair]

Homeworld (cont.)

 

The tribes of the daemon world are seperated by their worship. The largest tribe worships Tzeentch, as the Master of Change. The next most powerful tribe worships Khorne, as the Master of War. All others worship the world itself, as the Master of Life. In the tribes, when one wants a favor from that which he worships he must supplicate it with sacrifice, sacrifice usually being another human. Those who follow Tzeentch usually sacrifice a rival; for those who follow Khorne it is some powerful enemy. The worshippers of the planet care not who they sacrifice so long as enough blood is spilt to appease the ground that controls them.

 

The majority of these sacrifices are gained in battle, usually in raids. The point of most of these raids is the sacrifices themselves, for what can be stolen that the Masters cannot grant? One cannot be considered a man until they have evidence of the Master's favor. Those who accomplish this the fastest dissappear suddenly, with one talisman left behind - a symbol of the Master that the now aspirant worshipped. These worships continue for young tribesmen into marinehood. The exception to this is those who once worshipped the Master of Life, for they now worship the Warp itself, and it is known as the Master of Death.

 

Messed about with the order a bit, to show you the way I think it should look.

First time I read it, I thought it was the marines who were raiding in the name of the planet. Second readthrough sorted it out for me, but I still think it'd look better like this. :lol:

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Homeworld (cont.)

 

The tribes of the daemon world are seperated by their worship. The largest tribe worships Tzeentch, as the Master of Change. The next most powerful tribe worships Khorne, as the Master of War. All others worship the world itself, as the Master of Life. In the tribes, when one wants a favor from that which he worships he must supplicate it with sacrifice, sacrifice usually being another human. Those who follow Tzeentch usually sacrifice a rival; for those who follow Khorne it is some powerful enemy. The worshippers of the planet care not who they sacrifice so long as enough blood is spilt to appease the ground that controls them.

 

The majority of these sacrifices are gained in battle, usually in raids. The point of most of these raids is the sacrifices themselves, for what can be stolen that the Masters cannot grant? One cannot be considered a man until they have evidence of the Master's favor. Those who accomplish this the fastest dissappear suddenly, with one talisman left behind - a symbol of the Master that the now aspirant worshipped. These worships continue for young tribesmen into marinehood. The exception to this is those who once worshipped the Master of Life, for they now worship the Warp itself, and it is known as the Master of Death.

 

Messed about with the order a bit, to show you the way I think it should look.

First time I read it, I thought it was the marines who were raiding in the name of the planet. Second readthrough sorted it out for me, but I still think it'd look better like this. :rolleyes:

 

Alright, will change both the original post and the other post. Don't think you'll vote again, or should I continue on this line?

[Ace Debonair]

Don't think you'll vote again, or should I continue on this line?

 

Might as well write about whichever bit you have the best ideas for.

You're going to have to write them all in sooner or later anyway. :)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Don't think you'll vote again, or should I continue on this line?

 

Might as well write about whichever bit you have the best ideas for.

You're going to have to write them all in sooner or later anyway. :)

 

Meh. The more I think about the Wraiths, the more ideas that I have. The more ideas I have, the better selection I have. Time to start thinking...

 

I seem to be distracted by all my other chapters. Must focus... But I have so many ideas for them... One at a time then.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I have added a paragraph to the beliefs, as well as removed any time it states that they can teleport. Let me know what you think.

[Ace Debonair]

The Wraithes venerate all of the Chaos Gods save Nurgle. Nurgle is seen as the Coward God, worshipped only by those who are not skilled enough to keep themselves alive and so begged for mercy - begging is an anethma to true, worthy astartes, who feel no fear. Any who show signs of cowardice are executed.

Slaanesh is hated for her degradation of astartes - none should have to sink so low simply because they could not earn the rewards themselves.

 

The God of Change demands a sacrifice. ;)

 

I seem to be distracted by all my other chapters. Must focus... But I have so many ideas for them... One at a time then.

A pain I know equally well. Every time I work on a chapter, I get an idea I should have had while working on another one. :D

Stick with it, though. Just keep track of all your other ideas somewhere. Their time will come.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The Wraithes venerate all of the Chaos Gods save Nurgle. Nurgle is seen as the Coward God, worshipped only by those who are not skilled enough to keep themselves alive and so begged for mercy - begging is an anethma to true, worthy astartes, who feel no fear. Any who show signs of cowardice are executed.

Slaanesh is hated for her degradation of astartes - none should have to sink so low simply because they could not earn the rewards themselves.

 

The God of Change demands a sacrifice. :tu:

 

I seem to be distracted by all my other chapters. Must focus... But I have so many ideas for them... One at a time then.

A pain I know equally well. Every time I work on a chapter, I get an idea I should have had while working on another one. :)

Stick with it, though. Just keep track of all your other ideas somewhere. Their time will come.

 

I can't beleive I missed that! Thanks, Ace.

 

But I want their time to come now.... [/sarcastic whiny little kid voice]

 

What I put up is all I have right now, and it's frustrating that I cn't add anything or make it better, yet it's still not done.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

This is a desperate attempt to add to the chapter.

 

Origins

 

The origins of the Wraiths of Darkness are unknown to those outside of the Wraiths themselves. It is speculated by Imperials that they were once the Vengeance of Corax, who dissappeared shortly before the Wraiths of Darkness appeared.

 

Attempts to investigate the origins and geneseed of the Wraiths have met with shadowy figures either giving dark warnings or baffling omens of doom. There are a few determined individuals who search on regardless. All of these have dissapeared.

 

It is certain that the Wraiths are protecting their secrets, but despite manhy attempts of force to seize the information about them have all been completely annihalated, their bodies left as a warning for all who try to find out the Wraiths's weakness.

[ChaplainMathreyn]

So... Are you updating the original post?... Because... It's tough trying to crawl through 3 pages of stuff to try and find the updates...

 

Attempts to investigate the origins and geneseed of the Wraiths have met with shadowy figures either giving dark warnings or baffling omens of doom. There are a few determined individuals who search on regardless. All of these have dissapeared.

 

It is certain that the Wraiths are protecting their secrets, but despite manhy attempts of force to seize the information about them have all been completely annihalated, their bodies left as a warning for all who try to find out the Wraiths's weakness.

 

This is abit to "OMG we're Shady and Mysterious"... Nobody knows What we're doing, Why we're doing it, or How we're doing... Alls they know is that We are Doing it...

 

I mean, even the World Eaters have a modus operandi... Granted it's Kill Everything in a 5 mile radius, but still...

 

Could you update your first post with the current information, or... Is th efirst post The updated information? :D

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

So... Are you updating the original post?... Because... It's tough trying to crawl through 3 pages of stuff to try and find the updates...

 

Attempts to investigate the origins and geneseed of the Wraiths have met with shadowy figures either giving dark warnings or baffling omens of doom. There are a few determined individuals who search on regardless. All of these have dissapeared.

 

It is certain that the Wraiths are protecting their secrets, but despite manhy attempts of force to seize the information about them have all been completely annihalated, their bodies left as a warning for all who try to find out the Wraiths's weakness.

 

This is abit to "OMG we're Shady and Mysterious"... Nobody knows What we're doing, Why we're doing it, or How we're doing... Alls they know is that We are Doing it...

 

I mean, even the World Eaters have a modus operandi... Granted it's Kill Everything in a 5 mile radius, but still...

 

Could you update your first post with the current information, or... Is th efirst post The updated information? ;)

 

Yes, the first page is everything that has been approved. What is currently being graded is what is not on the first page because it has not been deemed worthy.

 

I think you got it right - Nobody knows what's going on, why we are doing what we are doing, or how we are doing it, but they know we are doing it... I did have a slightly psychotic idea that an Imperial once thought the y were the Legion of the Damned and the belief spread like wildifre but I thought that was slightly asinine and name dropping...

 

Should I tone down the ";) is going on?"

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

What I meant was I'm not going "Oh noes, I need to put a lot of crap in"; it's more like "Hey, that's a great idea, I think I'll put it in there".

 

While I might have missed the boat here, you should be careful with that sort of attitude. You know your work is complete not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. I forget who said that, but it is so, so true.

 

This is abit to "OMG we're Shady and Mysterious"... Nobody knows What we're doing, Why we're doing it, or How we're doing... Alls they know is that We are Doing it...

 

Frankly I agree. While this sort of thing is fine for GW to give us, it is their universe after all, it doesn't work so well for fan work. You try to put in too much mystery with no explanation and it's only a weak way to avoid having to think of the how and why something comes about.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

What I meant was I'm not going "Oh noes, I need to put a lot of crap in"; it's more like "Hey, that's a great idea, I think I'll put it in there".

 

While I might have missed the boat here, you should be careful with that sort of attitude. You know your work is complete not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. I forget who said that, but it is so, so true.

 

This is abit to "OMG we're Shady and Mysterious"... Nobody knows What we're doing, Why we're doing it, or How we're doing... Alls they know is that We are Doing it...

 

Frankly I agree. While this sort of thing is fine for GW to give us, it is their universe after all, it doesn't work so well for fan work. You try to put in too much mystery with no explanation and it's only a weak way to avoid having to think of the how and why something comes about.

 

Agree wiht everything you have said. Don't know when I'll work on it though.

 

Again, shady and mysterious is a difficult mark to hit, and I missed... But hey, there are more attempts to be made.

[ChaplainMathreyn]

Yes, the first page is everything that has been approved. What is currently being graded is what is not on the first page because it has not been deemed worthy.

 

Ah, alrighty... I'll go back adn re-read the first post... I was trying to scan through everything on a variety of pages and couldn't find what I was sure was the actual IA.

 

I did have a slightly psychotic idea that an Imperial once thought the y were the Legion of the Damned and the belief spread like wildifre but I thought that was slightly asinine and name dropping...

 

The problem is, I think the Legion are myths to the Space Marines as well... The myths of, essentially, to the average Imperial citizen are myths, does not bode well, At All...

 

I think that, if the average Guardsmen caught a glimpse of the Damned fighting, they'd see them as "The Avenging Angels of Death... The Emperor's Anger made Manifest", etc and etc. because, frankly, they wouldn't know that they are, in fact, not the norm compared to... "normal" Space Marines.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Yes, the first page is everything that has been approved. What is currently being graded is what is not on the first page because it has not been deemed worthy.

 

Ah, alrighty... I'll go back adn re-read the first post... I was trying to scan through everything on a variety of pages and couldn't find what I was sure was the actual IA.

 

I did have a slightly psychotic idea that an Imperial once thought the y were the Legion of the Damned and the belief spread like wildifre but I thought that was slightly asinine and name dropping...

 

The problem is, I think the Legion are myths to the Space Marines as well... The myths of, essentially, to the average Imperial citizen are myths, does not bode well, At All...

 

I think that, if the average Guardsmen caught a glimpse of the Damned fighting, they'd see them as "The Avenging Angels of Death... The Emperor's Anger made Manifest", etc and etc. because, frankly, they wouldn't know that they are, in fact, not the norm compared to... "normal" Space Marines.

 

Relax, Mathreyn. I did say I thought it was a bad idea as well.

 

I'm looking forward to your critique... it may actually inspire me to improve this chapter as is.

[ChaplainMathreyn]

Hmmm... Is there a History section by any chance?... :o Or... On which page are you working on the History section... /Whips out his magnifying glass, all Sherlock Holmes-style...

 

I'd also, if you don't mind, like to see things you could Add to the History section, fi you're working on it, to help bolster the rest of the article, too. That will be bolded.

 

 

Unusually, the Wraithes are orginized similar to a codex chapter. There is the command group, and Summonings about the strength of a standard company. However, there are Sixteen Summonings, and not all are company strength.

 

I think your Engrish could be abit betterer. It's not unusual for a Chapter to be Codex... It's the norm. Plus, having sixteen different companies, named 'Summonings', is probably much more divergent than similar. Although, I'd like to know why, how and where they revert to Summonings versus Companies in their History,

 

The First through Tenth summonings are around a hundred strong. They are usually bargained for when another warband needs an unexpected weapon to use, or a fast moving force that can take the enemy by surprise.

 

The Eleventh and Twelfth Summonings are 250 strong each, and are normally called upon to completely devastate an enemy stronghold or titan. With their superior numbers and astartes skill, they have proven the bane of many heavily defended targets.

 

The last three Summonings are much smaller, usually numbering a mere twenty Astartes. However, these warriors are the elite of the Wraithes and their skills in warfare are unmatched by any other within the warband. They are highly valued and respected amongst the Wraithes, for they are masters of the three, great tenents: stealth, fear, and surprise. As such, it is rare for the warriors of these Summonings to take to the battlefield, their skills far too valuable to risk in minor conflicts, and rarer still for these warriors to fail.

 

Thats defininately not Codex similar. ;) There are a crap load more than the Codex, and entirely different structure... I'll expect to see why, etc. in the History section, when ya get it up.

 

The reason for such large numbers is simple - the Wraithes of Darkness only fight when their services are bought or their is to be resources to be gained. Most of their traitorous existence has been spent building up supplies and marines, that being their only goal - aside from earning glory and the favor of the worthy gods.

 

That is not a very good reason for having an extraordinarily large amount of Marines. You're A) Definately Not going to recruiting "traitor" Marines like the willies... Heck, the size of your warband is going to depend more on their will of the Leader versus any higher sense of allegience... I'm willing to bet that, except for the Traitor Legions (And even then, Black Legion, World Eaters, and Night Lords as examples) inter-Chapter allegience is very, very lacking...

 

Especially with such a "mercenarial" attitude.

 

There is actually two Spectres of Death, one who takes care of the warband and it's administrative duties, and the one who is the cause of most of the victories of the Wraithes.

 

THIS is going to need some explanation... Soooo... Why?... What purpose does it serve? Once you've given your reasons Why in your History, you're going to need to explain what kind of help, or hinderance, this type of structure creates... I mean, really, considering the self-centered nature of Chaos, I would NOT get along with someone of my power... I'd want to kill them, and take Everything for Me, and My Band, and My God...

 

This Spectre is the master of teleportation, shimmering behind enemies battlelines were they can see him, becoming clear in the presence of dying enemies. Armed with a bloody scythe and adorned with twisted icons of once Imperial faith, his sole duty is to completely demoralize the enemy. All such Spectres have been taught by the Night Lords.

 

... ... No. Firstly, it's ridiculous. I can understand millenia old, soul/machines, ala Necrons, having the ability to Do that... But a Marine... No. I mean, even Warp travel would be dangerous: The Marine would have to enter a twisted realm of insanity where, Everything is trying to tear you to pieces and torture your soul for eternity... Not the best place to be...

 

Plus, why the Heck would the Night Lords EVER get involved?... I'll expect abit more of Why the Night Lords are involved in the History as well.

 

He has been taught to wear the skull helms of fallen Chaplains, and to stare officers in the eye. To silent and swift, but still advertise his presence. To take his own victims, to make the screams of the dying reach all who oppose the Wraithes, and to cut them short - and to make sure that when and where the bodies are found, their faces are twisted by uncontrolled fear and horror, where all might see them.

 

But the greatest horror waits for when the enemy finally breaks off and run. The Wraithes then go amongst them, stealing the fleeing enemy. Some are sacrificed then, simply to inspire even greater terror amongst the broken horde. Most are sacrificed elsewhere, to the Daemon World, to seal pacts with darker powers, and to Tzeentch himself.

 

I can see that you're smushing alot of Night Lordy tactics in here... But THEN, you mention Tzeentch... ... ... How does terror work in Tzeentch's favor?... I'd imagine that is more Slaanesh then Tzeentch, Anyday. Tzeentch is the God of instant power, of lies and deceit, and... Politicians, basically... ... ... I Hope our politicians don't start wearing skull masks, and killing us from the shadows... Wow... O.o... I heard that is what the representatives from Nebraska already do... O.o

 

 

Squads are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and take the stolen items back to the Wraiths fleet. Vehicles are taken by summoning the Thunderhawks and other craft that the Wraiths sent for that very purpose.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

 

Zoinks?... This makes very little sense to me... What purpose do super human warriors need with amassing resources? They'd just kill, take what they need, and leave it for the vultures... You can't really make ceramite out of oil reserves... ? And as for trade, what Space Marine is going to actually trade their Armor for natural resources... Because planetary governers, who are the biggest needers for natural resources aren't going to have anything remotely useful to the Marines... Space Marine pirates... Kinda... Space Marine natural resources hoarders... Kinda iffy...

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them. However, low success rate has forced the Wraiths to wait for when the Forge World is weakened by war, and thus they are rarely attacked.

 

... ... ... No. I mean, even the random-arse attacks of the Thousand Sons sorcerers serve more of a purpose then "because we need the loot"... When Ahriman sacrifices his automaton brethren for one book... You better beleiev that is a Damn important book to Arhriman... Does attacking a Forge World bear Anything else Besides "loot"? It'd be like you, presenting to your friends, Hey! We should go raid Fort Knox!... Yeah... Thatd go over Great...

 

You're going to need to explain alot of this in your History because as it is Now, it is really far-fetched...

 

Alright... I'm going out to run, mainly because, I Should be working... Psssh... But I'll comment on the Homeworld and Beliefs sections later.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Hmmm... Is there a History section by any chance?... :D Or... On which page are you working on the History section... /Whips out his magnifying glass, all Sherlock Holmes-style...

 

I'd also, if you don't mind, like to see things you could Add to the History section, fi you're working on it, to help bolster the rest of the article, too. That will be bolded.

 

See way down below.

 

Unusually, the Wraithes are orginized similar to a codex chapter. There is the command group, and Summonings about the strength of a standard company. However, there are Sixteen Summonings, and not all are company strength.

 

I think your Engrish could be abit betterer. It's not unusual for a Chapter to be Codex... It's the norm. Plus, having sixteen different companies, named 'Summonings', is probably much more divergent than similar. Although, I'd like to know why, how and where they revert to Summonings versus Companies in their History,

 

My Engrish can be abit betterer? :P

 

I figure most Warbands are organized the Codex way... Chapters, yes, warbands, not really.

 

The First through Tenth summonings are around a hundred strong. They are usually bargained for when another warband needs an unexpected weapon to use, or a fast moving force that can take the enemy by surprise.

 

The Eleventh and Twelfth Summonings are 250 strong each, and are normally called upon to completely devastate an enemy stronghold or titan. With their superior numbers and astartes skill, they have proven the bane of many heavily defended targets.

 

The last three Summonings are much smaller, usually numbering a mere twenty Astartes. However, these warriors are the elite of the Wraithes and their skills in warfare are unmatched by any other within the warband. They are highly valued and respected amongst the Wraithes, for they are masters of the three, great tenents: stealth, fear, and surprise. As such, it is rare for the warriors of these Summonings to take to the battlefield, their skills far too valuable to risk in minor conflicts, and rarer still for these warriors to fail.

 

Thats defininately not Codex similar. :) There are a crap load more than the Codex, and entirely different structure... I'll expect to see why, etc. in the History section, when ya get it up.

 

The why is simple - they are trying to gain as many members as possible. The more members, the better chance of survival. That, and they only fight when they are bought w/ resources, which is extremely valuable to people running around in the Eye (at least according to the Chaos Codex).

 

The reason for such large numbers is simple - the Wraithes of Darkness only fight when their services are bought or their is to be resources to be gained. Most of their traitorous existence has been spent building up supplies and marines, that being their only goal - aside from earning glory and the favor of the worthy gods.

 

That is not a very good reason for having an extraordinarily large amount of Marines. You're A) Definately Not going to recruiting "traitor" Marines like the willies... Heck, the size of your warband is going to depend more on their will of the Leader versus any higher sense of allegience... I'm willing to bet that, except for the Traitor Legions (And even then, Black Legion, World Eaters, and Night Lords as examples) inter-Chapter allegience is very, very lacking...

 

Especially with such a "mercenarial" attitude.

 

See above... and below (considering I did mention in the IT that they don't recruit).

 

Also, they are brought together by the fact that they... won't betray a peer. An underling, depends. A superior, if they have something to gain. But similarily ranked marines don't get backstabbed, according to warband law - something I failed to explain.

 

There is actually two Spectres of Death, one who takes care of the warband and it's administrative duties, and the one who is the cause of most of the victories of the Wraithes.

 

THIS is going to need some explanation... Soooo... Why?... What purpose does it serve? Once you've given your reasons Why in your History, you're going to need to explain what kind of help, or hinderance, this type of structure creates... I mean, really, considering the self-centered nature of Chaos, I would NOT get along with someone of my power... I'd want to kill them, and take Everything for Me, and My Band, and My God...

 

I thought the help was obvious - one guy does all the admin, and is the real power; the other guy runs around scaring the crap out of their enemies.

 

For one, The Spectre of Death is a title, a duty. For the other, it is a goal to become.

 

This Spectre is the master of teleportation, shimmering behind enemies battlelines were they can see him, becoming clear in the presence of dying enemies. Armed with a bloody scythe and adorned with twisted icons of once Imperial faith, his sole duty is to completely demoralize the enemy. All such Spectres have been taught by the Night Lords.

 

... ... No. Firstly, it's ridiculous. I can understand millenia old, soul/machines, ala Necrons, having the ability to Do that... But a Marine... No. I mean, even Warp travel would be dangerous: The Marine would have to enter a twisted realm of insanity where, Everything is trying to tear you to pieces and torture your soul for eternity... Not the best place to be...

 

Plus, why the Heck would the Night Lords EVER get involved?... I'll expect abit more of Why the Night Lords are involved in the History as well.

 

I am attempting to give the impression that they teleport, without saying it outright... I should probably tone that down a bit.

 

 

Night Lords need resources too.

He has been taught to wear the skull helms of fallen Chaplains, and to stare officers in the eye. To silent and swift, but still advertise his presence. To take his own victims, to make the screams of the dying reach all who oppose the Wraithes, and to cut them short - and to make sure that when and where the bodies are found, their faces are twisted by uncontrolled fear and horror, where all might see them.

 

But the greatest horror waits for when the enemy finally breaks off and run. The Wraithes then go amongst them, stealing the fleeing enemy. Some are sacrificed then, simply to inspire even greater terror amongst the broken horde. Most are sacrificed elsewhere, to the Daemon World, to seal pacts with darker powers, and to Tzeentch himself.

 

I can see that you're smushing alot of Night Lordy tactics in here... But THEN, you mention Tzeentch... ... ... How does terror work in Tzeentch's favor?... I'd imagine that is more Slaanesh then Tzeentch, Anyday. Tzeentch is the God of instant power, of lies and deceit, and... Politicians, basically... ... ... I Hope our politicians don't start wearing skull masks, and killing us from the shadows... Wow... O.o... I heard that is what the representatives from Nebraska already do... O.o

 

Meh. They like scaring the crap out of people. They're Chaos Marines. That's what they do.

 

I actually want to make it less Night Lords and more Wraiths. The way to do that is the whole sacrifice thing - these guys are big on supplicating the Warp through their actions and getting rewarded for it, proving their rights to power constantly. These guys are the textbook Chaos Marines, w/ some flavoring thrown in.

 

Squads are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and take the stolen items back to the Wraiths fleet. Vehicles are taken by summoning the Thunderhawks and other craft that the Wraiths sent for that very purpose.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

 

Zoinks?... This makes very little sense to me... What purpose do super human warriors need with amassing resources? They'd just kill, take what they need, and leave it for the vultures... You can't really make ceramite out of oil reserves... ? And as for trade, what Space Marine is going to actually trade their Armor for natural resources... Because planetary governers, who are the biggest needers for natural resources aren't going to have anything remotely useful to the Marines... Space Marine pirates... Kinda... Space Marine natural resources hoarders... Kinda iffy...

 

See my point on resources above.

 

And where did I say they were trading armour?

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them. However, low success rate has forced the Wraiths to wait for when the Forge World is weakened by war, and thus they are rarely attacked.

 

... ... ... No. I mean, even the random-arse attacks of the Thousand Sons sorcerers serve more of a purpose then "because we need the loot"... When Ahriman sacrifices his automaton brethren for one book... You better beleiev that is a Damn important book to Arhriman... Does attacking a Forge World bear Anything else Besides "loot"? It'd be like you, presenting to your friends, Hey! We should go raid Fort Knox!... Yeah... Thatd go over Great...

 

It's not "we need the loot", it's "we need the resources". And the last time I checked, Forge Worlds produce a crapton of weaponry, ammo, and vehicles - and the resources (gas or whatever for vehicles, plasma for the fleet's plasma drives, metal to make their own weaponry and stuffz). All of which is desperately needed in the Eye of Terror. Where the Wraithes hang out.

 

 

You're going to need to explain alot of this in your History because as it is Now, it is really far-fetched...

 

Alright... I'm going out to run, mainly because, I Should be working... Psssh... But I'll comment on the Homeworld and Beliefs sections later.

 

I appreciate your comments and will try to clarify everything mentioned.

 

I also sense you really want a history section, which I am slightly hesitant to do, due to lack of successful storylines I have attempted.

[ChaplainMathreyn]

I suggest you also write a History... Especially because it is what makes them Them... Why are the Ultrmarines like the Ultrmarines?... Because of how the History of them have shaped Them.

 

I mean... The whole "natural resources" thing is, firstly, far fetched; Space Marines do not Need resources... A criminal would hire pirates, or heck, even manipulate the Orks to do the dirty deed... Hiring Space Marines to collect rocks and oil... Probably not... Assassinate the Grand Governer of Important World A... Maybe... Hey! I need that shipment of lasrifles! Not so much... There are Gangers and crime lords who'll do that for less...

 

Night Lords dont need resources... Heck, if Night Lord Marine Joe falls in battle, we scavenge from Joe... Warp Rest his Soul... They wouldnt be trading, especially with some upstarts, for stuff. They'd kill you, take what they needed and go... That is the essence of Chaos... It serves Self... YOU gain power for You. Screw ideals, principles, etc. It's what makes Chaos... Chaotic...

 

The why is simple - they are trying to gain as many members as possible. The more members, the better chance of survival. That, and they only fight when they are bought w/ resources, which is extremely valuable to people running around in the Eye (at least according to the Chaos Codex).

 

So is Abaddon... And, basically every warband in existance in the Eye of Terror... Remember, "brotherhood" reaaally doesn't exist... The other legions, warbands, cults, whatever don't care... If they WANT your stuff, they will Take your stuff... And probably butcher you, and your followers (Those of them who Don't turn tail and betray you that is), for th emore powerful Lord...

 

I thought the help was obvious - one guy does all the admin, and is the real power; the other guy runs around scaring the crap out of their enemies.

 

But... Why is one just a clerk, adn the other is actually doing the dirty work, though?... As it stands, it seems rather haphazard, and makes no sense for th esplitting of the power...

 

It's not "we need the loot", it's "we need the resources". And the last time I checked, Forge Worlds produce a crapton of weaponry, ammo, and vehicles - and the resources (gas or whatever for vehicles, plasma for the fleet's plasma drives, metal to make their own weaponry and stuffz). All of which is desperately needed in the Eye of Terror. Where the Wraithes hang out.

 

Forge Worlds ARE the Imperium's "Fort Knox"... Or the New York Bank, where the gold bullion is stored, too... It's the Equivalent of, us trying to storm Fort Knox... There's going to be a Crap load of resources spent on either taking it, or obliterating it...

 

You have Alot of potential, really... However, you need to explain alot more 'Whys'... Splitting duties for leadership is useless right now... Explain to us why there Has to be two different leaders?

 

What does gathering resources have to do with Tzeentch?... Try to incorporate their modus operendi to their God of choice? Why do they have to just be gatherers? Chaos Takes what it needs... It butchers, it kills, it takes, adn it Laughs while it does it, too...

It is selfish, self-serving, greedy, hateful, essentially a big middle finger to the Galaxy in general... I mean... You could get Slaves to make the stuff for you, but... Honestly, your power is wasted on gathering shtuff... THAT is for pathetic followers to do... You need to shoot for bigger fish, mainly because, you ARE bigger fishermen...

 

Hey... I like that analogy... I'm Good! :P

[Walter Payton]

The thing that stands out is the namedropping of the Night Lords (you enjoyed Soul Hunter, I see). It is unnecessary, adds nothing to the chapter and should be deleted.

 

Do not piggyback on the official, speakest the Octaguide.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The thing that stands out is the namedropping of the Night Lords (you enjoyed Soul Hunter, I see). It is unnecessary, adds nothing to the chapter and should be deleted.

 

Do not piggyback on the official, speakest the Octaguide.

Funny you say that, Alecto, considering I'm one of the biggest opponent of Name Dropping there is. However, I can say that I bribed them to teach my leaders, because that's part of the reason why they are gathering resources - to be taught by the masters of fear and stealth.

 

The other reason is that they are preparing for the fourteenth Black Crusade.

 

I'll expand, and explain, later.

[Leonaides]

Dont.

 

Abbadon's only just had the 13th. Why should he let your marines in on his plans for the next one? And if he hasnt let them in on those plans, how would they prepare for it? Assumin gthat they're gullible enough to believe him. Getting involved with Abbadon means they'll die, sooner or later. Either they'll do waht he wants till he sends them up against somthing bigger and tougher than them that wipes them out or they refure, and then he comes and wipes them out for refusing him. And preparing for war in general doesnt cut it, every marine does that every day, that'd be a bit like saying humans prepare to breathe oxygen...

[ChaplainMathreyn]

humans prepare to breathe oxygen...

 

Oxygen for the Oxygen God! Rawr!... :rolleyes: ... ;)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Dont.

 

Abbadon's only just had the 13th. Why should he let your marines in on his plans for the next one? And if he hasnt let them in on those plans, how would they prepare for it? Assumin gthat they're gullible enough to believe him. Getting involved with Abbadon means they'll die, sooner or later. Either they'll do waht he wants till he sends them up against somthing bigger and tougher than them that wipes them out or they refure, and then he comes and wipes them out for refusing him. And preparing for war in general doesnt cut it, every marine does that every day, that'd be a bit like saying humans prepare to breathe oxygen...

 

Um.... Why are you assuming Abbaddon has anything to do with this? Besides just having the Thirteenth? :D

 

Not all of the Black Crusades have been by him. I can't be sure, but I think only five of the Black Crusades have been credited to him.

 

The Chaos Codex specificly states that the Black Crusades have been made by a variety of warlords.

 

With this information, I can safely assume that it is plausible - as well as possible and likely - that the next Black Crusade won't be launched by Abbadon. After all, he has failed in the eye's of most Chaos Marines.

 

So we have the Wraiths. Larger than normal, have a crapton of supplies, and are willing to fight in the Long War. And haven't failed multiple times... in fact, they seem to be doing pretty well.

 

I'll explain in the history section. Whenever I get that up.

 

Heh, I feel a comeback coming...

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I haven't really worked on History, but here is my basic idea which I want to expand on.

 

The Wraiths of Darkness have always been ambitious, mostly due to their chosen gods of Khorne and Tzeentch. It is so they stumbled on the greatest ambition of all - the Fourteenth Black Crusade.

 

They knew they would need resources to bribe the warbands that they couldn't absorb, intimidate, or remove. So they began gathering materials, and they gather materials still.

 

They have also been spreading the thought that Abbaddon has failed, and refuse to fight alongside him.

 

The Inquisition assumes they were once the Wraiths of the Emperor, but through a combination of destruction and protection most of the files on the Wraiths origins have become inaccessible.