Wraiths of Darkness

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I don't actually see how what you said actually disagreed with my statement, frankly.

 

That's why I said both yes and no - it agreed with your statement, but not because of the same reasoning.

 

Shinzaren - I'm sorry, I failed to see your post. Yes, the first page is up to date.

[Shinzaren]

From there on out, the Wraiths slowly became more seen and recognized by Imperials. The strangeness of this was the fact that their seemed to be no fixed area where they were located; one could not determine where they would be found next. It was theorized that they came from the Emperor's Wraiths, once they became a large enough threat that some Imperial scholars chose to study them.

 

There is no flow to this paragraph. First you are talking about where they are in a location stand point, then suddenly your're bringing up who they used to be. It doesn't flow right, and if you are gonna drop the Emperor's Wraiths on us, you should explain why anyone think that. Right now I am just confused as to who/what the Emperor's Wraiths were/are.

 

To the forces of Chaos they had been there much longer, and were much more potent. The Wraiths had fought a long existence to earn their reputation, and had become known as mercenaries and assassins who could be found anywhere. They had outposts in the Eye of Terror, the Shroud Stars, the Eastern Fringe and several other hives of Chaotic activity. If a leader had the resources, they could buy any number of Wraiths to do any job. There was only one exception to this, and that was the Legions themselves.

 

M.I.S.S. (Me? I'm. So. Super.) Seems like you are already building them into a super force. They are known as potent warriors, even to the millennia old followers of Chaos? Not only that, but are literally found everywhere? How do they maintain discipline and communication across the vast distances that separate them as a whole?

 

The Wraiths of Darkness have records of the Emperor's Wraiths, which they once were. This is not considered their history, but is held their all the same so that they might learn from their own mistakes. Their history began when they fled to the Eye of Terror after the betrayal of an Inquisitorial force, and made their home amongst the other warbands. They started making a name for themselves when they assasinated the leader of a warband, followed by prompt payment from the man who became his successor. The tale travelled quickly, causing several other warband leaders to become more wary, and an equal number of lieutenants to plot their rise to power.

 

Who was betrayed? The Wraiths or the Inquisition? How did they make their home? Did they fight battles to carve out a space? They assassinated the leader of a Warband? Marines are assassins, they are warriors. Assassin speaks to me of a single man, killing a single target, then disappearing without a trace. How did a marine assassinate a Chaos Warlord? How did anyone know the man paid them? Did he tell others? Did they? And no offense, but I doubt your fledgling Chaos band would cause more experienced leaders to suddenly grow more wary. They deal with threats to their power from within or without everyday. Why should your fresh faced warband give them pause at all?

 

The Wraiths used the resources that they were paid to build up their forces. Smaller warbands were absorbed. Other mercenaries were killed. Outposts were set up. Their fame and power grew, until the Black Legion took notice and offered them a chance to join the Black Legion. The Wraiths refused and were attacked, nearly destroyed before they escaped into the Shroud Stars. From there they left, were not seen again for five centuries.

 

How did their fame and power grow? And if they're so famous, why would we just be hearing about them now? Also, the Shroud Stars. Seems like everybody and their mother is hiding here now. I thought this was a place of near constant warp storms, and only those with the means to navigate them could survive. How did they get along with the other factions there? How did they manage to navigate the storms and survive complete and utter destruction?

 

Nine hundred Wraiths in a battle barge and four strike cruisers appeared in the Eye of Terror, and vanished again - something the Black Legion did not claim credit for. It soon became apparent the Wraiths were still existant, and back in their role as mercenaries - their representitives could be found by aspiring warbands all over the galaxy. They were nearly wiped out again several times when the Wraiths overextended their forces and their leader was killed, and so developed a system of two leaders. One would watch and control the flow of Wraiths as well as take care of the other administrative duties, while the other would be the leader on the field as well as the master assassin.

 

If they've nearly been wiped out so many times, it leads me to think they are not so good at their jobs, and would probably diminish the confidence of other warlords who might have hired them. How do they get all over the galaxy? How many ships do they have? Master Assassin and Space Marine just don't fit together. Also, why would they have two leaders? If they are as widespread as you claim, they would seem to need more than that. Afterall, by your own writing they are fighting all over creation and not in one place. Having only one battle leader seems silly and unnecessary.

 

This would have led to confusion amongst the Wraiths themselves, as both were to be refered to as the Spectres of Death. So the master, the one who controlled the deployments of the Wraiths renamed himself as the Phantom Lord. However, this was merely among the Wraiths, as none outside of them even knew of his existence. Thus were many of the major changes to the Wraiths, unseen by those who were not among the warband itself.

 

This paragraph seems unnecessary and wasteful. Take it out and simply explain that one of the Lords was the Phantom Lord and the other was the Spectre of Death. The other stuff is pointless.

 

The Orginization of the Summonings in 49.M38, the Purging of the Deserters in 756.M40, and several other momentous events are held only in the records of the Wraiths, kept a secret to all others. The Wraiths of Darkness must keep their reputation simple but powerful - that of mercenaries and assassins who always get the job done. Millions of astartes have died to protect and project that image of potentcy.

 

What are these things you list with dates? Are they battles? Why should the reader care about them? Again with the assassins thing. Just stick with mercenaries. Millions of Astartes? Whose? Yours? Or Loyalists? Either way, M.I.S.S. Either you've figured out a way to recruit incredible numbers, or you've figured out a way to slaughter Loyalists without apparent trouble.

 

Because of such attention that they have built, they are often requested on the battlefield thus require more astartes. The Phantom Lords have all recognized this problem and have spent nearly ninety percent of all their resources is put into generating new astartes and acclimatize the absorbed warbands into the mindset of the Wraiths of Darkness.

 

How did they absorb so many other warbands? Why hasn't the Black Legion come back for them and finished the job? Why are they so requested? You make it seem like everybody loves these guys and wants them around. What about their enemies? Not only that, but Chaos doesn't play nice with each other. Why doesn't some warband just hire them, and then kill them when the mission is over, thus replacing their coin or losses?

 

This was not an easy task. Many attempts to 'reset' absorbed warbands failed horribly, leaving automatons or berzerkers. Other Phantom Lords have tried to somehow make the geneseed reproduce faster, and degenerated some of it horribly. However, the Wraiths have slowly learned from their mistakes and have begun to grow their numbers to larger than most chapters.

 

Uhh? What? How? Where are they getting their geneseed? Do they steal it? Warbands eke out a meagre existence in the warp, as they are literally the enemies of EVERYONE. How in the world do they manage to get so many recruits? They are engaged in an even more constant war than regular loyalist, who have the tech and expertise of the Imperium, and worlds to recruit from in the event of a big loss. How does your warband have these things?

 

The Wraiths of Darkness currently have 11 'Summonings', but this fluctuates as time passes - at one point the Wraiths had barely half a Summoning, and at another the Wraiths had as much as 15. The strength of a Summoning is around 140 Wraiths, but this too varies to the taste of the ruling Summoner. Many have prefered to have them, they're chosen bodyguard, and a few squads with a secondary command as the entirety of their Summoning.

 

M.I.S.S. Too many. Way to many for a Chaos warband. As said earlier, they are constantly fighting, being hounded by everyone in the galaxy. How do they get so many numbers? Either your guys are superhuman above superhuman and thus suffer no losses, or you have an endless stream of recruits, equipment, and geneseed; none of which Chaos has.

 

Unlike most other warbands, the Wraiths select those worthy of command into place and execute those who kill for their position. This ensures that the Wraiths do not become disorganized and ineffeceint, and are instead well organized and extremely potent.

 

The general rule of the Chaos is that the strong rule. Why are they suddenly rule abiding followers? Extremely potent. There you go again. Reeks of M.I.S.S. to me.

 

The Wraiths relationship with their slaves is a curious one, in the sense that it is not of brutality or even servitude. The humans who work on the Wraiths missing fleet have never seen a Wraith of Darkness beyond when they were first brought to the ship they serve on. To an outsider, it would seem odd that this would not lead to rebellion. But the new slaves quickly learn not to entertain thoughts of rising against the Wraiths, as those who stop working in mockeries of protests or attempt to incense their fellow slaves against the Wraiths are found piece by piece... limb by limb. The head is always found last, in the throes of absolute agony and terror.

 

You have an extremely odd view of what constants both slavery, and brutality. If I get captured, I'm a slave. If I can't leave, I'm a slave. If my brother and I try to break out, and I find out he was killed piece by piece with his head being preserved in terrible torture, I'm a slave to BRUTAL MASTERS. This entire paragraph is one giant contradiction.

 

I like the concept, but I haven't really learned anything about them, except that they are mercenaries, who want to be assassins. I've also learned that they are apparently the best mercenaries in the Warp, and that they have found a way to replenish their numbers and stay extremely strong. Flesh out more of what they are and what they do. Don't cryptically mention events, or who they once were. All that does is make the reader scratch their head and go, "Wait, what? Where did that come from?" Tone down descriptions of their potency, and reduce their numbers a bit. Also, your writing and editing need a bit of work, as well as spelling. Those are minor things to the story itself though.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

'Facepalm'

 

Anything to do with locations, area wide effects, and the like, is because they can TELEPORT! I just can't say it outright, because that would be far more awesome than they are now. And awesome is the wrong end of the scale. So, I make why they can do all this... absent. Let the reader figure it out for themselves.

 

Which wasn't what happened. Hmm.

 

"There is no flow to this paragraph. First you are talking about where they are in a location stand point, then suddenly your're bringing up who they used to be. It doesn't flow right, and if you are gonna drop the Emperor's Wraiths on us, you should explain why anyone think that. Right now I am just confused as to who/what the Emperor's Wraiths were/are."

 

True. Will edit.

 

"M.I.S.S. (Me? I'm. So. Super.) Seems like you are already building them into a super force. They are known as potent warriors, even to the millennia old followers of Chaos? Not only that, but are literally found everywhere? How do they maintain discipline and communication across the vast distances that separate them as a whole?"

 

'sighs'

 

I seem to failing to convey that this is the image that they are building as opposed to the actuality, which is that they are spread thin, and that they are weak.

 

"Who was betrayed? The Wraiths or the Inquisition? How did they make their home? Did they fight battles to carve out a space? They assassinated the leader of a Warband? Marines are not assassins, they are warriors. Assassin speaks to me of a single man, killing a single target, then disappearing without a trace. How did a marine assassinate a Chaos Warlord? How did anyone know the man paid them? Did he tell others? Did they? And no offense, but I doubt your fledgling Chaos band would cause more experienced leaders to suddenly grow more wary. They deal with threats to their power from within or without everyday. Why should your fresh faced warband give them pause at all?"

 

Everything you said is correct in it's intents and from it's viewpoints, and in the same token, from your point of view the questions are completely justified. Again, I seem to be failing at conveying what I mean, I fail at showing you the mental image in my head. Again, will have to edit.

 

There are some things that I could expand on the Emperor's Wraiths... but this is not their IA, it's the Wraiths of Darkness IT, so I am trying to keep that to a minimum.

 

"How did their fame and power grow? And if they're so famous, why would we just be hearing about them now? Also, the Shroud Stars. Seems like everybody and their mother is hiding here now. I thought this was a place of near constant warp storms, and only those with the means to navigate them could survive. How did they get along with the other factions there? How did they manage to navigate the storms and survive complete and utter destruction?"

 

I just tried to show you how their fame and power grew - they put their mark on a few hard to kill people, and let the word spread itself. Not sure how I should add that in.

 

"If they've nearly been wiped out so many times, it leads me to think they are not so good at their jobs, and would probably diminish the confidence of other warlords who might have hired them. How do they get all over the galaxy? How many ships do they have? Master Assassin and Space Marine just don't fit together. Also, why would they have two leaders? If they are as widespread as you claim, they would seem to need more than that. Afterall, by your own writing they are fighting all over creation and not in one place. Having only one battle leader seems silly and unnecessary. "

 

'Winces'

 

They don't let on that they have been wiped out so many times. And they have been nearly destroyed because they are constantly fighting. Constantly. Small numbers and the ability to appear anywhere almost instantly means that those who make up the Wraiths have very little time to rest and die out a lot sooner than most because they have a lot shorter wait times to get from place to place.

 

"This paragraph seems unnecessary and wasteful. Take it out and simply explain that one of the Lords was the Phantom Lord and the other was the Spectre of Death. The other stuff is pointless."

 

Nope. Simply not true. It's there because I need to let you know that most of this stuff is known only to the Wraiths themselves.

 

I'm trying to write it from two points of view - what the Wraiths know, and what the rest of the galaxy sees.

 

"What are these things you list with dates? Are they battles? Why should the reader care about them? Again with the assassins thing. Just stick with mercenaries. Millions of Astartes? Whose? Yours? Or Loyalists? Either way, M.I.S.S. Either you've figured out a way to recruit incredible numbers, or you've figured out a way to slaughter Loyalists without apparent trouble"

 

Or, you know, it could be the Wraiths, Loyalists and other Chaos Marines. There are a lot of them out there. It doesn't need to be a select group dieing.

 

Like I said, I am trying to do a dual view thing. Hence the events.

 

"How did they absorb so many other warbands? Why hasn't the Black Legion come back for them and finished the job? Why are they so requested? You make it seem like everybody loves these guys and wants them around. What about their enemies? Not only that, but Chaos doesn't play nice with each other. Why doesn't some warband just hire them, and then kill them when the mission is over, thus replacing their coin or losses?"

 

1. They don't.

 

2. Should be explained in the IT.

 

3. Because they have fought hard to be requested.

 

4. What enemies? They have a problem with a warband, they kill thier leaders, throw it into turmoil. Also in the nature of Chaos.

 

5. Because they are gone before they can be killed...? I think I pointed that out somewhere else in the IT as well.

 

"Uhh? What? How? Where are they getting their geneseed? Do they steal it? Warbands eke out a meagre existence in the warp, as they are literally the enemies of EVERYONE. How in the world do they manage to get so many recruits? They are engaged in an even more constant war than regular loyalist, who have the tech and expertise of the Imperium, and worlds to recruit from in the event of a big loss. How does your warband have these things?"

 

By your logic, none of the Black Crusades should have been launched, because none of the warbands would band with any of the others and even if they did they couldn't possibly hope to launch a successful raid against some backwater world, let alone Cadia.

 

No offense, but you seem to be seriously underrating the Chaos warbands. There is a reason that despite 10,000 years of incessant and incredibly destructive infighting, none have ever attempted to invade the Eye. Or any Major Warp/realspace mix inhabitted by Chaos Marines. Well, and succeed.

 

Also, a lot of problems all point to one solution that I dare not say.

 

"M.I.S.S. Too many. Way to many for a Chaos warband. As said earlier, they are constantly fighting, being hounded by everyone in the galaxy. How do they get so many numbers? Either your guys are superhuman above superhuman and thus suffer no losses, or you have an endless stream of recruits, equipment, and geneseed; none of which Chaos has."

 

As above.

 

"The general rule of the Chaos is that the strong rule. Why are they suddenly rule abiding followers? Extremely potent. There you go again. Reeks of M.I.S.S. to me."

 

Did I point out yet that they don't worship Chaos? Maybe not. I'll have to fix that.

 

"You have an extremely odd view of what constants both slavery, and brutality. If I get captured, I'm a slave. If I can't leave, I'm a slave. If my brother and I try to break out, and I find out he was killed piece by piece with his head being preserved in terrible torture, I'm a slave to BRUTAL MASTERS. This entire paragraph is one giant contradiction.

 

I like the concept, but I haven't really learned anything about them, except that they are mercenaries, who want to be assassins. I've also learned that they are apparently the best mercenaries in the Warp, and that they have found a way to replenish their numbers and stay extremely strong. Flesh out more of what they are and what they do. Don't cryptically mention events, or who they once were. All that does is make the reader scratch their head and go, "Wait, what? Where did that come from?" Tone down descriptions of their potency, and reduce their numbers a bit. Also, your writing and editing need a bit of work, as well as spelling. Those are minor things to the story itself though."

 

The slave thing - Yeah. I know. I'll fix that.

 

I do want some mystery... but not confusion mystery. I'll reread it, and try to change the way things are generally presented.

 

A lot of what you pointed out is due to me failing to convey the sense of false power, of the illusion that the Wraiths are powerful, while in the truth they are few and most of their power comes from reputation. If you have any tips on how to get that across, well, you saw what my attempts yielded.

[ChaplainIktinos]

Take it easy shinzaren no need to be so harsh...

[Sigismund Himself]

I second nearly everything Shinzaren has said. You've got the concept working, now you've just got to wrestle with the wording to make it express that concept to readers clearly. It may take a few drafts but keep at it :lol:

 

Take it easy shinzaren no need to be so harsh...

You haven't seen an Octavulg special yet obviously ;) And you think they're bad! Back in my day we had Commissar Molotov ripping the flesh off our bones with a mere paragraph.

[Brother Argent]

You haven't seen an Octavulg special yet obviously :lol: And you think they're bad! Back in my day we had Commissar Molotov ripping the flesh off our bones with a mere paragraph.

 

Ah the good old days... Pity I only started at the end of the Commisar Mol era. I hear he's still around, you know. Whispers of an unnamed fear and all that. Uh, sorry. I'll be back with something constructive later. Just a bit... not here.

 

Oh and while shinzaren's comments may be true (I've quickly borowsed them) I think it is his delivery that might be the issue. Again I only browsed over the comments.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Take it easy shinzaren no need to be so harsh...

 

That was far from harsh. Siggy is right on the money here.

 

Also, Shinzaren pretty much nailed everything that needed to be reworked, which is the point of the Liber.

 

I think that the problem is coming from too much duality in the way the IA is being written. You can't really have two differing points of view in the same piece that is in itself an objective observance of the Wraiths. You can have it either be mysterious, or it can be factual, not both because the two don't mix. It becomes confusing, which seems to be exactly what has happened here.

 

Either you flat out state everything the Wraiths are doing or you have to think of a better way to convey their mystery and the fact that it may well be all smoke and mirrors, rather than true force. The best way to do that is to not have everything they do come out perfectly.

 

You cannot perfectly project a false image of yourself to everyone around you and not have some suspicions and tests come your way. Whether they build up a false image of their own power is not the point, it's how you present that projection to the reader through the suspicions of others.

[RagingGriffon]

I don't like mystery and suspense in my IA... in a novel? Yes. Liber? No. I know you are going this written by the Imperium so they don't know what is going on, but I don't think it is working.

 

I am not sold on this whole teleporting CSMs, either.

 

I like alot of the themes you got going, such as fighting back from destruction, being mercs, etc. However, there are other things that I think are MISS and tear me out of the IA. Teleporting, and the fact that they are so revered, but so weak at the same time.

 

Keep it up, though!

[Captain Juan Juarez]

On the idea of weakness...

 

 

Why not just make their power a mystery; they are not feared or revered, just other warbands are not sure quite how powerful or weak they are, so go for eaier targets mostly.

[Shinzaren]

Sorry if my comments seemed harsh. I just trying to convey where my sense of disbelief was stemming from, and where I, as the reader, had questions and doubts as to the IT. However, I think that the idea has a ton of promise, and if all the ideas that Dark Apostle has raging in his head can be calmed and properly put down in an organized fashion, we'll see a really great entry.

 

By your logic, none of the Black Crusades should have been launched, because none of the warbands would band with any of the others and even if they did they couldn't possibly hope to launch a successful raid against some backwater world, let alone Cadia.

 

No offense, but you seem to be seriously underrating the Chaos warbands. There is a reason that despite 10,000 years of incessant and incredibly destructive infighting, none have ever attempted to invade the Eye. Or any Major Warp/realspace mix inhabitted by Chaos Marines. Well, and succeed.

 

No offense taken. I stand by my statement that you have too many marines. The Black Crusades are an exception to the general rule that Chaos doesn't work well together. This is because, much like an Ork WAAGH!, Black Crusades are united behind a single powerful ruler, who has the blessing of one or more Chaos Gods, and can, through intimidation, terror, and straight might, control the other warbands. Your chapter would not have that overwhelming power, nor the blessing of the Gods, who they seem not to worship. So having them corral, control, and absorb other warbands seems unlikely.

 

I think, and this could just be me, that the reason no one invades the Eye, Maelstrom, or any other major hideout is due to two factors.

1.) If they are constantly killing each other, let them. Don't give them a common enemy to unite against, and thereby strengthen resistance against.

2.) The Warp itself. The Warp is plaything of the Chaos Gods, and attempting to invade their realms means entering daemon worlds, and the heart of the warp, where reality becomes unreality, and the laws of physics no longer apply. Sane men turn to madness in the blink of an eye, and the laughter of cruel gods strips flesh as easily as it does sanity. This, to me, is why the Eye remains semi-inviolate.

 

Anything to do with locations, area wide effects, and the like, is because they can TELEPORT! I just can't say it outright, because that would be far more awesome than they are now. And awesome is the wrong end of the scale. So, I make why they can do all this... absent. Let the reader figure it out for themselves.

 

Wait what? They can teleport? How? You said they don't worship Chaos? That would seem to the only way to be able to teleport across galaxy wide distances, and even then, that would be incredibly O.P. I think. As a reader, I did not get ANY ideas that they could teleport. I just thought they were scattered all over the place. Teleporting does seem a little much though, and I think, unnecessary. You've got so many good things about the chapter already. They're mercenaries, they use smoke and mirrors to project an image of strength they might not necessarily have, they play everyone against each other. These things are enough to build a great IT on. Teleporting seems like overpowered icing on a really awesome tasting cake. Next thing you know, your teeth have rotted out, and you have diabetes. Think of the children Dark Apostle! The children! Don't ice the awesome cake!

Edited July 21, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I think, and this could just be me, that the reason no one invades the Eye, Maelstrom, or any other major hideout is due to two factors.

1.) If they are constantly killing each other, let them. Don't give them a common enemy to unite against, and thereby strengthen resistance against.

2.) The Warp itself. The Warp is plaything of the Chaos Gods, and attempting to invade their realms means entering daemon worlds, and the heart of the warp, where reality becomes unreality, and the laws of physics no longer apply. Sane men turn to madness in the blink of an eye, and the laughter of cruel gods strips flesh as easily as it does sanity. This, to me, is why the Eye remains semi-inviolate.

 

 

Also think that - although they have a common enemy in the Imperium - if you bring the fight to their "doorstep" then you unite the various bands in a very focused way.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Don't worry Shinzaren, I won't feed the children. ^_^

 

I did want to give the point that 15 Summonings was increbily rare high point, definitely not the norm.

 

Teleporting is just means to get around. And keep themselves from getting killed.

 

I may have to drop teleporting... which is where the original concept of the Vengeance of Corax (who became the Wraiths in Real World). I don't want to do that.... I don't want to!

 

If I must, then I must. But it still feels... wrong, because that was the original core of the Vengeance.

[Shinzaren]

It might be hard to let go, but it's alright. Your ideas, and your IT have evolved to the point where they stand without teleporting, and they stand proud. It doesn't add anything, and just fosters additional thoughts that your chapter is OP. I vote drop it, and focus on the good things you already have.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I ust realized tat I missed everything said from Iktinos to Juan's post before Shinzarens's post that I responded to.

 

I really do need glasses. :)

 

Alright, Shinzaren. You've convinced me (something that nobody else in the Lber has managed to do, at least on this topic).

 

Now, how to do it...? Hmmm.... Hmmm....

Edited July 21, 2010 by Dark Apostle Thirst

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Alright, edited and rewrote. Some things will be explained in the recruitment and beliefs sections.

 

I had an idea I wanted to run by you guys before I threw it in - what about instead of having all the Wraiths teleport, only the psykers can? This way, they have a psyker attached to each 'group' of Wraiths (there roughly as many as there are Summonings), which allows them to communicate with the high command ( the one battle barge that's out on it's lonesome, somewhere in the vastness of space - will expand later) and get orders and what have you. No, they can't take other astartes. This might also lead to a group of GK like psykers who moniter the Summonings for any taint of Chaos, as they don't worship Chaos (will expand on that too).

 

Am I insane? Is it the awesome frosting? Should I tone it down? Should there only be five or so GK like psykers? Etc, Etc

[Shinzaren]

You're still calling them assassins, which still bugs me slightly. They are 7.5ft tall, wearing heavy plate armor, and carrying ridiculously loud and powerful weapons. How are they assassins? Mercenaries? Yes, awesome idea, I love it, its getting better and better. Assassins? No, Astartes are too big and too bold to be assassins. Killers maybe, but not assassins. However, in all fairness, this could just be me. I dunno, I just don't like Space Marines being called assassins.

 

Secondly, much better job explaining that their invincible strength is a facade, designed to deceive others. Still could be written a bit cleaner, but overall, I no longer feel that they are super mega awesome. After all, no one wants to be like the Invincible Sons, who hail from the world Invincibilus, in the Invincibilium sector, and travel the galaxy slaying evil from their invincible battle barge, the Invincibilitum. Explaining your guys really helped.

 

Other than that, the big thing that strikes me is a need for a bit of editing, and sentence construction. It still flows kinda funky, and some parts need to be structured slightly differently. Minor things though, not content related.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Yeah. I know. I am the worst writer I have ever met.

 

Blasted sentence structure....

 

Also, Space Marines can be assassins. They don't need to eat, sleep, or drink, which means they can wait as long as needed, and there is such a thing as silencers for bolters. Assuming they haven't bribed the Dark Mechanicus for a specificly designed weap...

 

Hey wait, that's not a bad idea. Unless you have some comments?

 

Also, I do want to know what you think about the psyker being able to teleport and the GK parody thing.

[Shinzaren]

I think you've got enough stuff going on with the chapter now, and it needs to be edited, streamlined, and refined. I don't think you need to add teleporting marines, or a GK parody, as it wouldn't add to the chapter, just pull attention and detract from the cool things that make your chapter unique.

 

Flesh out the mercenary attitudes, rework and edit it to make it more user friendly, stop calling them assassins, drop any ideas about teleporting marines or GK parodies, etc etc. :down: Stick with what you know works, and leave the rest out.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

But I plan on using them in such a way to extend the whole "Illusion of strength, truth in weakness" line. Maybe something like...

 

Due to anomilies in the geneseed, those with the psyker gift given the Wraiths of Darkness geneseed are able to transport themselves across the Warp with ease. They are few, however, and most are kept busy with relaying information between the Summoning they are attached to and the True Wraith*. However, there a few psykers that are part of High Command, and are not attached to the Summonings. Their sole duty is to moniter the Summonings for any taint of Chaos** and purge any that comes up. They have the full backing of the Wraiths, and more importantly, the Phantom Lord.

 

They are the only ones given this duty, because only they can carry it out. Most of the Wraiths are seperated by vast distances, and the psykers are the only thing connecting themselves to the rest of the warband.

 

*The True Wraith will be explained in the recruitment section.

 

**Will be explained in the beliefs section.

 

So? Is this bad?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

My problem is that you're creating work for yourself. The IA doesn't need any of this stuff to bring across what you have already.

 

My other problem is that Librarians can already 'gate' from one location to the other like a small teleport. The big problem is that no one can leap huge distances, it's suicide. It's the equivalent of being exposed to the warp on a ship without a Gellar field keeping it intact. You get ripped apart. Even chaos ships, so far as I know.

 

Psychic communication is fine. The other is just a little over the top.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

My problem is that you're creating work for yourself. The IA doesn't need any of this stuff to bring across what you have already.

 

My other problem is that Librarians can already 'gate' from one location to the other like a small teleport. The big problem is that no one can leap huge distances, it's suicide. It's the equivalent of being exposed to the warp on a ship without a Gellar field keeping it intact. You get ripped apart. Even chaos ships, so far as I know.

 

Psychic communication is fine. The other is just a little over the top.

That's why I am cutting down their numbers.

 

I do need - or rather, the Wraiths need - a force that hunts down the Chaos in thier midst. They alraedy fell once, and are not so keen to do so again.

 

They are renegades and traitors, but they aren't quite heretics. Well, they aren't a big fan of the Emperor, but they don't worship Chaos either.

 

So, this seems like a good solution. A very small force that makes sure they don't fall to Chaos, and having the Sorcerors regularly reporting back to the leaders. They can't take guys with them though.

 

It isn't even broken on the tabletop.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

They are heretics.. If they don't follow the Emperor that makes them heretics!

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

They are heretics.. If they don't follow the Emperor that makes them heretics!

They don't worship Chaos.

 

Look I'll run this through with you guys after I finish the Beliefs and Recruitment sections.

[Brother Roga]

Out of 8 posts, six are mine. This is probably because I don't contradict fluff, so there is nothing to comment on :D

 

I do want to apoligize, however. I had a discussion with a close friend the other day and it made me realize I am very disorganized and quickly distracted from a project. I need to get on with these IAs, I have (Wraithes, Lords, Merchants, Serpents, Angels, Hunters, Tears, Iron, Scythes.... I think I am missing two) 11 to go after all!

 

So, with that note, here begins the origins of the Wraithes of Darkness.

 

The Wraithes of Darkness were born from the Wraithes of the Emperor. This chapter was founded in the 21st Founding, and soon flourished. They earned a reputation for being elite spys and saboteurs, always at the right place at the right time, experts at hacking into the enemies comm and never letting them know.

 

Time passed. The Wraithes of the Emperor became one of the many chapters out there, with a decent history and the respect of their brothers as an equal brother. But they were not equal, for they were cursed.

 

The Wraithes of the Emperor could teleport. The effects of such journeys were extremely lethal to those without extreme protection or psychic gift. Eventually the Chapter Master himself accidentaly teleported, and was plucked from the Warp by Alpha Legionarres.

 

The Chapter Master was not forced to go through agonizing toture of the body, but rather of the mind. Constantly tempted by Chaos, shown the power he and his chapter could wield... eventually, they allowed him to escape and run back to his chapter.

 

It was there, with the power to do what the Alpha Legionarres wanted, that he faced darkest test of all. His chapter was dying, their greatest heroes being taken off into the Warp. After losing almost 75% of his First Company, he finally begged for whatever power was out there to protect them from, not kill them.

 

Tzeentch answered, and the Chapter Master led the Wriathes of the Emperor into the service of Chaos.

 

So, are the Wraithes of Darkness able to use their teleport abilities even now? Because i have a suggestion regarding that.

 

The Chapter/Legion/Warband leader was calling out for help, Tzeentch answered.He let the Marines preserve their teleportation ability, and made it a safe manouvre as well, but with a cost. The armor that the marines wear was imbued with a restrictive curse. Once Tzeentch deemed the marine worthy, he would grant a vision to the marine, and he would teleport to a random planet where the loyalists dwell. Using his new power, he must avoid the loyalist Marines and steal a one-man space craft. If the marine succeeds, he will be granted another vision, regarding the nearest place where his brother-marines are attacking at the moment.

 

This further enhances the fact that when they were Loyalists, they used stealth to their advantage.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Erm, old fluff? First page is where it is at.