The Rift Lords - Ace's idea for traitors

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The problem is Ace, that no one wants to wait! Everyone is too impatient to have their own projects linked with one of your rather highly esteemed creative visions. Or perhaps they simply think far too highly of their own! ;)

I saw that... :D

 

On location and the Shroud Stars - I'll have a outpost set up, and a sizeable force, but the entirety of the Wraiths is never in one location. I also don't want to piggyback on your IT - it just seems like the Wraiths will become either 1) thugs and or 2) an extension of your IT, rather than an IT of their own.

 

I'll write a sidebar, and I'll try to make it flexible enough to withstand changes. If it doesn't fit, then I'll write another one.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The Rift Lord waited. He was used to the Wraith of Darkness being late, but the mysterious commander had never failed to show up.

 

The senior Rift Lord heard a noise behind him, and the Wraith was there.

"There is a loyalist force, weakened by a recent campaign against a group of Guard that had recently seen the light of Chaos. We require your help, and are willing to pay."

The Wraith's response was immediate: "Do you want them to join the Rift Lords, or will our gains be in fresh sacrifices as well?"

"A few. Those who doubt will be appreciated... but that will cost extra, undoubtably."

"The Shroud Stars are rich in resources. And there is a reason you need the Wraiths help."

The Rift Lord narrowed his eyes, but said nothing to antagonize the Wraith. They did need the Wraiths help.

"I care not, as long as your master Maluk pays. Where is the force, and how strong is it?"

The Rift Lord began filling the Wraith on the details, and when he was done he turned away. The Wraith was too useful to kill, but they seemed to ignore the rumours that the two leaders of the Rift Lords had ordered to be spread. Perhaps a bribe...

The Rift Lord turned back to the Wraith, but he was already gone.

Maluk needed to be told.

[Ace Debonair]

Riftmark Balbazak paced anxiously back and forth. It was an hour past the appointed meeting time, and the representative of the Wraiths Of Darkness was yet to arrive. Balbazak was just about to give the order to his men to move out when a tall, shadowy figure stepped out of a dark corner. Balbazak tried not to show surprise - that corner had been the first place he had checked upon arrival.

"You're late, Wraith. I will keep this short. We require your assistance in removing some unenlightened bretheren."

The Wraith's response was immediate: "Do you require them alive, or will our gains be in fresh sacrifices as well?"

"A few should be taken alive if possible. Our sorcerors require them for information... but that will cost extra, undoubtably."

"The Shroud Stars are rich in resources. And there is a reason you need the Wraiths help."

The Rift Lord narrowed his eyes, but said nothing to antagonize the Wraith. They did need the Wraiths help.

"I care not, as long as your master Maluk pays. Where is the force, and how strong is it?"

The Rift Lord began filling the Wraith on the details, and when he was done he turned away.

The Wraith watched the Riftmark lead his men away into the inner city, then stepped back into the shadows.

 

It's basically your story but with the Rift Lord given a name and title.

 

If Maluk is equivalent to a Chapter Master, the Riftmarks are equivalent to Captains. There's going to be four Riftmarks, each of whom oversees a particular sphere of operations under the orders of Maluk and Keja.

It says a lot for the importance of this mission that a Riftmark is sent to make the deal, at least in my mind. :tu:

 

'Course, it's up to you what to use, I've just provided you with more details.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

It's a good start but it's a bit clunky. You need to personalize the characters a bit, the Rift Lords officer needs a name or at the very least an alternate descriptive term to reference him by.

 

You've also got a couple of somewhat unwieldy sentences.

 

First you say this officer is used to waiting for the Wraith, but then goes on to say to the Wraith that he is willing to pay for his services. Why wouldn't they be? Have they not had a similar arrangement before as is implied in the opening line?

 

On another note, why is this all taking place verbally? Why not simply hand over a data-slate. By removing too much of a 'briefing' you can concentrate on any banter you might want between these two characters, making them more interesting as at the moment they are both a little bland. You can still reference the mission so as to inform the reader of what is going on, but just not so descriptive.

 

Similarly you only need to say 'payment will be given in the usual way' or some other such. I personally don't really need nor want to know what the payment is, it could be anything and 'resources' is a bit too nebulous to be interesting. I'd much rather see how the two characters, from two totally different character driven traitor organizations react to one another, which is what makes Ace's Maluk and Keja so intriguing.

 

The Rift Lord began filling the Wraith on the details, and when he was done he turned away. The Wraith was too useful to kill, but they seemed to ignore the rumours that the two leaders of the Rift Lords had ordered to be spread. Perhaps a bribe...

 

I think you need to wait for Ace to finish just what is happening with the Rift Lords before you add in something that impacts upon his IT.

 

Just a few observations to improve this little piece.

 

I saw that... :P

 

What, me? I did nothing! ;) :tu:

 

 

EDIT:

 

Damn you Ace, why must you get there first! :P

Edited June 8, 2010 by Grey Hunter Ydalir

[Ace Debonair]

I think you need to wait for Ace to finish just what is happening with the Rift Lords before you add in something that impacts upon his IT.

 

No worries. DAT did say that the sidebar will be updated to reflect any changes to both the Wraiths and the Rift Lords.

I'll probably use something similar somewhere in the finished IA, although maybe from a different mission.

 

Damn you Ace, why must you get there first! :tu:

It's all this working with the Rift Lords - the penchant for fast, unexpected strikes is rubbing off on me. :D

 

Incidentally, there won't be much updating from me this week. Refitting all my secret caves is turning out to be an extremely time-consuming project.

I had enough time this morning to jot out a more fleshed-out sidebar, but there's not going to be much work on the Rift Lords done (outside of my head) for the rest of the week.

 

Though, the Rift Lords will probably employ non-chaos-orientated titles and similar for their warband, since they mask the true nature of their Gods and similar by not talking directly about Chaos.

 

Hence my use of Riftmark for Maluk's second-in-commands, and probably Maluk will find himself with the rather warlike title of 'Firstblade' - a warrior sworn to bring the light of the Great Gods to all, fighting off the opression and tyranny of the Emperor wherever they rear their heads.

 

I need a good name for the public-speaking Rift Lords, though, which has got me stumped. You know, the ones who do all the converting.

Any suggestions muchly appreciated!

[Brother Argent]

Why not 'Prophet' or 'Speaker'. The leader of this group could then be the 'High Speaker'. Just sounds neat to me.

 

Oh and I'm working on the Iron Dragons IT the moment and I have a little bit I want to run by you for how the ID and RL interact, I'll PM you when I finally get it written/before I put it in the IT as a sidebar.

Edited June 8, 2010 by Silver Phoenix

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Demagogue? Oracle?

 

Hmm...

 

Redeemer? As in he 'redeems' the souls of the masses from the false-Emperor.

 

I can't think of much else at the moment, I'll get back to you if I do!

[Wildfire]

Demagogue?

 

Pretty sure that's what Word Bearers call theirs. May want to stay away from it for that reason.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I thought a demagogue was basically a dissenting public speaker or figure, I didn't know the Word Bearers had positions under that moniker. The only unique position I thought they had compared to the other traitor legions were the Dark Chaplains or Apostles. That said, my knowledge of the Word Bearers is not stellar.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

There is Dark Apostle, Dark Acolyte, Icon Bearer, Coryphaus, and Sorceror, but no Demagogue as far as I'm aware.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I need a good name for the public-speaking Rift Lords, though, which has got me stumped. You know, the ones who do all the converting.

Any suggestions muchly appreciated!

 

The Voice.

 

The Word.

 

 

Very simple and elegant, can also mean that the uniformed masses believe it is one entity rather than a group.

[Wildfire]

Someone check out the 3.5 Chaos 'dex. I'm pretty sure there was a Demogague in there somewhere. Perhaps Alpha Legion? Sadly, my copy is in storage now, so I can't find it myself.

[Ace Debonair]

This is the best thing about the Liber - as soon as one guy runs out of ideas, everyone else takes over the brainstorming.

Instead of having no idea what to call the preachy-types, I now have far too many awesome names to choose from. :D

 

The ones that have really caught my attention are Speaker, The Voice, Oracle, and The Word.

Especially since in the case of The Voice/Word, each individual with that office will be called 'The Voice/Word of the Rift Lords.' Makes them sounds very important, doesn't it?

 

Real life continues to interfere with my plans to get a good IT written up.

Perhaps next week will yield better results.

Regrettably I don't own any codexes, so I can't shed any light on the Demagogue debate. ;)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Maybe in the 3.5 dex, but in the 4th edition dex had no demagogue and the only thing pertaining to the Alpha Legion was the destruction of the Emperor's Swords. Personally, I would go with the current dex, but that may be because I'm biased towards the word Demagogue :tu:

 

Despite my biases, I think Ace has the right idea with the Word and Voice as the title... to the public....

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I think Ace has the right idea with the Word and Voice as the title... to the public....

 

Inspired choices, even if I do say so myself!

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I agree, The Word and The Voice fit very well, beautifully simple. Great ideas Juarez!

[Reyner]

Demagogue was an upgrade or special rule concerning the Word Bearers in the 3.5 Codex.

[Ace Debonair]

Demagogue was an upgrade or special rule concerning the Word Bearers in the 3.5 Codex.

 

I should stay away from that one, then. :huh:

Cheers, Reyner.

[Ace Debonair]

Alrighty, something else to think about.

 

The Rift Lords are based in the Shroud Stars. Now, as Silver Phoenix brought up, the Shroud Stars would be pretty darn killer as a big ol' ship's graveyard with warp storms flying around it all the time.

 

But, the name itself implies there are some stars in there, and quite probably planets.

It's not a little place, but that's fine, considering just how big the galaxy is.

 

So, I'm thinking of giving the Rift Lords a world to recruit from. I've had the idea in my head for a long time that they recruit like a conventional space marine chapter, and it makes sense to me for the Rift Lords to have a planet in the Shroud Stars for that purpose.

 

Of course, they'll still have a big old space hulk as their base - they'll just have a particular planet that is considered their turf too.

 

Although, they could just recruit people from worlds that they convert, but I always like making the bad guys seem like they're much bigger and badder than the good guys, and having a steady, reliable source of recruits works from that perspective too.

 

What do you think? Is homeworld+space hulk fortress going too far?

Am I making the Rift Lords too 'awesome'?

[Ferrus Manus]

After our recent PM exchanges I feel honour-bound to reply to this topic :)

 

Well on the subject of recruitment here's some ideas from my Unborn thread - which you suggested:

Could the Unborn not also pretend to be loyal space marines , offering salvation? :D

Only on the operating table would the truth become known - much, much too late to do anything about it. :(

Which I think could work here... unless you feel that the RLs' recruiting world would be comfortable being recruited by Traitors - which makes the point that perhaps the Shroud Stars don't mind being controlled by CSMs? But then, if the SS is a big area I doubt the Imperium would be happy with that. I'm sidetracking, back to my point: I think it would be a good idea for the RLs to take recruits from worlds they convert and perhaps make them into a recruitment circuit, in which they visit each planet in turn taking potentials as they go. What's the point in having a Hulk if your not going to use it? :P

[RagingGriffon]

Here is my thoughts about recruiting from a planet inside Warp Storms:

 

- Do you have daemons to contend with?

- They are probably going to be pre-black powder unless they are in a city you control

- Do other Traitors attack your planet?

- How do you reproduce Marines? I'm sure it takes a lot of resources to create new Astartes

 

Just a thought. I need to sleep now. My circadian rhythm is all jacked up.

[Lysimachus]

I think one of the best things about the Rift Lords is the slightly faceless/shadowy evil feel to them, and I worry that having something so obvious as a specific world that they recruit from would be counter to that theme.

 

Also, given that there are other warbands (possibly some of whom are a match for the Lords numbers wise) who would like to overthrow the Lords dominance if it were possible, wouldn't the Lords recruiting world be a fairly clear target? Come to think of it, it would make a pretty obvious target for the Imperium too! Surely it's safer to recruit from the hundreds of different places they visit, and almost impossible to prevent them from doing it?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I think one of the best things about the Rift Lords is the slightly faceless/shadowy evil feel to them, and I worry that having something so obvious as a specific world that they recruit from would be counter to that theme.

 

I concur.

 

Why not emphasise that shadowy feel and perhaps have them pray on Imperial worlds that are subject to the Ecclesiarchy or even other Astartes recruitment worlds - ones where there are a Squad or two, rather than a homeworld.

 

This would emphasise both the sneaky and the religipous overtones!

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

What do you think? Is homeworld+space hulk fortress going too far?

Am I making the Rift Lords too 'awesome'?

 

I think the Hulk is fine, but I don't like the idea of a homeworld for these guys.

 

While I agree with what has been said already, it feels far more 'evil' if perhaps you had a sidebar or something on a shipment of new recruits being brought aboard the hulk. It seems more like the 'bond villain minion' or the Stormtroopers from Star Wars, that there were a bleedin' lot of 'em but you don't quite know where they all come from.

 

Every evil has it's coalition of the willing after all. The fact that the Rift Lords present chaos as a legitimate faith rather than a parasitic symbiosis should, really, make it that much easier to gain willing converts. Honestly I think you should imply rather than flat out tell where they get their people from.

[Ace Debonair]

Every evil has it's coalition of the willing after all. The fact that the Rift Lords present chaos as a legitimate faith rather than a parasitic symbiosis should, really, make it that much easier to gain willing converts. Honestly I think you should imply rather than flat out tell where they get their people from.

 

Well, I'm glad I tested that idea before I went ahead with it. :)

I'd come up with a good name for a homeworld (which doubles a not-too-subtle nod to some of my all-time favourite villains), but I guess I can use it for the space hulk anyhow. ;)

 

I was hoping to have time to work on the Rift Lords this week, but I've got family over visiting as of... about ten minutes from now. :P

The odds of getting to write anything before friday are looking rather slim indeed, in other words.

 

Thanks for the feedback, guys. ;)