CKO Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I am very impressed by the culture you created with this chapter with the use of women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinzaren Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 The idea of Pyron itself rising up to destroy the Orks is sweet. Especially because it can also be a mystery. The Faithful might see it as the Emperor acting through the planet, others that the planet was acting to defend the Marines, and the cynical/realists can point that the planet was always unstable/ready to erupt. Brilliant idea, all the way around. Well done. If you still need ?? marines to come witness Pyron's end, my Sons of Lightning are a fleet based Chapter in the Veil Region, which is Southern Tempestus. Not a huge leap to have them wander a bit east, to the borders of Tempestus and Ultima, especially if they are hunting Eldar. Up to you though :teehee: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 I do appreciate the C&C. As for ?? chapter ... I'm still looking over the offers, I may even go for multiple chapters responding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Necronpheliac Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I really dig the idea that your marines are selectively breeding their recruits. Very cool idea that's pretty different from most. I don't know if you're married to your color scheme, but maybe throw a lick of orange somewhere in there for more fiery goodness. Red and black is so last founding ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Well red and black are the color of magma ... and I got it from a pic I really like. Glad you like the idea, not really sure why no one else came up with it before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Necronpheliac Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 i figured it was linked to magma. Well usually people mess with the governing aspect of marines and less on something like you're doing. Pretty novel concept and i look forward to future updates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 here is the pic I 'stole' it from. Actually this is a Blood Raven I think, and the legs should be red as well ... but I didn't find that out till later and I like the black lower legs. Guess I didn't really steal it after all. http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/ecritter/Space%20Marines/Warhammer-40K-Space-Marine.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 17, 2010 Author Share Posted October 17, 2010 any more C&C? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 The only thing I can point to without a rather closer look at the IA (which I can't do at this moment, apologies) is that a lot of the writing is far too 'familiar'. It reads like you're chatting to a friend about the chapter, rather than it being an official historical document. The quoted text below is case and point. The Pyronites originally saw the arrival of the Mortifactors training cadre with suspicion and fear. Hiding from these huge armored men who acted like they owned everything they saw seemed like the best way to deal with them. The Italicized part is fine and dandy and opens the paragraph nicely. The part in bold is where it is let down. Do you see what I mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 GHY - I did some rewritting to remove the familiar feel where I saw it. If you see more please let me know. I always have trouble with this part of the IA, and any help is greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 Small rewrite done, along with new Termie pic being added. Any more C&C? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinzaren Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Where will the fire strike next, only time can tell. This reads rather clunkily, and could perhaps be rewritten. "Where the fire will strike next, only time will tell." When rediscovered, Pyron had little to offer to the Imperium. To the Mortifactors, however, Pyron appeared to have everything a chapter of Space Marines needed. Hot volcanic gases made life on the surface impossible, and the hard life in the numerous man-made subterranean chambers and tunnels of the old mines made of a population of stout and industrious people. Perfect candidates for recruitment. I thought you said it was mineral rich? The Imperium can always use another mining planet. Though I guess maybe the mines are closed? In time, the Pyronites became bolder and, slowly at first, they began to make contact with the Space Marines. As the marines scouted and studied the local inhabitants, the Pyronites also gathered information on the universe around them. Tales of the Emperor, the Space Marines and the Imperium spread like wildfire through the population. Not only were they to know the protection the Space Marines would provide from the savage ones, what the Pyronites called the Orcs that had plagued them for centuries, but their young would have the chance to the Space Marines. A chance to become more then they were and have a better life then the hard one forced on them by Pyron seemed a great opportunity. 40k has Orks. Fantasy has Orcs. The Sons would become exceptional Space Marines and the Daughters would be the sisters and mothers of future generations of the chapter, as well as manning the fleet of the Sons of Pyron. This is a cool idea, but it seems like it could also be dangerous. If the mothers and sisters join the Marines on patrol, you have a lot of emotional attachments. I like the idea, but I dunno how it would work given the nature of Space Marines. Though I suppose the Salamanders make it work... Late in the 38th Millennium Pyron once again found itself under attack by a large force of Orcs. The Sons were wont to return to protect their home world, but duty had called them far away and they were forced to put out a general call for assistance for any chapter in the area. Orks. By the time the first of the Sons companies were able to return, they found Pyron a smoldering rock devoid of life. In orbit above their home world was an Ultramarine Battle Barge. Thinking the Ultramarines had caused the destruction of their home world the Sons flew into a rage and prepared to attack them. Only the quick report by the Ultramarine Master held their vengeance and revealed the truth. Ahh no! Don't use the Smurfs! No no no. Use someone else. Anyone else! The Vanilla Gorillas are doing enough stuff already! The Ultramarines had found Pyron in flames, its surface covered in molten lava. Messages intercepted from the fleeing Orcs claimed the planet itself had pushed them back. Rather then fall into the hands of Chaos, Pyron's volcanoes had all erupted at once. All that remained was a lifeless planet. Orks. And why say it was falling to the hands of Chaos? Orks aren't Chaos at all. It was only the intervention of Pyron itself that had finally stopped the Orc invasion. For a full week the Sons and Daughters wailed in sorrow over the loss of their brothers and sisters, their people, and their world. They vowed never to forget the great sacrifices all had given to stop the Orcs. Orks. After the time of weeping had ended, the Masters all gathered and it was decided that there would be no new home world for the Sons, for no other world could replace Pyron. The Master of the 1st Company assumed command of the Chapter and set it on a course of vengeance. Dividing the Sons' into five new companies, each with reserves and scouts, the new Chapter Master sent them out with two distinct missions. First, to destroy the forces of Chaos that had caused the death of their home world, and second, to cleanse other worlds of the taint of Chaos as Pyron had done … with fire. See, here's the issue. You are confusing me on who attacked the planet. You said Orks, but you keep saying Chaos. Was it Chaos? Or was it Orks? If it was Orks, have them hunt Orks. If it was Chaos, stop saying it was the Orks. Most of the belief system of the Sons of Pyron was spawned, in one way or another, from Pyron, its sacrifice, and the savage ones that caused its destruction. The Sons, and Daughters, of Pyron are quick to show compassion to other humans but equally as quick to crush aliens and the agents of Chaos that they encounter. Orks or Chaos, who attacked Pyron? Having a nemesis that is anything but pure, not animal nor plant, has led the Sons to despise any form of impurity or alien. Hatred of the Orcs has led the Sons to be severely Xenophobic, hating anything not human or tainted by Chaos. Only the cleansing fire can rid the universe of the impure. Orks. Secondly, nearly all chapters are incredibly xenophobic, as this is the 41 millennium. The Sons see themselves and other Space Marines as the ultimate in purity. But some Chapters they find to be less then pure. Those that have fallen to Chaos are to be hunted and cleansed, and those whose geneseed has become tainted or warped are not above suspicion and to be watched closely. How does this affect their dealings with them? Do they hate dealing with Blood Angels, Space Wolves, and Raven Guard successors? Do they dislike the mutations of the Salamanders? Recruitment for the Sons has been refined to the point of perfection. Recruits are no longer found, they are bred and trained from birth to be ultimate warriors. Children born to the Daughters of Pyron are closely examined upon birth for any defect, physical or mental. Those found impure are slain least the impurity spread. Should be Lest. Secondly, where did this purity thing come from? If it's a result of Pyron's destruction, why? Orks don't spread impurity. Seems like they went from normal marines, to psychotic purity freaks, just because their planet was destroyed and Orks are to blame. So, the Chapter is good, very well written, and very unique. The ideas of the Sons and the Daughters is clever. I still don't understand where their purity fervor started, or why they hate Chaos more than any other chapter, but I hope that gets explained. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 Where will the fire strike next, only time can tell. This reads rather clunkily, and could perhaps be rewritten. "Where the fire will strike next, only time will tell." reworded When rediscovered, Pyron had little to offer to the Imperium. To the Mortifactors, however, Pyron appeared to have everything a chapter of Space Marines needed. Hot volcanic gases made life on the surface impossible, and the hard life in the numerous man-made subterranean chambers and tunnels of the old mines made of a population of stout and industrious people. Perfect candidates for recruitment. I thought you said it was mineral rich? The Imperium can always use another mining planet. Though I guess maybe the mines are closed? Specified that the planet was mined out now In time, the Pyronites became bolder and, slowly at first, they began to make contact with the Space Marines. As the marines scouted and studied the local inhabitants, the Pyronites also gathered information on the universe around them. Tales of the Emperor, the Space Marines and the Imperium spread like wildfire through the population. Not only were they to know the protection the Space Marines would provide from the savage ones, what the Pyronites called the Orcs that had plagued them for centuries, but their young would have the chance to the Space Marines. A chance to become more then they were and have a better life then the hard one forced on them by Pyron seemed a great opportunity. 40k has Orks. Fantasy has Orcs. changed The Sons would become exceptional Space Marines and the Daughters would be the sisters and mothers of future generations of the chapter, as well as manning the fleet of the Sons of Pyron. This is a cool idea, but it seems like it could also be dangerous. If the mothers and sisters join the Marines on patrol, you have a lot of emotional attachments. I like the idea, but I dunno how it would work given the nature of Space Marines. Though I suppose the Salamanders make it work... I think we'll make it work, the Daughter act as any other chapter serf when in the fleet and combat. Late in the 38th Millennium Pyron once again found itself under attack by a large force of Orcs. The Sons were wont to return to protect their home world, but duty had called them far away and they were forced to put out a general call for assistance for any chapter in the area. Orks. changed By the time the first of the Sons companies were able to return, they found Pyron a smoldering rock devoid of life. In orbit above their home world was an Ultramarine Battle Barge. Thinking the Ultramarines had caused the destruction of their home world the Sons flew into a rage and prepared to attack them. Only the quick report by the Ultramarine Master held their vengeance and revealed the truth. Ahh no! Don't use the Smurfs! No no no. Use someone else. Anyone else! The Vanilla Gorillas are doing enough stuff already! well, they are everywhere :) The Ultramarines had found Pyron in flames, its surface covered in molten lava. Messages intercepted from the fleeing Orcs claimed the planet itself had pushed them back. Rather then fall into the hands of Chaos, Pyron's volcanoes had all erupted at once. All that remained was a lifeless planet. Orks. And why say it was falling to the hands of Chaos? Orks aren't Chaos at all. always thought Orks were a part of chaos, changed to make it clear. It was only the intervention of Pyron itself that had finally stopped the Orc invasion. For a full week the Sons and Daughters wailed in sorrow over the loss of their brothers and sisters, their people, and their world. They vowed never to forget the great sacrifices all had given to stop the Orcs. Orks. changed After the time of weeping had ended, the Masters all gathered and it was decided that there would be no new home world for the Sons, for no other world could replace Pyron. The Master of the 1st Company assumed command of the Chapter and set it on a course of vengeance. Dividing the Sons' into five new companies, each with reserves and scouts, the new Chapter Master sent them out with two distinct missions. First, to destroy the forces of Chaos that had caused the death of their home world, and second, to cleanse other worlds of the taint of Chaos as Pyron had done … with fire. See, here's the issue. You are confusing me on who attacked the planet. You said Orks, but you keep saying Chaos. Was it Chaos? Or was it Orks? If it was Orks, have them hunt Orks. If it was Chaos, stop saying it was the Orks. reworded to make it clear. Most of the belief system of the Sons of Pyron was spawned, in one way or another, from Pyron, its sacrifice, and the savage ones that caused its destruction. The Sons, and Daughters, of Pyron are quick to show compassion to other humans but equally as quick to crush aliens and the agents of Chaos that they encounter. Orks or Chaos, who attacked Pyron? Orks Having a nemesis that is anything but pure, not animal nor plant, has led the Sons to despise any form of impurity or alien. Hatred of the Orcs has led the Sons to be severely Xenophobic, hating anything not human or tainted by Chaos. Only the cleansing fire can rid the universe of the impure. Orks. Secondly, nearly all chapters are incredibly xenophobic, as this is the 41 millennium. I guess I wanted to be more xenophobic ... its their niche. The Sons see themselves and other Space Marines as the ultimate in purity. But some Chapters they find to be less then pure. Those that have fallen to Chaos are to be hunted and cleansed, and those whose geneseed has become tainted or warped are not above suspicion and to be watched closely. How does this affect their dealings with them? Do they hate dealing with Blood Angels, Space Wolves, and Raven Guard successors? Do they dislike the mutations of the Salamanders? They don't really hate dealing with other chapters they see as impure, just as stated ... they must be watched. Recruitment for the Sons has been refined to the point of perfection. Recruits are no longer found, they are bred and trained from birth to be ultimate warriors. Children born to the Daughters of Pyron are closely examined upon birth for any defect, physical or mental. Those found impure are slain least the impurity spread. Should be Lest. Secondly, where did this purity thing come from? If it's a result of Pyron's destruction, why? Orks don't spread impurity. Seems like they went from normal marines, to psychotic purity freaks, just because their planet was destroyed and Orks are to blame. As stated in the Impure section of Beliefs, Orks may not spread impurity ... but as a race of aliens that is completely inhuman, neither animal or plant but both has led to the desire to cleanse all impurity from the Imperium. So, the Chapter is good, very well written, and very unique. The ideas of the Sons and the Daughters is clever. I still don't understand where their purity fervor started, or why they hate Chaos more than any other chapter, but I hope that gets explained. They don't hate Chaos more then any other chapter (at least not after this rewrite), impurity they hate more. That was dealt with in the Impure section of Beliefs. Thanks for the great C&C. Made alot of changes to clearify things on the Chaos vs. Ork front. Removed most of the references to Chaos altogether, now they only fight Chaos on the same level as any other chapter. 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Shinzaren Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Good deal. Yeah, Orks are actually one of the most Chaos resistant species in the galaxy. And while it's true they spread chaos, they are not allied with Chaos :D I'll give it another reread when I get back from lunch. But seriously. Not the Smurfs. Take my Sons, take anyone else that suggested a chapter, or just make one up. I'm not a huge UM fan... as you might have noticed... :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 I could just not name the chapter that was there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinzaren Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Yeah, you could put that they found an unknown battle barge above Pyron. When hailed, the Master of the Barge explained the situation, averting even more death and tragedy. Yadda yadda Orks, yadda yadda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 22, 2010 Author Share Posted October 22, 2010 UMs are gone, replace by ... hold your breath, the Imperial Navy. I figured we use then so little that I might as well put them to work too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 23, 2010 Author Share Posted October 23, 2010 And back to my original color scheme ... decided not to steal (mostly) from BRs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reyner Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 That colour scheme looks much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 25, 2010 Author Share Posted October 25, 2010 Version 2.0 is up. Added Chapter Symbol. Added new section on the Chapter's recruiting worlds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Their home world lost to flames, the Sons of Pyron crusade to rid the Imperium of Man of all manner of savage, impure, beasts. Not satisfied to simply drive Chaos from their beloved Imperium, the Sons strive to cleanse it with holy fire. They have pledged to burn all that stand against Holy Terra. Where the fire strikes next, only time can tell. I've started this three times now. Every time, I get to about the fourth paragraph, stop for a bit, and when I come back it's been updated. ;) I may be slightly terse, since in my mind I've said some of this four times already. Anyway: Don't overdo the theme, and be careful not to resemble the Salamanders too much. Home World This isn't really the Home World section - the later stuff about recruitment is. This is just how they found it. I'd put this as part of History. Both boys and girls competed in the games, though only the boys that performed well would be considered for recruitment. The Pyronite girls found honor and took pride in simply competing and even outperforming some of the boys. Of course, winning in the games was only the first of many test that prospective recruits would have to endure. The path to become a Son was a long and arduous one and few would find the strength and spirit to move on to the next phase and become Space Marine Initiates. Why did they let the girls compete? Firstly, a society constantly under attack would be more likely to cloister its women away - men are, for better or worse, a lot more disposable than women are if you're trying to maintain a population. Second, if they're only going to take the boys, why let the girls compete at all? Although the games and normal recruitment of boys remained the only way for the Sons to grow to a full chapter with any relative speed, Master Heronus began to put his idea to the test. If it succeeded, it would give the Sons an option no other chapter had, and if it failed it could easily be ended with no harm done. Heronus began taking worthy girls from the games into the growing number within the Sons training program. These girls would be taught combat, both hand to hand and ship to ship, and someday man the Sons' great fleet of ships. This feels out of character for a Chapter which derives its nature from the (frankly unpleasant) Marines Malevolent (whose name always seems more subtle in my head). They've always struck me as both rather conservative and rather contemptuous of the human population. Wanting to add more humans to the Chapter feels...odd. As the first of these girls began to reach maturity, Heronus moved on to the next phase of his plan by adding adult men to the games. The men who excelled in the games would of course not be eligible to become Space Marines, as they were much too old to take part in the conversion of their bodies using the geneseed, but they were perfect for Heronus' plan. Winning for these men gave them the opportunity to lay with the Daughters of Pyron. In this way, finding worthy recruits was no longer to be left to random environmental chance, for the first time since the Primarchs … Space Marines were bred from worthy parents and trained from birth to be ultimate warriors. Not entirely sure this is appropriate. The grim darkness of the far future where there is only war is not ready to learn about the perpetuation of the species. I'm not saying don't have such a program, just that this is a little too explicit about it. Plus, wouldn't make more sense to preserve initial genetic material from successful Space Marine candidates and then use that, rather than drawing on the guys who presumably didn't make the cut initially? With some iron wombs and stuff, for added technological wonderment? By the time the first of the Sons companies were able to return, they found Pyron a smoldering rock devoid of life. How could they tell? :P A small Imperial task force had responded to the call for aide only to find Pyron in flames, its surface covered in molten lava. Wasn't it already? I'm sorry, I just have this image in my head of "My Lord! Our home world is in flames!" "And?" "There is no life upon its surface!" "Still not sure why you're alarmed, Brother..." "There's lava everywhere!" "Again..." After the time of weeping had ended, the Masters all gathered and it was decided that there would be no new home world for the Sons, for no other world could replace Pyron. The Master of the 1st Company assumed command of the Chapter and set it on a course of vengeance. Dividing the Sons' into five new companies, each with reserves and scouts, the new Chapter Master sent them out with two distinct missions. First, to destroy the alien forces that had caused the death of their home world, and second, to cleanse other worlds as Pyron had done … with fire. OK, I like this. :jaw: Following the great sacrifice of Pyron, it became necessary for the Sons to find alternate worlds to recruit from. In the Chapter's crusade to battle Orks, two of the companies discovered worlds that, though they would never replace Pyron, would provide suitable adult males for the Games to continue. I wouldn't even bother with these. The story has officially peaked with them resolving to cleanse other worlds in the manner of Pyron. Just mention that they recruit from other worlds that they encounter in their travels. Alternately, have them miopically keep using the genetic material of Pyron in a breeding program relying on artificial means, which allows all kinds of hints that it's degrading. Most of the belief system of the Sons of Pyron was spawned, in one way or another, from Pyron, its sacrifice, and the savage ones that caused its destruction. The Sons, and Daughters, of Pyron are quick to show compassion to other humans but equally as quick to crush the savage aliens and any that stand against the Imperium when they are encountered. I think there should be more than this. Since the induction of the Daughters of Pyron, the belief that the two are equals has become a standard within the chapter. They are the mothers and sisters of the marines and treated with due respect and reverence .. in life and death. Women have been the mothers and sisters of men since time immemorial, and it has never necessarily lead to equality. Indeed, it often leads to protection and attempts to shield them from reality... The anniversary of the Sacrifice of Pyron is a day of reverence for the Chapter. Those seeing a Son on this day will find them quiet and reserved with a solemn tear on their face. Those finding themselves in combat against the Sons on this day, find the Sons of a single mind … destroy with fire, without mercy. Would they fight on that day? I'd expect lots of mourning and sacrifices involving burning. * * * I'd really recommend moving toward a more artificial breeding program. It puts the emphasis on the program, rather than the breeding. Plus, it makes it even more plausible that they could continue with it onboard their fleet - there are practical limits to humans, but far fewer to technology. I'm concerned about the equality angle - it needs to be better justified, I'm thinking. The Imperium has never seemed a particularly progressive society, and a technologically regressive one would seem even less likely to be so. If you have the society be equal and the women warriors get all cranky about being excluded from the games, maybe. Obviously, you need to explore things more. What about the Chapter's beliefs? How did the people of Pyron feel about the Emperor? How have they dealt with the loss of Pyron? That sort of thing. The loss of the home world is the defining event of the Chapter - the official history section of the IA should stop immediately after the whole "with fire" bit. The story is officialy peaked right there. After that, use the other sections to explain what Pyron was like in slightly more detail and to explain how the Chapter has dealt with its loss. I'm not sure Pyron is a particularly good name for the home world, but I've seen worse. Hell, I've made worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Just a couple of spelling mistakes I spotted. Not only were they to know the protection the Space Marines would provide from the savage ones, what the Pyronites called the Orks that had plagued them for centuries, but their young would have the chance to the Space Marines. A chance to become more then they were and have a better life then the hard one forced on them by Pyron seemed a great opportunity. I think that was meant to be "the chance to join the space marines" and "become more than they were", although I would replace it with "become more than mortal" for dramatic coolness. ;) In time the fear of the Space Marines turned to acceptance and later to hope. Life on Pyron was hard and always would be, but now there was at least a chance for something better. It was this environment of hope that aided the training cadre in their recruitment efforts and their numbers crew rapidly. Should read "grew rapidly." :D Having a nemesis that is anything but pure, not animal nor plant, has led the Sons to despise any form of impurity or alien. Hatred of the Orks has led the Sons to be severely Xenophobic, hating anything not human. Only the cleansing fire can rid the universe of the impure. The Sons see themselves and other Space Marines as the ultimate in purity. But some Chapters they find to be less then pure. Those that have fallen to Chaos are to be hunted and cleansed, and those whose geneseed has become tainted or warped are not above suspicion and to be watched closely. Duuuuude. I can just picture a real, old fashioned hyper-intense-staredown between these guys and my Red Lords. (A Raven Guard successor who are fanatical about purity - complete with slowly degrading RG geneseed) :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 25, 2010 Author Share Posted October 25, 2010 Thanks for the great C&C guys, give me a couple days and I'll make changes and responses. Ace, I never said we didn't like your chapter ... just that we don't really trust them. THEY MUST BE WATCHED! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 First let me say that I really do appreciate all the input I've received. I think the Sons is my best effort to date …. so I'm growing. Ace For clarification, those words were all spelled correctly. They might not have been the right words but they were spelled right. :) Nevertheless, I have made the changes. Octavulg I'll go down each section and hope I hit all your concerns. Opening Actually I've only recently started reading up on the Salamanders, and that was after all this was put to the screen. Any similarity is purely coincidental in nature. Founding Nothing noted, I'm happy on this one. Home World Pyron was and always shall be the home of the Sons. I believe I even said that no other world could replace it in the Sons opinion. Nevertheless, after the sacrifice the Sons are considered as crusading with on real home world. I'd like to keep this because Pyron plays such a big part in Sons history and beliefs. History I've made Pyron culture as a Matriarchal Society to better explain the part about the girls competing and overall feel of the world in general. The Training Cadre found on Pyron a population that had survived by hiding (very well) from invaders for centuries. For this reason the decision was made to work with the Pyronites as opposed to try, and likely fail, subjugating them. Even in a pragmatic group, individuals are gonna have ideas that don't necessarily correspond with the norm. Captain Herous' idea about the breeding program is just that. I even put in that, had it failed, it would have been no great loss. It was just a weird test that seemed to have worked out well for the Sons. As for the breeding program of the Sons. Although I find the idea of cloned Space Marines being grown in incubators aboard the ships of the fleet to be an outstanding idea (and may use it in another chapter later), the breeding program and the Daughters of Pyron are some of the most important parts of what it is to be a Son. It is the base of the whole idea, and loosing it would dismantle the entire IA. Moved the last bit I added to a new “Recruiting” section. You are right, the history should end as it did in the first draft. I'm glad you liked that part, I liked it a lot too. Beliefs Expanded belief opening. Added more about the Emperor and Purity. Deleted section on equality, it was unnecessary and had been added as filler to be honest. Added a bit about how duty doesn't allow for proper mourning, so just stay out of their way on that day. Organization From the fact that you liked how I had the Chapter split in history, I take it you had no real concerns about this section. Combat Doctrine, Gene Seed, and Battle Cry Again no concerns noted. Overall As stated in history, I really like your idea about the 'artificial' breeding program, but the Captain's idea is an integral part of the IA and I can't afford (nor do I really desire) to loose it. How did the Pyronites feel about the Emperor? Well I alluded in the history section that stories of the Emperor and the Imperium spread after the Sons arrived …. so I kinda was saying they'd had no real knowledge of either before that point. *************************************** I hope that answered everything. I made several changes based on the C&C and I think the chapter is coming along well. Any more C&C, it'd be much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Ace For clarification, those words were all spelled correctly. They might not have been the right words but they were spelled right. :P Nevertheless, I have made the changes. Yeah, good point. ;) My grammar-fu must be getting weak. I'd better go see the apothecaries again. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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