Octavulg Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 It seems to be pretty stock for the Unforgiven to not follow Codex structures. I orginally had them codex adherent but that didn't go down well, so I adjusted it to fit more with the DA/Unforgiven fluff. Actually, the DA are a Codex Chapter. They're just somewhat divergent. When you say not much here, do you mean the IA is short or that there's not much to discuss about it? I'm working on growing all of the sections and I want to incorporate some history into the IA and also develop the love/hate relationship with the DA further. I also really want to iron out the organisational kinks, especially regarding the recruitment process and 'Pride' squad structure as they strike me as a bit weak at the minute. Both. It's kinda short and what's there is, well, there. I'm honestly having a hard time figuring out what you're going to develop. You don't have all the bones yet, if you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WingsOfTheFalcon Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 Both. It's kinda short and what's there is, well, there. I'm honestly having a hard time figuring out what you're going to develop. You don't have all the bones yet, if you will. In what sense? If you explain to me how/where you think it needs development that helps me a lot more than just saying it needs development but you don't know where. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 Well, yes, but if I could figure out where it needed development I'd have already told you. It feels like you haven't told me all the basics of the Chapter. But I'm honestly having a hard time putting my finger on what you haven't told me that I expect to be told. At the core, you need to show us what you tell us - demonstrate the things you're telling us, or at least tell us how they're demonstrated within the Chapter. I'm just not sure if there's something else you should be telling us independent from that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WingsOfTheFalcon Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Tweaks to Beliefs.. feedback appreciated. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 ...and have frequently been sanctioned to assist the Ordos Hereticus.... I don't want to insult your intelligence but "sanctioned" is totally the wrong word - yes it can mean "to give approval of.." but that doesn't fit the context in my opinion. ...there is a longing resentment... :P ...seeing first had the great... Missing letter by any chance? :D ...they find in their faith.. Which "they" is "they"? There are many in the Imperium.. yes, I can infer what you mean but the reader shouldn't have to. In general you mix the past and present it seems in the beliefs section; going from past, present, past, present.. If you follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WingsOfTheFalcon Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 I don't want to insult your intelligence but "sanctioned" is totally the wrong word - yes it can mean "to give approval of.." but that doesn't fit the context in my opinion.No worries, I'm pretty thick skinned! ;) I guess I should probably use requisitioned, it doesn't have the same duality of meaning as sanctioned. :huh:Fair point, that doesn't even make sense and it's a bit superfluos. Missing letter by any chance? :PN ;) Which "they" is "they"? There are many in the Imperium.. yes, I can infer what you mean but the reader shouldn't have to.Fair enough, I'll spell it out. In general you mix the past and present it seems in the beliefs section; going from past, present, past, present.. If you follow.I've restructed the paragraphs so hopefully it should read a bit better now. Thanks again for the feedback! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NemFX Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I must admit, when I read the name of the chapter, I had imagined something quite different. Let's stop bogging this thread down with semantics, and let (him?) get on with making (his?) army! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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