IA - The Black Fists - WIP

[Hells Guardian]

"We are the Black Fists, as hands of Dorn we exterminate those that threaten the Imperium with Fist, Hammer and Flames. Leaving nothing but ashes in our wake."

Captain Oien - V Company - Master of Retribution

The Black Fists

Heraldry

http://i516.photobucket.com/albums/u328/DraconianBlade/Warhammer/cf642349-8609-43f1-921b-25224e797a74_zps0d773c2f.jpghttp://i516.photobucket.com/albums/u328/DraconianBlade/Warhammer/30620211-9a4d-4d10-9e0e-265a699ba591_zps12d43d2a.jpg
Chapter and V Company Symbol
http://i516.photobucket.com/albums/u328/DraconianBlade/Warhammer/c8aae416-8c33-4be3-aebf-218e978b817b_zps7134430f.jpg
V Company Marine
After the events of the Devouring, the Black Fists were left without both a name and their own heraldry. Instead the marines wore the heraldry of their Father Chapter the Excoriators. It was up to Paragon Brontios to decide the future of the Chapter. The Black Fists colour comes from the Ivory colour of the Excoriators, however after the intense battle for their Homeworld which turned the Planet to ashes the marines that managed to escape had been darkened and blackened by the ash of their Homeworld. This resulted in Brontios deciding on an armour colour to reflect the state of the Chapter after the events as a constant reminder of dark days that shaped his Chapter. The marine depicted is wearing a Black Cloth over his front, within the Black Fists this is to represent that said marine is one of the survivors from the Devouring.

Founding Chapter: The Excoriators (Imperial Fists)

Founding: 26th Founding

Chapter Master (Paragon): Brontios

Homeworld: Destroyed (originally Penthus)

Fortress-Monastery: Battle Barge Semreh

Colours: Black and Bone

Speciality: V Company - Tyrannic War Veterans - Deep Striking

Battle Cry: All shall become ashes

Origins

In the year 738.M41 the High Lords of Terra decreed that the Twenty Sixth Founding of Adeptus Astartes was to commence. From the gene-line of Primarch Rogal Dorn, the Adeptus Mechanicus selected the gene-seed of The Excoriators to form the Black Fists This new Chapter as well as numerous others founded during this period were made to bolster The Eastern Fringe against the rising Xeno threat mostly the recently founded Tau Empire and the ever increasing Ork hordes. However, what they did not know was what new threat would arise shortly after the Chapters Founding resulting in the near complete destruction of the Black Fists which is known today as The Devouring.

A selection of Excoriators (including Captain Pallas who became the first Chapter Master or Paragon) were sent to the Erebos System in order to establish a homeworld for the new Chapter. The Erebos System contained a mixture of Death Worlds, Dead Worlds, Feral Worlds and one singular Hive World named Penthus. Due to the large population and high number of suitable recruits namely from Hive Gangs, Penthus was chosen as the Chapters homeworld. The early years of the Black Fists was a time of prosperity, slowly but steadily increasing in size as the Chapter selected and trained suitable recruits from the entire Erebos System. However this short period of luster was to meet an untimely end.

The devastating events of The Devouring occurred only 7 years after the Chapters founding in the year 745.M41, so early in fact that the Chapter was barely over half strength and had not even been named or given their own heraldry and instead were being treated almost as an additional force of Excoriators and thus bore their heraldry and Chapter colours. Only 4 years after the Ultramarines made first contact with the Tyranids in the form of Hive Fleet Kraken, the Devouring saw the arrival of a Splinter Fleet known now as Dagia that would result in the complete loss of The Erebos System, including the Chapters Homeworld.

Erebos System - 738.M41 - Before the events of the Devouring

http://i516.photobucket.com/albums/u328/DraconianBlade/Warhammer/Erebos_zps9221829c.jpgThe Erebos system contains nine planets at the centre of the Erebos System rests the Star Theros, a massive overwhelming fire ball at least three times larger than any of the planets in the system.

1. Dead World Haestus, dwarfed by the near by star the entire surface of Haestus is made up of large seas of lava resulting in no life existing on the planet.

2. Menoetius, home to a massive Ork population, the exact number of Orks and Ork clans is unknown but their numbers dwarf that of any other planet in the surrounding systems. Because of this Menoetius was constantly monitored, incase any Warlord appeared to be amassing too much strength, as a WAAGH! could easily wipe out the entire system. Menoetius was also used primarily as a training planet, Scouts would conduct training exercises on the planet against Ork clans. However the Ork population was completely wiped out by the Devouring.

3. Moros is the third closest planet and similar in size to Menoetius, little is known about Moros, however it appears to be a Dead World, covered mostly in heavy fog which seems to block radar sweeps.

4. The fourth planet is Ethame, a very small Death World about a quarter the size of any other planet in the system, with a population of only a few hundred thousand the surface is one massive desert with many scattered and feuding tribes. Due to the orbit of Ethame the planet experiences incredibly hot summers and freezing winters resulting in a strong and determined population.

5. The fifth planet is Penthus, a large Hive World with an approximate population of 250 billion people. The population of Penthus are harsh, strong people and consist of many Hive Gangs the large population and strength of citizens made Penthus a very logical homeworld for the Chapter.

6. Residing next to Penthus is Keres, Keres is an Agri-World with a small population of around 30 thousand, the sole responsibility of Keres is to support the population of Penthus. Due to Keress location within the system it is perfect for crop development and due to Penthuss reliance on Keres, the population are supported well, thus resulting in hard working but easy living civilians making highly unsuitable recruits.

7. Alast is a Feudal World, similar in size to Keres, with a population of around one hundred thousand, the population recently discovered gun-powder, however they constantly fight amongst themselves which results in a disappointing level of development. However the constant feuding makes them a strong race and made a suitable recruitment source.

8. Oizys is a small Death World even smaller than Ethame, Oizys is covered in harsh jungles that despite the cold have managed to thrive. Oizys contains a vast amount of plant life that secrete poisonous fumes into the air, thus resulting in a thick purple smog around the planet. Oizys does not hold a human population due to the atmosphere however, the planet is rich in resources and animal life which has evolved to deal with the harsh environment.

9. Phonoi is a Feral World the last planet in the system and is the furthest away from Theros, because of this the planet is covered in snow and suffers from incredibly low temperatures all year round. The small population of approximately one hundred thousand people fight for all of their short lives merely to survive, thus resulting in a strong population.

Homeworld

Due to The Devouring, the Black Fists lost not only their original Homeworld Penthus but the entire Erebos System, in which they recruited from several different Planets and so now have resulted to being fleet-based.

The Chapter has two Battle Barges Semreh and Tisie. V Company the Black Fists Tyranid specialists are constantly on crusade and use Battle Barge Tisie to do so, thus leaving the remainder of the Chapter to use Semreh as its base of operations.

The Chapter still conducts much of its operations within the neighbouring Systems of Erebos, this is mostly due to V Company crusading against Tyranid threats that often arise within the Eastern Fringe.

The Chapter now conduct their recruitment from various Death Worlds that are located in neighbouring systems. They approach the settlements directly at regular intervals to take recruits, any young boy between the ages of 10-20 who wish to prove themselves and bring honour to their family or clan by becoming a legendary sky warrior participate. To evaluate potential recruits they hold a series of trials these comprise of tournaments and due to the Chapters heritage and the Imperial Fists obsession with conquering pain and penance pain challenges in which the recruit can prove themselves by withstanding varying levels pain.

Organisation

To counter-act the heavy losses the Chapter had to undergo re-organisation. This lead to the birth of V Company. V Company is the Chapters main battle company comprised completely of Tyrannic War Veterans. Whilst the rest of the Chapter follows the Codex Astartes.

Combat Doctrine

Apart from the exception of V Company the Black Fists follow the teachings of Guilliman. V Company is often participating in Crusades travelling to where ever the Tyranids attack. Due to the Black Fists history with the Tyranids the greatest honour for a member of V Company is to meet an honourable death at the claws of a Tyranid swarm. Because of this V Company fight brutally and launch furious drop pod assaults, crashing onto the battle field into the very centre of the swarm and then using Bolters, Flamers, Power Fists and Thunder Hammers as well as Land Raiders and fast moving Land Speeders burn and demolish their way through the Tyranid force.

Due to the crusade nature of V Company, they also have their own Tanks and Vehicles because to the amount of time they can spend away from the rest of the Chapter. Due to the Veteran style of the company they never field Scout units, they also do not field Assault Squads as they prefer to focus on fire power smashing wave after wave of Tyranids with Bolter fire.

The rest of the Black Fists stick to the Codex Astartes, none of the other Companies specialise against any particular opponent and when conducting campaigns Battle Companies will be selected as usual from a variety of support companies and Veteran Company in order to best deal with the threat.

Beliefs

For the honour of the Emperor, the Black Fists are willing to make any sacrifice.

Paragon Brontios - The Thunderer

The Black Fistss beliefs extend from that of their founding Chapter; The Excoriators and their father Chapter; The Imperial Fists.

The Black Fists practice Scrimshaw using bones from the hands of their dead, much like The Imperial Fists. One of the highest possible honours a Black Fist can be awarded is a Scrimshawed bone from Paragon Pallass severed hands, the individual bones of which are adorned with carvings, designs, and otherwise ornamented. 10 Scrimshawed bones from Pallass hands are used a badge of office for Company Captains. Each bone is carved to feature the symbol and mottos of the Company this then becomes the centre piece of the Captains armour and after their death Pallass bone is passed down to the next Captain.

Another badge of office for the Black Fists is that of a Power Fist, all Sergeants within the Chapter are awarded a Power Fist apart from that of Devastator Squads (due to their role as a supporting unit). For the Black Fists a Power Fist represents their heritage, it represents not only their link with Rogal Dorn and their founding Chapter but with a hero from their own history. Paragon Pallas the greatest warrior and leader in the short history of the Black Fists who sacrificed himself in order to save his battle brothers wielded two ancient master-crafter Power Fists.

Like other Successor Chapters The Black Fists have developed particular cultural practices which tend to their obsession with conquering pain and penance. They have a morbid fascination with pain and ritual scarring. Black Fists, possess their own unique Chapter traditions. The most notable of these is the "Sacrifice of Dorn" which is performed as a initiation ceremony when a marine is promoted to V Company. The ritual involves mortification of the flesh, in order to honour Paragon Pallas, they use a sacrificial blade made from one of the claws of the Hive Tyrant the killed him, the marine must firstly cut the symbol of V Company onto their chests. Then the marine will perform a ritual to which The Excoriators derive their name in which the initiation of new Chapter Masters in the Imperial Fist legion and the Primarch would both cut their palm and share blood in a warrior handshake. In the case of The Black Fists, the marine performs this ritual with the Captain of V Company and then to end the initiation ceremony the Chapter symbol is branded onto each hand.

V Company Organisation - Tyranid Specialists 995.M41

Due to the specialised nature of V Company they are currently over strength and will continue to select marines from other companies that prove themselves against Tyranids. They also have their own permanent selection of Vehicles.
----
Captain Oien - Master of Retribution
Chief Librarian Aegis
6 Tactical Squads
4 Devastator Squads
25 Space Marine Veterans (including Sternguard and Terminators)
1 Venerable Dreadnought - Geras
3 Dreadnoughts
4 Predators
2 Whirlwinds
2 Vindicators
2 Land Raiders
Battle Barge Tisie

Another sacred Chapter ritual brought to The Black Fists by The Excoriators is known as the Trial by the Blade the ritual used to settle the initial dispute over the history of the Chapter between Brontios and Oien. If an individual Battle-Brother has a personal grievance with a fellow Astartes or even one of his superiors, he has the right to demand to settle such a dispute through the solemn contest of a duel. As all Excoriators are equal in Dorns sight, victory goes to the warrior who draws first blood. However, as the Excoriators have passed on a focus on resilience, no matter how grievous the wounds taken by either opponent, first blood can only be drawn from the face, and the duel will not end until one of the contestants manages to strike his opponent's visage. Once a clear winner is decided, both Battle-Brothers will indicate their understanding and the matter is considered settled. Once the winner has been declared, the loser will ritually renounce his claim or the cause of the grievance that had initiated the Trial to formally end the duel, for the loser of the Trial, the Chapter will honour his scars as he now will honour his opponent with vindication.

The Black Fists are pious, zealous and uncompromising Astartes who have a deep and abiding faith in the Emperor of Mankind and their Primarch Rogal Dorn. This Chapter is known to perform small forms of religious observance in their daily tasks. When saluting a fellow Battle-Brother or before going into battle, an marine often recites the ritual prayer, Dextera Dornami, which loosely translates from the High Gothic as the "right hand of Dorn." Then they form a fist with their right gauntlet before touching their forehead with one knuckle, then their lips and then their breastplateone Astartes heart, then the other.

The Black Fists use the title Paragon instead of Chapter Master due to its meaning, literally meaning Shining Example the Black Fists not only view their Chapter Master as a leader but an example of what each one of them can accomplish.

Battle Cry

 

Paragon Brontios - The Thunderer

The Thunderer, A Shining Example, Paragon Brontios leads by example over coming all obstacles that halt his Chapters crusade. Famed for avenging former Paragon Pallas and securing the future of the Black Fists. When Brontios steps foot upon the battlefield the heavens themselves open and weep, washing away his enemies corpses. Armed with his dual ancient Power Fists passed down from Paragon Pallas and thus their founding Chapter. Each strike is delivered like a thunderbolt straight from the Emperor himself. He also possess two blessed Bolters mounted on each fist known only as Helios, its bullets shine down on the foes of mankind spreading the Emperors light across the galaxy.

All shall become ashes

The Black Fists main Battle Cry, used to remember their heritage and the loss of their Homeworld, but to also signify their pledge to vanquish the Tyranid threat turning them to ash like they did to their Homeworld.

Memento Mori - Remember the Dead

Used mostly during ceremonies and rituals as a way of remembering the heavy losses during the Devouring. Although it is often used within V Company.

Moirtui Non Dolent - The Dead Do Not Grieve

Often said alongside Memento Mori another slogan often used within V Company.

Post Tenebras Lux - After the Darkness, Comes Light

Used to remember the death of Paragon Pallas and the strength of Brontios, this is also featured on Brontioss personal banner and Land Raider.

 

Chief Librarian Aegis

The Shield, The Angel of Sight, Chief Librarian Aegis is both a powerful Librarian and warrior, he single handedly maintains the honour of his Chapters Librarius, after the tragic events of the Devouring left him as the Chapters only Librarian. Aegis is also part of V Company, he uses his psychic powers in order to tap in to the Tyranids Hive Mind so that he can best inform Oien on how to act. Aegis will often fight amongst the vanguard using his powers to protect some of the chapters most prestigious soldiers.

Aucto Splendore Resurgo - I Rise Again With Greater Splendour

Inscribed across the Chapters Dreadnoughts once they have received more honours during their service as a Dreadnought than they did during their service as a marine. Currently the only 4 to receive this honour are all joined to V Company.

Semper Paratus, Semper Fidelis - Always Ready, Always Faithful

Often said in response to an order, it is also the motto of all the Reserve Companies

The Devouring

 

The devastating events of The Devouring occurred only 7 years after the Chapters founding in the year 745.M41, so early in fact that the Chapter was barely over half strength and had not even been named or given their own heraldry and instead were being treated almost as an additional force of Excoriators and thus bore their heraldry and Chapter colours. Only 4 years after the Ultramarines made first contact with the Tyranids in the form of Hive Fleet Kraken, the Devouring saw the arrival of a Splinter Fleet known now as Dagia that would result in the complete loss of The Erebos System, including the Chapters Homeworld. 

 

The Arrival

 

The first attack was upon Phonoi, a snow covered Feral World located furthest away from Theros. Unfortunately at the time of invasion the Chapter only had one full battle company (5th Company). By the time the Company had arrived the Tyranids had been on Phonoi for over 30 days and were spreading over the surface of the planet at an ever increasing rate, washing away the small population with no resistance. The newly founded Chapter though lacking battle experience fought valiantly and over the first few days they were gaining ground, the snow of Phonoi melting under the fall of Tyranid blood. Though the Tyranids were actually still adapting to the cold of the planet, it was not long until the falling Tyranids were replaced with newly adapted xenos, which had developed a layer of blubber due to this they started to push forward, they were faster and more resilient. The 5th Company was starting to run low on ammunition and begun to take heavy losses causing them to fall back. Reinforcements would take far too long to arrive and they decided due to the lack of life on Phonoi to withdraw in order to better defend the rest of the Erebos System. This was fortunate as the rest of the Splinter Fleet arrived shortly afterwards and begun to devour Phonoi, whilst the remaining 5th Company now reduced to under half strength retreated in their Strike Cruiser to orbit Oizys the next logical target for the Splinter Fleet.

 

Captain Oien - V Company

Master of Retribution, The Eternal Avenger. Oien has been Captain of V Company ever since its founding after the Devouring, he was awarded the title due to his valiant actions not only during the last stand for Penthus but as a result of his determination to avenge the honoured dead.  As the Captain of V Company it is his responsibility to lead the crusade against The Tyranids. He leads his battle brothers into lines of Tyranids using Staeus his arm mounted heavy flamer to purge them with fire before cleaving them in half with Syl his master-crafted relic blade. Oien also wears a special suit of Artificer armour that contains elements from various monstrous Tyranid Beasts not only to signify his victories but they provide extra protection. As Captain it is his duty to never forget the Chapters heritage because of this he bears the name of every battle-brother lost during The Devouring upon his armour as he sets upon a crusade to honour those who have lived, fought and died before him.

 

The Loss of the 5th Company

 

Due to the minimal life upon Phonoi it did not take the Tyranids long to strip the planet of their biomass and they soon moved on to Oizys as was predicted. The Splinter Fleet was greeted by the 5th Companies Strike Cruiser, deciding to take the initiative they dived head in towards the Splinter Fleet, however they did not estimate that even more of the Splinter Fleet was arriving and they soon overran the 5th Companies Strike Cruiser forcing the remaining marines to flee to the jungle surface of Oizys. At this stage only a handful of marines remained, stranded in the dense forest they made a final stand determined to bring glory to their chapter before they took their places at the Emperors side. According to the final log report 15 marines managed to hold out for 5 days, using guerrilla tactics and the harsh jungle environment as cover, they were able to launch skirmishes striking the invading scout forces of Genestealers and Lictors. However, they were eventually over run as the Splinter Fleet launched a full assault on the planet, the Tyranid tide washed away the dense jungle with ease leaving the last few Marines exposed and immensely outnumbered. Fighting to the last man the last remnants of the 5th Company depleted all their ammunition into the on coming tides of xenos before leading an all out assault charging right into the heart of the swarm before eventually falling.

 

The Last Stand for Penthus

 

The Tyranid Splinter Fleet managed to devour not only Oizys, but Alast and Keres before they finally arrived at the Chapters Homeworld Penthus. The Chapters Cruisers were waiting in orbit above whilst upon the surface was the entire Chapter though due to the loss of 5th Company this only meant around 400 marines. When the Splinter Fleet arrived they hit hard both in space and on the surface. Hive World Penthus was turned into a planet side war zone, The Chapter thought hard but were still heavily outnumbered and were constantly pushed back further and further across Penthus until after weeks of fighting they were forced to make a final stand from their Fortress Monastery.

 

The Thunderer

 

The Chapter had no where to go, the Tyranids had surrounded the Fortress from all sides and the defences could only hold them back for so long. Eventually they broke into the Fortress pouring through the halls like an unstoppable wave. Paragon Pallas knew that if he did not act his their fortress would become their tomb. Pallas ordered what remained of the Chapter to retreat to the Teleportorium so that they could retreat to the Cruisers still fighting in orbit over Penthus. As the Chapter moved through the Monastery, Pallas would always be amongst the front lines, giving his battle-brothers time to retreat. Using his two Power Fists and mounted Bolters he single handedly fought and killed hundreds of swarming Gaunts, littering the corridors with their corpses he also smote numerous monstrous beats including several Carnifexes, however he eventually collided with a Hive Tyrant, though already wounded he delivered several crippling blows to the beast, he raised both of his almighty fists above his head about to execute the final blow, when the Tyrant swung its scything claws through the air cutting clean through both of Pallas hands in one sweep. His severed hands fell to the ground with an almighty thud before the beast plunged its claw into Pallass chest. For a split second it seemed as though the roar of bolters fell silent, The battle-brothers looked at the body of their Chapter Master laying at the foot of the beast, in that moment death seemed all but certain, until Brontios the Chapter Champion stormed forwards towards the Tyrant, smashing through the front line to deliver the all mighty finishing blow his Power Fist crashing into the beast, the sound of thunder echoed through out the Monasteries halls and the decapitated corpse of the Hive Tyrant fell to the ground.  

 

Overcome with grief it seemed as though the Chapter was to meet its end, however they rallied around Brontios and even managed to push the Tyranid force back enough so that they could recover Pallass body. The survivors managed to hold back the Tyranid force long enough for them to get to one of the Teleportorium rooms, from here they were able to teleport to one of the Battle Barges in orbit above Penthus.

 

Aftermath

 

Almost a year had passed since the Tyranid Fleet arrived in the Erebos System, 4 Planets had been consumed, the 5th Company Destroyed, the Chapter had lost over half of its already small force, including many of the original founding Excoriators, Paragon Pallas lost his life in service to the Emperor, Penthus had been reduced to ash, the population was destroyed and the once thriving Hive World was nothing but rubble left to be consumed by the Tyranids. 

 

The Devouring left the already small Chapter with only 250 survivors, no homeworld, no Paragon and what looked like no future. The Chapter still had options, the survivors escaped the Erebos System within Battle Barge Semreh which contained more than enough resources and weaponry for the few survivors, however the fate of The Chapter was still very much undecided. They had only a few choices, rebuild, disband or lead a head on assault to meet a glorious death. It was decided almost immediately that being disbanded was not an option, they agreed that this would ultimately forsake the memories of their brothers who fought and died as the un-named Chapter would leave very little trace upon the Imperial records. The Chapter was split, half the marines lead by Captain Oien wanted to lead a full on assault determined to kill as many of the brother killing xenos they could, whilst the other half lead by Chapter Champion Brontios felt the best way to exact vengeance was to rebuild the Chapter so that they could one day lead a successful campaign against the fleet that destroyed their Homeworld. Brontios and Oien participated in a Trail by the Blade a Excoriator ritual used to settle a dispute between two battle brothers and the winner would dictate the fate of the Chapter. Brontios and Oien fought bare handed for hours neither one capable to strike a winning blow to the face, until eventually Brontios was able to strike a winning blow against his superior. Oien accepted defeat with honour as is dictated in the rules of Trial by the Blade, and declared allegiance to the new Paragon. 

 

V Company

 

Paragon Brontioss first action was in honour of Oiens valiance, Brontios declared that a specialist Battle Company would be formed from the survivors whose sole objective was to eradicate the Tyranid race from any planet they encountered. Brontios awarded Oien the title of Captain of this Company and also the title of Master of Retribution. Almost immediately after this was decided every single battle-brother volunteered to join the new Company, amongst the volunteers 100 were selected to form the new Battle Company. In order to honour the Chapters former 5th Company that was completely wiped out during the Devouring the new Company was titled V Company.

 

Lead by Captain Oien, V Company are always the first to respond to any Tyranid threat in the neighbouring systems and in the 150 years since the events of the Devouring they have fought in countless campaigns and are known as highly experienced Tyranid Veterans. 

Edited August 23, 2013 by Hells Guardian

[Donkey Kong]

Welcome back to IA Creation, Guardian.

 

I really enjoyed reading about a Chapter that is deliberately young. If anything, it's different.

 

This first section you have is a little disappointing. Four sentences in and I don't really know what to think. Their name is meant to be a promise of glory, but the time of ending is less than three centuries away. I think I missed the bit about betrayal, and I think adversity summarizes their experiences well enough. There's a throwaway sentence about their flexibility, and then the last sentence that just throws me off. What does "strong use" mean? Why are they best known for their weapons of choice, and why aren't they better known for their own Tyrannic War Veterans or just relatively unknown? Who assigned symbolic meanings to these weapons and why?

 

No matter, it's a throwaway paragraph and I know what I need to know: They're a young Chapter descendent from the Imperial Fists.

 

I think you could probably just cram the important bits of your first paragraph into your origins section and be done with it. Right now they're both too shallow for my liking.

 

Homeworld

So they've got a system at their disposal, and they actively choose to limit their recruitment to the hive world? Really?

Then there's the whole back and forth with the chapter-world relations starting with close ties, and then the Golden Fists just see them as a population to draw their recruits from, but these families with sons who become marines are considered a part of the Chapter. I feel like I'm going in circles here, man. Both options are fine, but they're mutually exclusive, so pick one.

 

Then there's Pallas worrying about the world going soft on him. It's a giant city. How is there ever going to be a shortage of dregs and gangsters roughing it? And if that's the case, why not look at the death world next door with a little more interest than "minimal recruitment." Hell, throw some of your potential gangers onto the world and bolster the population. A few generations later, you're going to have more death worlders.

 

I respect you putting time into the sidebar, and I like the in universe pov. Your orki neighbors aren't helping. I don't think I caught anything more on them anywhere else in the article, so why are they there?

 

Just a last nagging bit: There are potential for six to eight habitable worlds in this system. Recruitment should have never been an issue. Penthus be damned, what's Pallas on about worlds going soft on him? He's got more options all around him.

 

The Affliction/ Organization

That name just makes me think of disease, and I had to read through this section a couple times to make sure I hadn't missed anything. Nitpicking aside, this entire section is just a prelude to you telling me that you have a tyrannic war veteran company. I'm sure you put plenty of time into it, but your stories would be better served as short stories, or, if you really want them in here, sidebars.

 

Shouldn't you be specifying that the new Fifth Company is made up of marines from the First, Third, and Seventh? You know, the veterans of the war with the Tyranids? No?

 

Why exactly is the Eighth Company different? They're assault reserve marines, shouldn't they be initiates in continuted training who have just graduated from the devastator reserve in the Ninth?

 

Beliefs

There are 27 bones in a human hand, so 54 for both hands. Most of those bones are small. This is much better given the 300 year timeline for your Chapter than the Imperial Fists carving the names into the bones of Dorn's preserved hands, but this tradition isn't going to last if these bones are becoming the center piece of every captain's armor.

 

Blood brother handshake paragraph feels like it's tacked on.

 

I'm pretty sure that the Black Rage is supposed to be a Blood Angels secret alongside the Red Thirst. The analogy is fine for your concept, but not your article. Pallas only had the remnants of three companies with him when he died, and nowhere near the genetic and probably psychic relationship Sanguinius had with his Blood Angels. I don't understand how this is supposed to work.

 

What's your definition of a full fledged marine for your initiation ceremony? There's the neophytes in the tenth who probably don't qualify. Then there's progressing through devastator and assault reserve, but your assault reserve is different, so I'm not sure how that's lining up. After that, there's the line companies, which would normally be two, three, four, and five, but your five is a second veteran company, so two, three, and four. After this point, the marines in question may later go on to to first or fifth veteran companies, so the scarring just seems goofy.

 

Then there's the "cutting off your hands" ceremony. I don't really have words for it. I had to read the Affliction again to get what you're trying to do. I get it, but it's still stupid. If they were Iron Hands successors, and this was the precursor to augmentation, I'd roll with it. I don't have anything positive to say about this.

 

Trial by the Blade, I don't have anything for or against. It's conceptually sound, but I don't have any indication over what your marines would be fighting about. So, this also feels tacked on.

 

You know, instead of comparing the ritual scarring to traitors, you could just compare them to the White Scars, right?

 

Marines covering their armor in little notes sounds cute, and I don't think that's what you were aiming for. It makes me think of a big cork board with little pictures and sticky notes with cute little hearts and phrases, "Campaigning on Menoetius, wish u were here XOXO."

 

Then the last two paragraphs just don't mesh. They're zealous, pious, perform rituals, have faith in Emperor and Gene-Father, and basically cross themselves before going into battle, but they don't like the Ecclesiarchy because...? If they were an older chapter that predated the Ecclesiarchy and saw the problems it caused, I could see it. As is, it doesn't line up for me, second founding parent chapter or no. The last sentence of the last paragraph also feels out of place.

 

Why is your Chief Librarian literally named shield? And why was his predecessor named for a Greek Goddess of witchcraft?

Why isn't Geras one of the Old Ones? Or is he one and did I just miss it?

 

Minus grammatical points spread throughout, I don't see much else to comment on. I'm not sure I understand the chapter's character. They're a little boring but I can't attribute it to you reusing themes or generic points for inspiration. They just seem to be defined by a single event that I didn't feel warranted the attention it was given in the Chapter.

 

I don't recommend that you ape the Scythes of the Emperor, but as you seem to want the Tyranid influence, I think you should look at a Chapter where that is the defining characteristic for inspiration.

Edited August 20, 2013 by KingHongKong

[Hells Guardian]

Hi KingHongKong!

 

First off thank you very very much! Thanks for reading and thanks even more for all your notes you have given me A LOT to think about and I will crack on with it all :)

 

If I could ask any more of you I would love you to look at my key points and give me your opinion/advice

 

Basically these are the things I want from my Chapter

 

- Young Chapter that suffered from a Tyranid Invasion early in founding

- The heavy losses lead to a major change to the Chapter to enact vengenge on Tyranids (V Company) 

- V Company fights using Power Fists, Drop Pod Assaults, Flamers and Thunder Hammers

- I Like Imperial Fists rituals of pain and loss and feel as though they will work well

- Imperial Fist Logo, links to founding, Power Fists and represents how the company fights by striking hard

- I imagine V Company to be a Company in Mourning (Bone Coloured Similar to Deathwing but with Black)
 

Things I am open about

 

- The Name, I am already thinking perhaps I should take a different route, maybe they had not been named yet before the events or changed there name, maybe they are The Mourning Fists? or something that represents the heavy loss

- The result of the Tyranid Attack, perhaps it would make more sense if the entire chapter was wiped out apart from a 100 or so survivors who formed V Company and now they have no homeworld and simply crusade fighting Tyranids? Maybe the Chapter no longer has a name and is purely known as V Company?

 

Thanks a lot :)

All the best

[Donkey Kong]

Gladly, Guardian.

 

In terms of a young chapter devastated by Tyranids, your timeline fits wonderfully.

26th Founding 738.M41

First Contact 741.M41

 

In addition to not having a name at the time, it's very possible that your Chapter isn't even at full strength. They could potentially lose the entire system to the Tyranid invasion. Being defined by the loss is fine, but I'm not sure what you want to do with it.

 

Getting knocked down to a company is compelling, but there has to be more to it than that. Are they rebuilding? Are they hobbling on their last legs? Enacting revenge is characterful and appropriate, but it needs to be clarified. What exactly are they doing? Keep in mind, at that point it wouldn't be hard to believe that a Chapter would be ready to keel over, second all of its numbers to the Deathwatch, or just go on one last campaign to do as much damage as possible. I don't think you'd get a good IA out of any of those ideas, mind.

 

I'm not a huge fan of the idea to be quite honest. Getting hit down to 300 marines or so is probably safer. They could even be forced to retreat and abandon the system. There could be a schism in beliefs between members of the Chapter and you'd have several parties vying for power in a way. I think it would be interesting to have some veiled insight into something like that and it would be even more compelling since they'd be numerically incapable of splitting like the Iron Hands and Sons of Medusa. It's a little Gaunt's Ghosts, but it could also work.

 

Your rituals of pain are fine, but are they attributed to parentage or the Chapter's own toils? It can very easily be both.

 

-V Company fights using...

-Imperial Fist Heraldry...

-Company in mourning...

 

These three points are fine conceptually, but they don't really go anywhere. The first point is fine for combat doctrine, but won't take up more than a paragraph. I should also add that dropping into a swam probably isn't the best idea.

 

Heraldry works, but it's also a matter of when it's adopted.

 

Your company in mourning thing I don't really get. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to be proud and defiant in the face of so much adversity?

 

You've given me a 6 point overview. Unfortunately I think only 3 or 4 of them carry weight to go anywhere. I'm sure that these are probably more of a "Here's what I definitely want" but I think you need to write out your potential ideas, what you think could work, how it could go. Just brainstorm away, it doesn't even matter much if your ideas conflict since it should just be a pool of your ideas written out.

 

My point still stands about giving The Scythes of the Emperor a read either or on this fan site. Just to clarify my point on getting hit down to 300 marines, The Scythes were hit down to a little over one hundred marines in 992.M41, with 7 years left to go until 40k effectively stops. For you, this is a character defining event, so it has to happen earlier, and you need to have the numbers and time to use it to its fullest.

[Hells Guardian]

Thanks again KingHongKong! And thanks for a very speedy reply plenty more to go on and will have a solid re-think and see where it all leads :)

 

All the best!

[Hells Guardian]

-Bump- Newly updated :) C&C all greatly appreciated :D

[Donkey Kong]

Hello again. I'm a little surprised these guys haven't been getting attention. I can see you've made quite a few changes, so I'll be tackling them section by section again.

 

Origins

No outstanding issues.

 

Homeworld

The last two paragraphs concerning new methods of recruitment following the loss of their home system warrant a lot more than what you currently have.

 

At the moment they appear to me as little more than a throwaway to justify the chapter's survival. If there are worlds, it needs to be more than that.

 

Organization

No points for guessing on the future focus of the section?

 

Combat Doctrine

I disagree with almost everything here in terms of efficiently engaging Tyranids.

 

Beliefs

Nothing particularly out of the ordinary.

 

Battle Cry

Most of these are not battle cries.

 

Now for more general stuff:

I never knew how to format one, but your heading information would look much better in a chart.

 

I think your heraldry would be better suited centered and larger. The paragraph beneath it doesn't have much that cannot be removed or incorporated into the origins section.

 

There is quite a bit of syntax that I disagree with. I would highly suggest combing through it again. For the time being, I'd rather not sound like a jerk and pick apart sentences. Guardian, feel free to PM me if you want me to comb through that aspect of the chapter.

[Veteran Sergeant]

"The Devouring" So much foreshadowing. New threat would arise! Oh my! What's that? Oh. Tyranids. Okay.

 

Don't get me wrong, you've put a lot of time and thought into your story behind the Devouring. And it's good stuff and it gives them character. But the way you set it up in the opening section makes it just "Being almost et by Tyranids" somewhat anticlimactic. I'd either be up front about it in the first part, or leave it out entirely, and just address it when it comes up. But trying to assign it mystery and suspense just makes it a bit of a letdown when the reader finds out it's "just" Tyranids. 

 

I also think 7 years from "Let there be a 26th Founding" to "Okay, these guys are half-done" seems pretty quick. It takes 8-10 years for a Marine to be created, given that the implantation starts between ages 8 and 10, and doesn't really finish until 17-18. And that's assuming you just throw them right into a line company at 18 when the Black Carapace goes in. A Chapter that was 7 years old would be green as heck. After all, there is also going to be the time taken to gather up all the recruits and such. It just seems like we're expecting a lot of otherwise unexpected efficiency on the part of the Imperium if they can plan, prepare, train, equip, and deploy even part of a Chapter in 7 years, lol.