Shattered Minds

[Dosjetka]

- Part I -

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After staring at his bloodied hands for what seemed like hours, the armoured giant collapsed onto his knees, the cracking of the concrete surface under his massive weight echoing throughout the ruins of the Imperial settlement. Encased in power armour that had lost much of its sea green colour over time, the giant looked nothing like the god of war he was created to be.

Gone were the days were he stood next to his brothers in battle advancing towards the enemy, boltguns barking their Emperor-sanctioned fury. Back then, he would feel his heart swell with pride as he saw the many soldiers under his command cut down with cold ruthlessness those who refused to submit themselves to the Pax Imperialis. Initially, all encountered worlds would be given the chance to peacefully surrender and join the ever-growing empire across the stars and many had accepted to heed the words of Terra. But many had also refused to give up their independence so easily. After all, had they not managed to survive on their own through the Age of Strife, cut off from any outside help and often besieged from all sides by hideous alien races and predators of the Warp? Had they not built their own fledgling empires with blood, sweat and tears from the ruins of other civilisations? And what did this new empire have to offer that they did not already have? Distant rule from an emperor that they had never met in person and the collection of tithes to feed uncounted billions on distant worlds were not rewards that many planetary rulers wanted to receive. What they had not expected was the strike that would follow their refusal to bend their knee. With the fighting power of the Astartes, compliance was always achieved, whether it was willing or not. It was with the blood of the Astartes that these worlds were brought into the fold, added to the growing list of planets under the rule of the Emperor. The Astartes lived and died to fight in the Emperor's great crusade across the stars to unite Mankind under one eternal banner. But it was also the Astartes who caused the destruction of the Emperor's dream.

Horus, the brightest and best of all the Primarchs, mighty generals of the Emperor, had been turned from the Emperor's light by dark forces, hidden serpents and his own blinding hubris. He had perceived malign intent within the Emperor's plans and took it upon himself to defy his father. However, this defiance turned into something far more tragic and destructive than anyone could have imagined in their most demented dreams.

Lifting his ashen face to the heavens above, the Astartes gazed into the stars that could be seen between the plumes of rising smoke.

I was created by the Emperor to be the ultimate warrior, I was placed among the company of warriors who would become blood-sworn brothers, I was armed with the ideal of a united species with an empire stretching across the entire breadth of the galaxy and I was led by the most gifted of all the Emperor's sons. And yet all this means nothing to me any more.

Inclining his head forward again, the giant gazed out into the skeletal structures of the old city. The city that he had helped destroy.

I am cursed with the features of my gene-father. I am cursed with the knowledge that I shall forever be recognised as being the son of the Primarch who failed his Legion and was slain at the height of his power. Everywhere I go, my so-called brothers use their serpent tongues to spew forth more words of mockery and spite and yet never possess the courage to openly reveal their corrosive speech when I confront them.

He could hear a distant rumble, barely audible even to his augmented senses. His 'brothers' were searching for him. He tried to rise onto his
feet but his legs refused to obey. Cursing, the giant used a collapsed wall to rise. After a few hesitant steps, not unlike the steps of a young child attempting to walk for the first time, the Astartes started looking for his weapon. He found the battered but functional boltgun among the ruins of what was a school. Slamming in a fresh clip and he clamped it onto his thigh plate. After a moment of pause, he observed the bodies of children that were strewn across the blasted floor, like the discarded dolls of some capricious god, their blood seeping through the cracks in the stone tiles. The very blood that covered his armoured gauntlets in dried up flecks.

The distant rumble had grown more audible then stopped. He could now make out the distinctive thump of armoured boots on the concrete surface outside. He was not in the slightest surprised by how quickly they had found him. The trail of carnage he had left in his wake was easily found and led straight to him. Turning away from the corpses, the giant slowly made his way out of the building to meet the newcomers, emerging just behind the pair of black-clad warriors. The nearest of the two snapped his boltgun up and briefly aimed, before relaxing and pointing his weapon to the ground.

"You should be more careful next time, Dagethon. Even a greenskin could walk up behind you and slit your throat."

Dagethon snarled under his helmet and turned to the second Astartes.

"We've found the bastard. Contact Sergeant Ygethddon and tell him that we can finally get off this wretched world."

The last thing Dagethon saw before dying was a Cthonian rune-etched combat blade firmly lodged in his throat, with Horus Aximand's blood-covered gauntlet firmly holding its grip.

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Well, that's the end of part I. Not sure when part II will be up but I enjoyed writing this and have a few ideas concerning where I want to take this, so it should be rather soon. Anyway, constructive criticism and feedback are much appreciated, so get to your keyboards!

[Olis]

I have a nitpick or two, brother. I feel that there's is something missing from that passage - the descriptions and details of Dagethon's surroundings are not as in depth as I would make them. It would have felt more immersive, imho, had I known more about his immediate surroundings, what condition they were in and what impact it had on him. That's not to say the descriptions you have written aren't working, they are - they set a scene of desolation - but it's like painting a picture. The finer the detail, the more captivating the work.

 

For example; what was the sky like? I know we could see stars, presumably making this scene set at night, but what of other details? What was the weather like? Cold? Clear and clement? Windy? We saw smoke drifting but what was it from? What did Dagethon know/think it was from? Also, we know the buildings around him are ruined, but we know little beyond that. Were they gutted by fire? Brought low by a tank driving through them? Scarred and broken by infantry assault? Is there more exotic signs of damage from particular weaponry? 

 

It's interesting to see conflicted feelings in this astartes, Dagethon, but the thought is wasted if he dies early. We know so little about him that there is no emotional investment in him. At the moment he just serves as an introduction to another character, which could have been done a little more economically. I assume we will now follow Horus Aximand, yes?

 

Apologies if this sounds harsh, brother. I hope this helps.

[Dosjetka]

Actually, the Astartes that we follow through the story is Horus Aximand and not Dagethon (he's the one who gets killed by Aximand, mainly because he showed him disrespect). I thought that it would be somewhat clear when he talks about how he is cursed with his Primarch's features (it is rumoured that both Abaddon and Horus Aximand are clones of Horus Lupercal), but I'll try and make it more clear in v1.1.

However, I thank you for your feedback and I will go back and add more to the story tomorrow

[Wulfkry]

*ahem .... Magazine not clip.... sorry... had to point that out...

[Olis]

I understand that the story revolves around Aximand - the main thrust to my point was that Dagethon needed sympathy (or more exposition) for Horus to come off as a cold-blooded scumbag. I think it was me (rather than you) that was being unclear - I've worded my post in such a way that it appears I think quite the opposite.