IA: Talons of Corax

[Chaplian Belphoron]

This is very not finished. I am going for a hash-ishiyun theme, This is my first IA

TALONS OF CORAX

 

GENE-SEED (PREDECESSOR): Raven Guard
FOUNDING: 3^rd
CHAPTER MASTER: Ṣalāḥ ad-Dīn Yūsuf ibn Ayyūb Abd Alamut, or  Ṣalāḥ ad-Dīn Abd Alamut
CHAPTER WORLD: Qaraj
FORTRESS MONASTERY: Alamut

MAIN COLOURS: Deep Purple, Burgundy, and Linen White
SPECIALITY: Stealth
MOTTO: “Fear the Silence”
CURRENT STRENGTH: 1030 Marines
KNOWN DESCENDANTS: None

“We do not yell to praise the emperor, we whisper”

                                                -Chapter Master Saifullah Waqar Ibn Deliverance Abd Alamut

 

ORIGINS

The Talons of Corax are a third founding chapter founded by at the request of the Raven Guard first company captain then known as Kevan Sorval who had a vision of Corvus Corax describing the potential of Qaraj, (a planet that Captian Sorval had recently conqured) and the true nature of silence. He petitioned the high lords to allow him to create his chapter. After much deliberation the high lords agreed, he selected a recently conquered world Qaraj for the chapter planet. He and all of his vanguard changed his name to a name reminiscent of the native peoples, Saifullah Waqar ibn Deliverance Abd Alamut, or Saifullah Abd Alamut is the name he chose. By his request the Mechanicium used the native peoples for the first recruits, known as Kharijites, these recruits

 

CHAPTER ORGANIZATION

 

CHAPTER PLANET

Hejaz, the Talons of Corax’s Chapter Planet is a Feudal World located in the Ultima Segmentum near the Maelstrom. Qaraj is slightly larger than Terra, and is mostly desert (a good portion  of which is mountainous) with two small oceans, and criss-crossed with rivers. On the banks of these rivers tropical swamps occur (not dissimilar from the Nile River valley). The last bit percent is distributed between the polar ice caps and steppe. Most of the Kharijite people are Desert Nomads

 

CHAPTER COLORS

 

Brother Aamir, Second Company, 122.M34

 

Captain Malik, Second Company, 009.M36

 

Initiate Abd-Allah, Tenth Company, 361.M34

 

 

Veteran Amin, First Company, 010.M37

PRESENT ACTIVITIES

 

BATTLE HONOURS

 

FLEET ASSETS

 

COMBAT DOCTRINE

 

LOCAL RITUALS AND BELIEFS

The religious beliefs of the Kharijites, and hence the Talons of Corax is remarkably close to the Imperial Creed, believing that the emperor is Allah, or God in their native language, and the primarchs are his prophets. The chapter cult is not dissimilar from this enabaling the Talons of Corax to have a fairly close relationship with the Ecclesiarchy, to mutual gain. This relationship also aids in their protection from inquisitorial censure, as they commonly chastise other imperial forces for the use of Extermanitus. In keeping with their Raven Guard roots they will fight to the last man to stop slavery and inequity.

 

GENE-SEED

 

CHAMPIONS OF THE CHAPTER

 

               - Above Ṣalāḥ ad-Dīn Yūsuf ibn Ayyūb Abd Alamut

[ImperialCitizen]

You got some potential with this one. Just it requires some more work to be put into it. I like the whole idea of the chapter and I'd like to see it expanded. Keep up the good work!

[TDF]

How do they square their hatred of slavery with the grim reality of the Imperium, which is that majority of citizens are indentured labourers slaving away for uncaring masters on hive worlds and forge worlds. The Imperium cares not for the welfare of its people as long as the tithes are met. Has the chapter ever attacked loyal worlds to liberate their workers? What were the consequences? Have they been chastised for their compassion by more pragmatic factions? Have they ever suffered heavy casualties by refusing the easy option of Exterminatus and instead taking the fight to the enemy face-to-face?

[Olis]

Greetings brother. I appreciate this is your first DIY so be aware that some of us might not pull our punches.

ORIGINS

The Talons of Corax are a third founding chapter founded by at the request of the Raven Guard first company captain then known as Kevan Sorval who had an idea pertaining to a stealth chapter’s origination. He petitioned the high lords to allow him to create his chapter. After much deliberation the high lords agreed, he selected a recently conquered world Qaraj for the chapter planet. He and all of his vanguard changed his name to a name reminiscent of the native peoples, Saifullah Waqar ibn Deliverance Abd Alamut is the name he chose. By his request the Mechanicium used the native peoples for the first recruits, known as Kharijites, these recruits

I think what would be useful to the IA is the reasoning why a Raven Guard captain sought to create his own chapter and why the High Lords actually agreed considering that, without good reasoning, it would sound horribly like a power grab. What exactly prompted the captain to this action? Visions? Circumstance? What would his chapter master say? Did he agree or disagree? Why did he agree/disagree? On what grounds did the High Lords assent to the use of precious resources in creating a Chapter specially for this captain? Could it be possible that he could be given stewardship over a Chapter that was being created anyway?

RECRUITMENT

Hejaz, the Talons of Corax’s Chapter Planet is a Feudal World located in the Ultima Segmentum near the Maelstrom. Qaraj is slightly larger than Terra, and is sixty five percent desert (ten percent of which is mountainous) with two small oceans, and criss-crossed with rivers, these taking up an additional fifteen percent. On the banks of these rivers tropical swamps occur (not dissimilar from the Nile River valley) this taking up an additional ten percent. The last ten percent is distributed between the polar ice caps and steppe. Most of the Kharijite people are Desert Nomads

This particular passage should be under the heading of 'HOMEWORLD' rather than 'RECRUITMENT' as you are speaking exclusively of the home world. I would also suggest entirely dropping the percentages thing and attempting to replace it with more descriptions, like what the people do in these areas or what they use them for. I remember doing a similar percentage thing for my first DIY attempt many, many moons ago and it simply does not do the planet any justice to speak of it in that way.

Hopefully, this critique will help you craft your DIY rather than put you off.

[Draakur]

Was basically thinking the same things Olis was, then scrolled down, and lo, in his mighty wisdom, he hath posted. So um... thanks for saving me the time, Olis :P

 

But yes - the reasoning needs to be sharpened up or expanded re: the founding. The High Lords won't just give out Chapters to whoever asks nicely, a more solid justification will be required here. Keep at it :)

[Preacher No'ki]

Looking like a good start so far.

I'd echo the comments already mentioned about the creation of the chapter. Requests from Captains, even first Captains, are unlikely to sway the Highlords. It might be easier to say that the Chapter was being founded anyway and Kevan Sorval was given the honour of becoming Chapter Master after a great victory, perhaps reclaiming Hejaz. This would then give him the chance to instil his ideas on the new chapter and shape it as he sees fit.

I'd also like to see how their approach, being more "humanitarian" has effected their relationships within the Imperium. After all we know the imperium is a harsh place, and I'm sure certain members of it wouldn't like these guys sticking their oar in. The Salmanders have generally got away with it because they're first founding.

Like has been said, some interesting ideas so far. Keep it up.

[Doctor Perils]

The premises here are quite interesting, though I haven't much else to say for the moment.

One thing though is that for many people the names that are used here aren't necessarily very easy to pronounce, because they are extremely long. Now while this is good to show a different kind of culture, it can make the article more difficult to read. I'd suggest you put some sorts of nicknames or shortened version in place? In canon examples, nobody says or writes "Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka", simply Gazkul Thraka.

There also seems to be an incoherence in the name of your homeworld : it's sometimes called Hejaz, and sometimes Qaraj.

Good luck, I'll be following your progress

[Jacques Corbin]

It's good so far. Maybe their homeworld is yet to be conquered/united rather than recently conquered. Raven Guard are humanitarians, and all about using their skills to end conflicts before they start. Maybe this captain hatched a plan to bring this world into the Imperial fold without devastating the planet's already scarce resources. That, however, would imply that there was a resource of singular value on this world, but a charismatic space marine captain could make the case that a space marine chapter trained in stealth and warfare in harsh desert conditions could be an invaluable resource in and of itself.

 

Always good to make the acquaintance of another Raven Guard player. I hope to see you post more on the RG boards.

 

Also, does your chapter have any specific enemies amongst the xenos and/or traitors? It's easy to imagine your chapter going after chaos cults of various kinds. Necrons would be a fluffy choice, with their ancient Egypt motif, and their modus operandi of emerging from subterranean tombs. Quelling Dark Eldar raids is a favorite theme of mine.

[Chaplian Belphoron]

The Talons of Corax are a third founding chapter founded by at the request of the Raven Guard first company captain then known as Kevan Sorval who had an idea pertaining to a stealth chapter’s origination. He petitioned the high lords to allow him to create his chapter. After much deliberation the high lords agreed, he selected a recently conquered world Qaraj for the chapter planet. 

 

is this better

[Olis]

The Talons of Corax are a third founding chapter founded by at the request of the Raven Guard first company captain then known as Kevan Sorval who had an idea pertaining to a stealth chapter’s origination. He petitioned the high lords to allow him to create his chapter. After much deliberation the high lords agreed, he selected a recently conquered world Qaraj for the chapter planet.

is this better

Um... nothing has changed.

[Chaplian Belphoron]

Check again i forgot to save my progress, oops.

[Olis]

To be honest, I still have the same reservations as before, described in post #4. The rewording of the first paragraph hasn't alleviated any of the concerns I put forward.