EVENT - The Schism of Mars

[Talonair]

Huh, yea that's something I was never told about

[Beren]

It was only mentioned twice I believe.

[simison]

Per your request, Beren:

• I am wary of giving an actual date in 40k. GW/FW seem to avoid hard dates like the plague. Yet, it is perhaps one of the strangest absences in 40k. Take Sanguinala, we know it's a day of celebration, but we've never been given a date. Not sure how we should handle this odd aspect of 40k.
• 18th Expeditionary Fleet, not 108th.

 

Those are the pinpoint issues I'm seeing. Switching to a general overview, I don't like the coverage of the Day of Revelation. There's too much emphasis on the three big battles of Book 1. Instead, I'd prefer that you took that section and diversified it, touch upon the other major battles that don't get enough spotlight. One thing that absolutely must be mentioned in that section is the Wardens of Light retreating to their homeworld. I'll try to get you a complete list of the major Legion engagments on the DoR before the end of today.

 

Now, I am going to write about this at the end of the Madrigal Purge, but this is something that you should also cover here. With the Madrigal Purge, Icarion gives up on winning the war in a few weeks. He instead shifts to a long-term view as he orders all Traitor Legions to rally to the Maelstrom Zone to begin creating a new, proper empire. As they travel to the Galactic Core, the Traitor Legions will conquer and establish outposts. But don't have them arrive at the Core yet, since this introduction only covers a few weeks between the DoR and the start of the Mechanicum Civil War. 

 

Another note is that this might be the place to say that Alexandros sends a call for Niklaas and his Legion to return to Terra. 

 

Also, remember to use section titles to break down the introduction into easier chunks. 

 

Now for the positive. I don't think you're lacking in the numbers department, of if you are, it's not really noticeable. I had this same view until I reread another section recently and discovered that FW doesn't use as many numbers as I thought they did. 

 

I love how in the last few paragraphs, you switched to a primarily Mechanicum view. 

 

I like how you've portrayed the Loyalists struggling to respond to the war since Alexandros is stuck trying to sift data and finding out who he can still rely on. 

 

Overall, this is an excellent foundation to build on, and I'm impressed how quickly you got all of this written. 

[simison]

And, by later today, how about now.

 

DoR Ambushes

• Halcyon Wardens versus Harbingers at Madrigal
• Grave Stalkers and Godslayers versus Iron Bears over Kataii
• Scions Hospitaliers versus the Drowned at Untara
• Eagle Warriors versus Wardens of Light
• Fire Keepers and Niklaas survive a precision assault and raid by the Warriors of Peace and the Jade General 
• Void Eagles escape an ambush by the Morning Stars and the Steel Legion
• Berserkers of Uran rampage against the Crimson Lions

 

And, tentatively, Warbringers versus Predators, while the Dune Serpents are allowed to fracture beneath their conflicting loyalties.

[Beren]

Thanks for the info and constructive criticism. I'll start working on the second draft. Should I re-do the minor edits in the original and post the entirely rewritten section on its own once it's done?

[simison]

Thanks for the info and constructive criticism. I'll start working on the second draft. Should I re-do the minor edits in the original and post the entirely rewritten section on its own once it's done?

 

Whatever you prefer. If you choose to just edit the original post entirely, make a new post letting us know its done.

[bluntblade]

I think we run the risk of hammering people over the head with the Day of Revelation. Might be better to start saying that while the DoR lives in infamy, another catastrophe quickly followed that was almost as ruinous: dun dun dun, Schism of Mars.

[Beren]

The Mars schism is just one aspect on the rebellion which kicked of on the DoR. It certainly screws humanity over in the long term, but in the short term it's just one disaster after a whole tonne of others. In cannon they were just able to quarantine the place after losing it. We could start of with the overstated DoR, then thread in subtle implications of just how much this affects the future throughout the campaign as a whole.

[bluntblade]

I'd honestly do the Day of Revelation in one sentence here.

[MikhalLeNoir]

I am none of the writers guild, but I totally like your text beren. As sim stated, it is a fantastic foundation.

[simison]

I'd honestly do the Day of Revelation in one sentence here.

 

Okay, that seems extreme. I know we're tired of hearing it, but it's still the biggest galactic event in-universe. And it only happened a few weeks earlier from the point of view from this mini-book.

[bluntblade]

 

 

I'd honestly do the Day of Revelation in one sentence here.

Okay, that seems extreme. I know we're tired of hearing it, but it's still the biggest galactic event in-universe. And it only happened a few weeks earlier from the point of view from this mini-book.

Isn't the reader going to be as well? We can do it more elegantly than just reiterate that it happened and was terribly damaging.

[Grifftofer]

Except that for most people reading the books the only contact they'll have with the event is the writing in Insurrection. Something that is looking to be in the region of 20-30 pages at most, they won't have the same 2 years of history with the subject that we all have :P

[bluntblade]

I guess

[Beren]

A few minor edits have been made. I'll post the re written section separately later.

[Beren]

This any better?

 

Above Madrigal itself the Halycon Wardens of the 18th expeditionary fleet were offered the choice of join, surrender, or die. Around one third of the Halycon Wardens would defect under the traitor Malis, yet the rest, lead by Pyrrhicles defied Icarion's expectations. After the bizarre dance of bluff, manouevre and passive aggression erupted into a firefight only a handful would escape. Yet it was enough to shatter the Stormlord's hopes for a short war. At Kataii, the combined forces of the Godslayers, Grave Stalkers and their Lasaris allies would fall upon the unsuspecting Iron Bears. Surprised, outnumbered, and caught in a situation ill suited to their nature, the legion was decimated. At the battles culmination the Primarch Dae'rrd would be laid low by two of his siblings. On the ocean world of Untarra the Drowned under Sorrowsworn Morro sought to claim dominion of the depths by slaughtering the Scions Hospitalier at a moment of vulnerability. For all the grievious damage done that day, Pionus Santor would survive it. The Primarch may have been scarred, but his part in the war was far from over. The task of negating the Wardens of Light would fall to the Eagle Warriors, perhaps the only legion whose treachery exceeded that of the Harbringers. Had they shown their true face upon that assault then the war might well have ended differently. For all his inherent nobility, Gwalchavad could not determine the righteous party nor the wronged one in the turmoil engulfing humanity. His legion would withdraw to their homeworld to witness our doom from without. Niklaas and his warriors would be subject to a precision raid originating from the ill-named Warriors of Peace. Both Primarch and Legion would shortly be recalled to Terra by the War master in order to bolster its defenses even as the traitors advanced elsewhere. Far away from any planet, the Void Eagles would once again prove their supremacy in the Void as they outmaneuvered both the Steel Legion and renegade Morningstar fleets sent to destroy them before withdrawing. The scattered Predators who had for so long engaged themselves in running down those who attempted to escape the Emperor's wrath would find themselves at the opposite ends of such actions as the Warbringers attempted to remove any threat they might pose to the rebellion. The Berserkers of Uran would be set upon the territories of the Crimson Lions, their onslaught of hate meeting a steel bound barrier of rage. Azus' Dune Serpents were nullified by no other legion than themselves, splitting into infighting factions of divided loyalties.

 

Recognising that Alexandros and the Halycon Wardens would not join him, and thus thwarting his ambitions for a brief conquest, Icarion began to plan for a campaign that would in all likelihood last years. His supporters were ordered to converge upon the Maelstrom Zone to lay the foundations of an empire designed to supplant the old. With the Iron Bears and Scions Hospitalier crippled, the Fire Keepers and Wardens of Light withdrawn, the armies of the traitor Primarchs began to carve a slow campaign of conquest that gradually grasped towards the galactic core.

[MikhalLeNoir]

Who are those infamous Warriors of Light? ^^

[Kelborn]

Azus' Dune Serpents. :)

 

Andezo = Predators

[Beren]

Got it.

[bluntblade]

One nitpick: you should say that the date itself is absent from ledgers. Because "The Day of Revelation" is the name.

[Beren]

Done.

[bluntblade]

Good man

[simison]

The new paragraph about Icarion adapting his plans doesn't fit in with the first sentence of 'Flame and Shadow'. 

 

That's the biggest thing remaining. There are a dozen or so potential nitpicks, but I'll wait and see what remains after you've done a round of cleaning.

[Beren]

Would shifting the paragraph to the end of Flame and Shadow change anything?

[simison]

I think it could work.