Index Astartes: Knights of the Aquila (89% Done!)

[Chaplian Belphoron]

CHAPTER NAME: .............. THE KNIGHTS OF THE AQUILA
FOUNDING: ..................6^TH [M33]
MOTTO: .....................HONOR THE DEAD - BLESS THE LIVING
BATTLE CRY: ................HONOR THE DEAD
CHAPRTER MASTER: ...........GRAND-MASTER HEINRICH DER PREUßISCHEN
CHAPTER WORLD: .............BERLEBURG
FORTRESS MONASTERY: ........SCHLOSS BERLEBURG
GENE-SEED (PREDECESSOR): ...THE BLOOD ANGELS [THE BLOOD DRINKERS]
KNOWN DESCENDANTS: .........NONE

“The Gods of the Traitors, are powerless against the Scions of The Angel, through Faith we shall be a bulwark against the storms of chaos, and we as knights and sons, will bring the fury of the Emperor upon the traitors and heretics alike, to cast them into everlasting oblivion."
-Grand-Master Heinrich der Preußischen, before the battle of Sachsen-

T

he Knights of the Aquila are a sixth founding chapter, fully devoted to the emperor and the purging of chaos. Their first Hochmeister was Malachi the Company Chaplain of The Third Company of the Blood Drinkers, who was assigned to train the Knights of the Aquila in the ways of battle. Malachi was uncharacteristically zealous in his reverence to the Emperor even more so than the other chaplains, to the point that the chapter was glad to get rid of him. He set about molding the chapter as a mirror of his Ideals; the Scions of Sanguinius must be masters of the jump pack, formidable swordsmen, unflinchingly loyal, and their minds must be devoted to the perfection of their craft. The formative years of the chapter were largely uneventful aside from being assigned Berleburg as a chapter planet. Once the newly formed chapter was combat ready it was thrown into combat against a small Ork Waaagh to attempt to prevent them from gaining a foothold in the Westfalen sector. Their campaign was executed with deadly efficiency, and their losses were relatively insubstantial when compared to the losses of their enemies.

The Knights of the Aquila have an intriguing lack of more modern Equipment, with older marks of Power Armor (specifically Mk.4) overrepresented. In addition, their First company prefers to fight in Power Armor As opposed to Tactical Dreadnaught Armor, as mobility is seen as paramount in the doctrine of their chapter. However, the first company does find the ability to teleport into a critical location useful, as such the Chapter still has a small stock of Terminator armor specifically for such scenarios.

T

he Knights of the Aquila are Specialist in a close range combined arms approach, with their Tactical Marines providing close range fire support for their Assault Marines, Vanguard Veterans, and their fallen brethren of the Death Company. Compared most of their fellow sons of Sanguinius they have a relatively low occurrence of the black rage, therefore their death companies tend to be small. Furthermore, their Red Thirst is satiated by the daily ritual of "The Sanguine Rite" in which they consume a small quantity of their brother's blood gathered by the Sanguinary Priest. This allows the Knights of the Aquila to maintain a more disciplined approach to warfare than their more savage cousins, however, in battle the Blood still calls to them, hence they maintain the Blood Angels practice of having the more experienced brothers serving in the devastator squads.

A perfect example of their Combat Doctrine is the battle of Schwartz Halfen, a manufactorium in the eastern Westfalen Sector. The Third Company, under Company-Master Wiesmann, was tasked with the re-taking of the first complex, along with the First Fallschirmjäger Regiment under Colonel Johann S. Böcker, and 212th Saxon Fusilier Regiment under Colonel Hans A. Eisenmenger. The Fallschrimjäger Deployed Ahead of the primary assault forces (the 212th Saxon Fusiliers and the Astartes), to provide a mobile screen and to prepare a Forward Base. Once the Foward Base was established, the 212th Saxon Fusiliers garrisoned the Foward Base and deployed their attached Heavy Artillery Battery (Seconded from the 356th Independent Artillery Regiment). Once the artillery was ranged in, the Third Company's tactical squads arrived by drop pod, deploying ahead of the base and began the assault. The first minutes saw the First Fallschrimjäger advancing on the outer defenses, with the Third Company’s Devastators providing fire support. Once within range of their boltguns, the Tactical Marines commenced firing on the enemy infantry. As this was occurring the 212. Saxon Fusiliers’ attached Artillery began the demolition of the defenses. Once a breach in the defenses was created, the Third Company’s assault marines and Death Company commenced a deep strike operation on top of the defenders, and the rest of the already deployed Astartes charged into combat, First Falschrimmjäger then retired from the main line and redeployed to another area of the greater battle, once the defenses were thoroughly cleared of resistance the 212. Saxon Fusiliers took over the responsibility of holding the position freeing the Third Company to continue to push the assault. (to be redone & replaced with a new example)

From this example, we can draw the following conclusions...(Input Requested)

T

he Knights of the Aquila are relatively strange amongst the Blood Angels successors by being relatively under control of their Red Thirst and Black Rage. The Knights of the Aquila maintain this is because of the discipline exhibited amongst the recruits from their recruiting worlds in the Westfalen subsector. Another explanation is that their chapter's tenents are far more strict in its definition of humanity, going as far to say Astartes ar not, in fact human, but instead, mutants that must repent for their failings, and serve the more pure strains of humanity, (ie, Non-psyker, non-mutant humans). However, their beliefs also do state that Experience is the greatest determination of skill. So they are willing to lead humans into battle, as their experience far outweighs any pure-strain mortal, but they will not even consider allowing their mortal comrades die so they might live. An unfortunate side effect of this is that the Knights of the Aquila are prone to losing colossal numbers of marines in battle, to save just a few more of the pure-strain humans.

The most common ritual practiced by the chapter is the triannual "Mass of Repentance" where the Astartes gather to repent for their mutation, by cutting themselves, then drinking the blood of their brothers. The next step is that a selected number of Chapter Serfs will have blood drawn which is then given to the marines as the Eucharist of Purity, who then drink a small portion of this blood. Fallowing this the marines take a vow of repentance stating: "With this, the essence of purity, my impure blood is shown to me, its coruption is bannished, its weakness purged, I pray to the Holy Emperor that I may protect his purest children, and purge his enemies, in the name of the God Emperor, Amen"

T

he Westfalen Sub-Sector sits within the Segmentum Ultima and is a military bastion, providing a basic level of security. Simply due to the population and size the local bureaucracy is overstressed and their government is primarily concerned with the military, so things such as infrastructure and civilian quality of life are in disastrous neglect, but there is a saying in the nearby sectors “there’s no enginseer like a Westfalen enginseer” and this is very true when repairs are made they’re of a quality that they look like it just rolled off of the production line. As a result of this Westfalen vehicles are kept in a better state than those of many other regiments, but a Westfalen-Pattern vehicle is normally heavier than its Mars-Pattern counterpart and hence is more likely to become stuck in rough terrain. this weight, however, has a useful aspect, as this weight allows for nigh-unprecedented levels of crew survivability.

The Armed Forces of Westfalen are divided into 3 distinct entities, the Heer, the Luftwaffe,and the Kriegsmarine.The overall commander is the Chancellor,then followed by the head of each branch: The Generalfeldmarschall of the Heer, Generalfeldmarschall of the Luftwaffe, the Großadmiral of the Kriegsmarine. Underneath them are the generals of the Sub-branches, which are then divided into divisions, then into regiments, etc. Of particular note is the Luftwaffe Fallschirmjäger who are roughly equivalent to Tempestus in training, as they are orphans of officers who are then sent to the “Sturm Akademie” roughly equivalent to the Schola Progenium. (more coming)

The Pacification of Elepsos [313.M34]

T

he planet of Elepsos was a minor Forgeworld in the far northeast of the Westfalen subsector. Its Techpriests were always seen as radicals by the Martian authorities, but up to this point, their eccentricities had been accommodated. This changed when the Elepsosian Techpriests decided to reject the omnissiah in favor of the "God of Iron" now believed to be a Greater Deamon of Tzeentch. this was unacceptable to the Westfalen Authorities, including the Knights of the Aquila, the Sector Grand Command Staff (consisting of the Chancellor of Westfalen, the Magos of the local loyal forgeworld (Ruhr), the Chiefs of Staff of the Army, Navy, and Airforce, and the Grand-Master of the Knights of the Aquila) was assembled.The Knights of the Aquila dedicated their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 6th, and 9th companies to the pacification of the now heretic forgeworld, in addition, they had the 313th, 28th, 17th, and 12th Westfalen Infantry Divisions, as well as the 13th Westfalen Carrier Group.

In the opening stages of the battle the Loyal forces easily overwhelmed the haphazard extra-planetary defenses, but once in orbit, they found stiffer resistance in the planetary defense macrocannons. However, these were dispatched when the 1st Company's Terminators teleported into the Macrocannon battery's Staff office and dispatched the main Astropathic Choir in charge of communication across the planet.

This campaign culminated in the Siege of Forge 389a, where the majority of the remaining Traitor forces were located. The battle went smoothly until the inner sanctum was breached and a large force of daemon engines were released upon the assaulting force. In the chaos of the battle the first Hochmeister, Malachi was slain in battle after destroying the manufactorum's primary Thermo-Plasma reactor, causing a chain reaction amongst the other reactors on the planet. however, this victory came at a cost, with many good Imperial soldiers died in the explosion. On that day the Bell of Lost Souls was rung 3000 times to remind all Imperial citizens, That Only in Death, Does Duty End.

The Seige of Westfalen [150.M42]

T

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Actual Narative Campaign Being played...(will update this as it progresses) Edited February 17, 2019 by Chaplian Belphoron

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The backstory looks promising. I also like the Chapter colors.

[Conti]

Hi,

let me offer you some c&c although it might come over a bit harsh:

The intro:
"are unflinchingly certain in our conviction to force the traitors and heretics into the prison of the Eye of Terror”
Odly specific and I am quite sure, Loyalists want the traitors to be killed instead of imprisoned.
Furthermore the Teutonic knights, of which your whole chapter is basicly a hardcopy were more fans of genocide
https://reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/39suaf/what_was_life_like_as_a_civilian_in_territory/

In addition, the Eye of Terror does not really works as prison (even less since 8th edition)
Also, to keep someone in prison, they should be near it (since you didn´t mention the Eye afterwards), I would advise to make a rough map were the Westfalen sector is located.
Also, why was the Chapter founded? The invassion in their Sector was after the creation. A founding is a process that takes decades.
"The Knights of the Aquila are a third founding chapter, fully devoted to the emperor and the purging of chaos. "
Also contradicts the imprisonment.

"against the Prodigal Sons to attempt to prevent them from gaining a foothold in the Westfalen sector. Their campaign was executed with deadly efficiency, and their losses were minimal."
I would change this. Firstly, you go against a warband compromised of some of the most powerful chaos sorcerers in existence and lead by one of the most important characters in the lore (Ahriman).
Furthermore you claim to be better at planning and campaigning against a warband that raids eldar at regular basis and has most likely excellent intelligence in all their campaigns(through cults/prophecies, etc.)
This is very much Mary Sue territory.

"Of note the chapter does not posses any Terminator Armour; but an excess of Artificer Armour; and more Mark IV power armour than anything other mark of power armour."
Why? What explanation could there be, that a 3th founding chapter that is not fleed based/ on crusade has no terminator-armor?

Tactics:
Can´t see anything to unusual/noteworthy. Seems to be pretty close to codex astartes. (Although I might be wrong here)

Example-battle:
"Fallschirmjäger" what are these? local guard-regiment/PDF
They have not much purpose other to intensify the german/wehrmacht-vibe.
Any guard-regiment would serve the purpose to show "Using this as an example we see that the Knights of the Aquila integrate well with Astra Militarum forces".

"Favoring a focus on discipline over raw zeal."
Note quite sure how this works with
"the Company Chaplain of The Third Company of the Imperial Fists, who was assigned to train the Knights of the Aquila in the ways of battle.
Johann was uncharastically zealous in his reverence to the Emperor even more so than the other chaplains to the point that the chapter was glad to get rid of him."

To your notable campaign:
The religion of the mechanicus is nothing someone outside knows much about(maybe with exception) of the inquisition.
"Westfalen Authorites" and who would that be?
"Oberkommando Herres" consists of which imperial institutions?
Furthermore, the notion, that (from what i could gather from the article) a handfull of PDF/Navy-Forces and 3 companies (+ scouts) can besiege and conquer a forge world is not really plausible.
   -> "The battle went smoothly" see above

"Hochmeister Johann Schmidt, was slain after detonating the primary Plasma reactor an destroying the remaining foes."
One could argue, that this would have also killed all loyalists.

Organization:

"and select recruits by screening the recruits,and conscripts of local guard regiments."
Recruits can´t be used from other imperial organizations. Also, you can only recruit to a certain age.

"This practice allows the Knights to have relatively experienced recruits even before they begin training them in the ways of astartes warfare."
This is not noteworthy, since all SpaceMarine-recruits are experienced. This is because they come from deathworlds or underhives. Also IG.recruits are most likely unexperienced.

"Each company is led by a Großgebietiger, who all answer to the Hochmeister."
To whom should they answer, if not to the chaptermaster?

"Halbbruder"
"Diendebruder"
"Ritterbruder"
"Großgebietiger"
"Hochmeister"

These Ranks are not codex-conform and there is no reason/argument why these ranks should exist other than to say "Hey, we are teutonic knights"


Conclusion:
Currently, your chapter are Black Templars with theme multiplied times 10 and without any flaws.

Theme: Hardcopy of the Teutonic Order without own ideas

For further example "Hochmeister Heinrich der Preußischen, before the battle of Sachsen"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_Henry_of_Prussia_%281726%E2%80%931802%29

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinrich_Reu%C3%9F_von_Plauen

 

Also, in the seconed founding, all extremist subjects of the Legion where incorporated into the Black Templar, therefore it would be unlikely that there would be an equally fanatic chapter only one founding later, that are also sons of dorn.

 

In terms to Ritterbruder Gerhart: A combat-shield on a flying unit could be a slight problem.

Also who is Gerhart?

 

I would advise you look at following sources:

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/65520-the-ultimate-diy-chapter-creation-thread/

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Space_Marine_Chapter_Creation_Tables

 

P.S. Let me guess: You are german (like me) from the Westfalen-Region?

Edited May 9, 2017 by Conti

[Chaplian Belphoron]

Danke Canti, your critique is not harsh in fact it is exactly what I was looking for. I have made significant updates.

 

P.S. I'm an American of German decent

[Conti]

Here goes the next round. (wall of text)

 

“The Gods of the Traitors, are powerless against the Scions of Sanguinius, through Faith we shall be a bulwark against the storms of chaos,
and we the Knights of the Aquila are unflinchingly certain in our conviction to force the traitors and heretics into their own personal hell”
My old statement still stands. Can you imagine a zealot saying in an heroic speech "...into their own personal hell..." ? It sounds a bit like a salesperson.
Maybe change the second part (after "storm of chaos") to something like "and we as knights and sons, will bring the fury of the angel upon the traitors and heretics alike, to cast them into everlasting oblivion."

Something more inspiring.

"Their first Hochmeister was Johann Schmidt the Company Chaplain of The Third Company of the Flesh Tearers, "
Some things to consider:
1. Flesh Tearer will not have any successors, due to the fact, that they have the heavy genetic flaws.
2. 3th founding was in 001.M32, therefore you have about 8000 years to fill with history
3. Blood Angel-Successors don´t have names that are german origins. That would only be lore-friendly for Marines, that are recruited from their homeworld. So basicly every marine, with the exception of the first Chapter master.
4. You have to consider/implement the Death Company, which every BA-successor has

"the Scions of Sanguinius must be masters of the jump-pack, formidable swordsmen, and unflinchingly loyal, with a heart of Adamantium. "
Fitting for BA-Successors

"Once the newly formed chapter was combat ready it was thrown into combat against a small Ork Waaagh
to attempt to prevent them from gaining a foothold in the Westfalen sector. Their campaign was executed with deadly efficiency, and their losses were minimal."
Definitly an improvement from the first version.

"Of note the chapter does not posses any Terminator Armour; but an excess of Artificer Armour; and more Mark IV power armour than anything other mark of power armour. (more coming)"
More coming means an explanation for the non-existence of Terminator-armor?
(As a little help; you could say, that the chapter prefers mobility over the protection, that terminator-armor offers.)


"The Knights of the Aquila conduct battle in a two phase approach first engaging in disciplined long range bolter fire while advancing at a swift pace supported by tanks and dreadnoughts.
As they close into short range, they further speed up their advance. Once within melee range they charge, and decimate their foes in close combat."
Not quite fitting, to an Assault-Focused army. Maybe consider it to something like "surpressing fire by specialised squads of veterans and chapter-serfs and heavy usage of rapid assault to slaughter the unprepared enemy"
"Likewise, the Blood Angels chapter assigns only older and more experienced Marines to the Devastator Squads, since most Blood Angels have a marked preference for close quarters battle."
    -> lexicanum about the BA, which organisation is mostly identical in their successors.
Also, Bolters are not really long-range weaponry.

"A perfect example of their Combat Doctrine is the battle of Schwartz Halfen, a manufactorium in the eastern Westfalen Sector. The 3rd company, under Firmenmeister Wiesmann was tasked with the re-taking of the first complex, along with the 1. Fallschirmjäger Regiment under Oberst Johann S. Böcker. The Fallschrimjäger Deployed Ahead of the Astartes on Vulture Gunships, to provide a mobile screen and to prepare a Forward Operating Base. Shortly thereafter the 3rd company arrived by drop pod, deploying ahead of the FOB and began the assault.
The first minutes saw the 1. Fallschrimjäger advancing on the outer defences, with the 3rd’s Devastators providing fire support. Once within boltgun range, the Tactical Marines commenced
firing on the enemy infantry. As this was occurring the 1. Falschrimmjäger’s attached airborne heavy weapons began the demolition of the defences. Once a breach in the defences the 3rd’s assault marines
deep struck on top of the defenders, and the rest of the closed into combat."
I dont really understand why you are taking such an emphasis on this guard-regiment, since they are only mentioned once. Or are you planning to integrate them more?
I would suggest to skip this example and let the overall doctrine to be a bit more vague.
    
"Using this as an example we see that the Knights of the Aquila integrate well with Astra Militarum forces, and are both capable in both Ranged and Melee engagements. Favoring a to temper their Zeal with Discipline
to become more than just Blood Crazed Berserkers."
Does not really fit with successors of Flesh Tearers (and only limited with Blood Angels as a whole).
The Flesh tearer are known, due to the gene flaws, to slaughter enemies and allies alike. Most BA-successors tend to avoid the company of allies.




"and a tithe of 2 divisions (each comprising between 3 and 4 Brigade, each comprising of 3 to 4 Regiments) per decade."
1. 40k-definition: 3-4 companies (about 300 Soldiers each) will be 1 Regiment(not brigade)(maybe 1500); If I round this numbers, i come to about 12.000 Soldiers, that are tithed every 10 years.
2. Definition from our world "10.000 to 30.000 soldiers" even then, it would be only 120.000 soldiers at maximum for a whole sektor (The size of a sector varies according to local demands and stellar density, but are usually equivalent to a cube with sides 200 light years long.).
For comparison, the world Krieg (although it is one extreme example) is supplying over fifty million men per year.
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Death_Korps_of_Krieg
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Tithe_Grade
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/c/cd/12th_Tallarn_LIC.jpg
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Imperial_Guard_Company

"The Bundesrepublik Westfalen is a remarkable sector simply because of its self-sufficiency, and pseudo-independence.
This goes all the way back to the great crusade when the sector signed a treaty with the newly formed Imperium for acknowledging the imperium as their superiors"
Afaik is the only indipendent faction in the Imperium the Adeptus mechanicus.

"In exchange, they would be able to sustain their own military, system of government, and some basic sovereignty. After the interment of the Emperor upon the golden throne, the Bundesrepublik Westfalen Chancellor
(and his successors) was given a permanent rank of Lord General Militant in the Adeptus Minitorum, and local control of the Westfalen Sector in the Segementum Obscurus near the Maelstrom. They were involved in the clean-up
 following several of the black crusades, complete annihilation of several Chaos warbands, clearing of a Space Hulk, and the repulsion of multiple Chaos incursions. The Westfalen sector is full of habitable, industrial,
 militarily focused worlds enabling a wide array of tactics to be cultivated within the sector. In addition to all of the Militarum units produced by Bundesrepublik Westfalen, the Knights of the Aquila chapter of space
 marines makes their home in the sector, specifically on a feudal world ruled by the order. (The Order’s activities and details will be discussed in a different Index: Astartes)."
If they have indipendent military, why should the HighLords gift them a SM chapter?
Also I am quite sure, that the Great Crusade did not except anything else than total submission
 
"Bundesrepublik Westfalen is a close friend of the Inquisition, specifically the Ordo Xenos, and the Death Watch."
And who did they managed to achieve this?


“there’s no enginseer like a Westfalen enginseer”  and this is very true when repairs are made they’re of a quality that they look like it just rolled off of the production line, and a Westfalen vehicle never breaks down, but a Westfalen-Pattern vehicle is normally heavier
than its Mars-Pattern counterpart and hence is more likely to bog down, although this extra weight also adds considerable force to tank-shocks and rams. "

Enginseers are Adeptus mechanicus

 

"The Bundesrepublik Westfalen sits within the Segmentum Obscurus and is the “Ultramar of Obscurus,” due to the sheer size  of Westfalen, but this size has a cost: their bureaucracy is over-stressed and their government is primarily
concerned with the military so things such as infrastructure and civilian quality of life are in disastrous neglect"

The Bundesrepublik Westfalen has an electoral system, and a parliament.
 Elected by free elections, these members of parliament chose a Chancellor for life, or until resignation. The Chancellor has absolute power within the sector, and usually is a serving officer when chosen."

Overall, this whole segment reeks of "special snowflake"; I would recommend to tone it done massivly;
Size it about 2-3 Starsystems; Macrage is more or less unique in the imperium (keep in mind, it was declared imperium secundus during the heresy)

"The Knights of the Aquila recruit from the whole of their native sector (Westfalen), and select recruits by screening the recruits,and conscripts of local guard regiments. This practice allows the Knights to have relatively experienced recruits even before they begin training them in the ways of astartes warfare. They start at the rank of Einleiten (Initiate), and once they gain the honor of being clad in power armour they gain the rank of Bruder(Brother), and upon ascension to the first company they gain the distinction of being Ritterbruder (Knight-Brother. Each company is led by a Firmenmeister (Company Master), who all answer to the Hochmeister (Grand Master)."
See my former comment about this section

"The Pacification of Elepsos [313.M32]
The planet of Elepsos was a minor Forgeworld in the far northeast of the Westfalen subsector. Its Techpriests were always seen as radicals by the Martian authorities, but up to this point their eccentricities had been accomadated.
This changed when the Elepsosian Techpriests decided to reject the omnissiah in favor of the "God of Iron" now believed to be a Greater Deamon of Tzeentch.
this was unacceptable to the Westfalen Authorites, including the Knights of the Aquila, the Oberkommando Herres was assembled and the Knights of the Aquila dedicated their 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 10th companies to the pacification of the now heretic forgeworld.
This campaign culminated in the Siege of Kassus Forge, where the majority of the remaining Traitor forces were located. The battle went smoothly, until the inner sanctum was breached and a large force of deamon engines were realesed upon the assaulting force.
In the chaos of the battle the Hochmeister Johann Schmidt, was slain after detonating the primary Plasma reactor an destroying the remaining foes."
See my former comment about this section

“The Gods of the Traitors, are powerless against the Sons of Dorn, through Faith we shall be a bulwark against the storms of chaos,
and we the Knights of the Aquila are unflinchingly certain in our conviction to force the traitors and heretics into the prison of the Eye of Terror”
-Hochmeister Heinrich der Preußischen, before the battle of Sachsen-
 Muss mit dem neuen Satz angeglichen werden.

Conclusion:
While you improved the Chapter in it self, I would give them some flaws.

Also who come the ranks to the chapter? I suggest to orientate a bit more towards the black templar.
Same goes for Westfalen (which definitly is on the mary-sue-trip that the chapter suffered)
 

Edited May 10, 2017 by Conti

[Badass_Spaz]

Besides that fine gent Conti's critique's and advice, I might suggest branching out a tad more from strictly being knight-based. Yea, sounds a little ass backwards considering you're theme here but hear me out. How about looking more into medieval warfare and tactics and using that for a touch of inspiration? You could also dabble a touch into the renascence era, sprinkle from Chelalier in there... Though that might not be very German, would it.
 

I must depart, my good man, for other internet non-sense beckons me!

I bid you ado. Hehe

[Halandaar]

To me, these feel more akin to the Black Templars than to the Blood Angels they are successors to. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to strike a better balance between the two. A BA successor with almost no BA traits doesn't feel right.

 

Recruitment wise, Astartes implantation begins at ~10 years of age. "Recruits and conscripts of local guard regiments" will be way too old by that point, so this needs revisiting.

 

To be honest as well, the whole thing just feels a little bit like, "look how German this all is!". I get it, it's cool (and I lived a few years in Westfalen myself as a kid), but I think having so many different Germanic elements is overdoing it. Remember that High and Low Gothic are the official languages of the Imperium, and although planets may well have their own dialects or even languages, they typically don't translate into Astartes rank titles. 

 

I think for sure you can have Burgomeisters in Planetary government and Fallschirmjager among your Burleburg PDF, but i think to avoid overdoing it, stick with Codex-approved ranks for your Astartes (or at the very most, non-Codex ranks that already have precedent, like "Company Master" or "Marshall"). For me, this also gives more emphasis to the actual names of your characters, which absolutely would be rooted in the conventions of the world they were recruited from.

[Kelborn]

To me, these feel more akin to the Black Templars than to the Blood Angels they are successors to. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to strike a better balance between the two. A BA successor with almost no BA traits doesn't feel right.

 

Recruitment wise, Astartes implantation begins at ~10 years of age. "Recruits and conscripts of local guard regiments" will be way too old by that point, so this needs revisiting.

 

To be honest as well, the whole thing just feels a little bit like, "look how German this all is!". I get it, it's cool (and I lived a few years in Westfalen myself as a kid), but I think having so many different Germanic elements is overdoing it. Remember that High and Low Gothic are the official languages of the Imperium, and although planets may well have their own dialects or even languages, they typically don't translate into Astartes rank titles. 

 

I think for sure you can have Burgomeisters in Planetary government and Fallschirmjager among your Burleburg PDF, but i think to avoid overdoing it, stick with Codex-approved ranks for your Astartes (or at the very most, non-Codex ranks that already have precedent, like "Company Master" or "Marshall"). For me, this also gives more emphasis to the actual names of your characters, which absolutely would be rooted in the conventions of the world they were recruited from.

 

Hey brother,

 

after reading your IA article, I had the same thoughts Halandaar had.

 

I'd suggest making them of Black Templar or Imperial Fists origin. The Imperial Fists always had that knightly theme and some european influences. Would fit your chapter way more than a Blood Angel heritage. The Black Rage / Red Thirst don't seem to fit you chapter, either. Especially if they are descending from the Blood Drinkers, who themselves have to undergo a weekly ritual in order to deal with the Red Thirst.

If you want to give them a dark secret, you can also make use of the Dark Angels. Very knight-ish as well.

 

And I agree with Halandaar: You're overusing German names and phrases. Don't get me wrong. I'm german as well and I'm living in Nord-Rhein-Westfalen but I would recommend you to limit this. Too many german ranks and the likes. Use the normal english terms like Highlord or Swordbrother and then you can say that they are using their low gothic dialect of their homeworld within their ranks, for example Hochmeister.

 

And avoid writing entire sentences in german like you did with their battelcry and motto. Not all on this board are fluent in german and could misunderstand these words, especially Wehren and Führen.

 

Besides this, your article is a good and solid basis to work upon. Clear, historical, honorable Knights. Who doesn't love them? ^^

[Conti]

@Halandaar, @Kelborn

 

since you agree (more or less) with my critique, here some notion:

In the first Version, these were 3th founding from the fists. My problem with this was, that they were more or less identical to the Black Templars (can those even have successors?).

 

Maybe a member of the Unforgiven would be more fitting for the whole knight-setting?

[Kelborn]

Wait...now I'm a bit confused.

 

This article belongs to Chaplain Belphoron, right? I though that you're just giving constructive feedback to him, which is more than fine.

 

With your latest post, it looks to me like you've undertook them. Can you clarify this to me?

 

To answer your question:

 

The BTs do have successor. The Red & White Templars are assumed to be successor of the Black Templars. So, yeah, it's possible.

 

Making them a member of the Unforgiven would allow you / him / whoever ^^ to keep their secretive character and a possible "dark secret" by hunting the Fallen.

[Conti]

@Kelborn

Yes, this Chapter does not belong to me.

 

"With your latest post, it looks to me like you've undertook them. Can you clarify this to me?"

The first version of this chapter, that Chaplain Belphoron wrote, stated them as 3th founding successors from the ImperialFists.

I  stated, that, in my opinion, it was unfitting towards the lore (should be in my first post on this thread, irc).

 

"The BTs do have successor. The Red & White Templars are assumed to be successor of the Black Templars. So, yeah, it's possible."

Do you have a link by any chance? Never heard of them.

[Kelborn]

Currently at work, so I can't copy + paste links, sorry.

 

Just have a look via google. White Templars and Red Templars have their own lexicanum and warhammerwiki articles.

 

Not that much is known about them. :)

[Chaplian Belphoron]

With Eighth coming out My progress may slow slightly. but I plan on doing my best to continue updating this, all of your thoughts are being taken into consideration.

[Chaplian Belphoron]

Work Has Resumed in earnest! Expect updates frequently!

[Tarvek Val]

I have started reading it, it looks excellent thus far and I cannot wait to see new progress. Welcome back!

[Chaplian Belphoron]

I'm a bit stuck as for some things, as noted I could use some input, be brutally honest

danke

[Archivist Thaddeus Kryptem]

I really like what you have done so far, and I personally enjoy the fact that they're son's on Sanguinius despite behaving like a typical Scion's of Dorn. I think if you wish to add credence or justification to their behaviour being different to your typical BA successor it might be worth exploring their home culture in a little more detail and how it impacted upon them over the millennia creating the cultural gulf between themselves and their brothers.

 

One other thing to watch out for...

 

 

“The Gods of the Traitors, are powerless against the Scions of Sigismund, through Faith we shall be a bulwark against the storms of chaos, and we as knights and sons, will bring the fury of the Emperor upon the traitors and heretics alike, to cast them into everlasting oblivion."

-Grand-Master Heinrich der Preußischen, before the battle of Sachsen-

 

 

One thing that I did notice is that your opening quote still reads Sigismund rather than Sanguinius 

[Chaplian Belphoron]

Merde, I thought I fixed that

[Tarvek Val]

I would love to hear your thoughts on the "Chapter Cult and Rituals" section. Are you going to portray the Chapter as mostly angelic and noble, like the Blood Angels, with a few quirks thrown in? Will they have a noble veneer but suffer severely from the Thirst and the Black Rage, like the Blood Drinkers? Will they be more savage and warlike, as are the Flesh Tearers? Maybe try to come up with your own ritual that's a unique spin-off of those of the BA and successor Chapters; maybe something like a Blood Duel, where the champions of the Chapter duel one another in another of the ancient sparring sessions between Azkaellon and Amit?

 

It looks very good so far!