IA: The White Hawks (LASC 19) Version 1.1

[Trokair]

The reason why I mentioned the Space Wolf was because a lot of what you mentioned made me think of 3^rd edition Space Wolfe mini codex, before they where wolfed up with wolf this and wolf that with wolf guns that shoot wolf stuff and toped up with an extra helping of wolves. ;)

 

So yes a shared underlying cultural inspiration rather than the theme to an extreme.

[Ace Debonair]

Let the Hawks Fly!

I've updated the first post again, making a few changes to help it all flow a little better.
 

The article as a whole is now maybe an astonishing 3% less wordy.

 

C&C more than welcome, if anyone has the patience to scroll through sixteen billion words or however many I've trimmed it down to now.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Well..... DRATS ...... there's nothing here to critique  Looks very fine Brother Ace. I'm looking forward to more adventures from this most brash and excellent chapter..... and perhaps some proper heraldry (HOORAY found something to critique).

 

Let the Hawks Fly

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

My lord Ace, you are always one for a lot of ideas, all at once!

 

I read one of your works and then discovered that this too was one of yours! How many ideas do you have?

 

Anyway, I quite like these guys. Though, you couldn't resist the Skyrim reference could you? 

 

The Inquisitors pressing the issue maintained that doing so would 'decisively protect Imperial interests in the area', and thus satisfy the Chapter's reason for creation. Grudgingly, the White Hawks deferred to the Inquisitors' demands, feeling it was pointless to argue.

 

 

This is something I don't quite like. How weak, uncompetitive, prideless and opinionless are these Astartes? Astartes are hyper-masculine in terms of their traits, aggression, dominance and competitiveness and this line just seems to make them appear, well, weak.

 

They should argue, they should put their best foot forward, they should make their beliefs and opinions known regardless of the outcome. They're top tier independent operators in a galaxy spanning empire in constant crisis, if they don't say what they believe and back it up, what good are they?

 

Tying it back to their character, I get the distinct impression their wolf-like self-aggrandizement belies an inherent insecurity within the chapter, which is fantastic. However, it doesn't gel with the above line. It sounds like they're arguing with their wives, not managing the war-resources that could destroy worlds or tip the balance of sector spanning conflicts in whatever theater they wish to deploy in.

[Ace Debonair]

My lord Ace, you are always one for a lot of ideas, all at once!

But of course!

This, however, is one of the Big Two of my ideas.

I'm pretty heavily invested in making the Hawks work. Hopefully, so far so good.

 

 

I read one of your works and then discovered that this too was one of yours! How many ideas do you have?

 

Anyway, I quite like these guys. Though, you couldn't resist the Skyrim reference could you? 

Too many ideas, most of them terrible.

 

No man of culture could resist a little reference to Skyrim.

And nor could I!  

 

 

The Inquisitors pressing the issue maintained that doing so would 'decisively protect Imperial interests in the area', and thus satisfy the Chapter's reason for creation. Grudgingly, the White Hawks deferred to the Inquisitors' demands, feeling it was pointless to argue.

 

This is something I don't quite like. How weak, uncompetitive, prideless and opinionless are these Astartes? Astartes are hyper-masculine in terms of their traits, aggression, dominance and competitiveness and this line just seems to make them appear, well, weak.

 

They should argue, they should put their best foot forward, they should make their beliefs and opinions known regardless of the outcome. They're top tier independent operators in a galaxy spanning empire in constant crisis, if they don't say what they believe and back it up, what good are they?

 

Tying it back to their character, I get the distinct impression their wolf-like self-aggrandizement belies an inherent insecurity within the chapter, which is fantastic. However, it doesn't gel with the above line. It sounds like they're arguing with their wives, not managing the war-resources that could destroy worlds or tip the balance of sector spanning conflicts in whatever theater they wish to deploy in.

 

...Could you accept it as me not wanting to write six thousand words about why my Space Marines are in the area of space that I want them in?

 

Pre-Talhon, the White Hawks aren't quite the same unflinchingly proud and argumentative bunch they eventually become.

 

I suppose the easiest fix would be to have the Hawks happily agree to go along with the whole 'Silver Circle' thing in the full and certain knowledge that regardless of the Inquisition's decree they intend to carry on exactly as they are, save for maybe appointing a few token forces here and there to give the feeling of a fixed presence...

 

...And then finding Talhon changes their plans.

 

Sound better?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

 

 

Sound better?

 

 

Yes. 

 

Er, maybe a bit blunt of me. I think that solves the issue for me at least.

 

 

You are most certainly a man of culture Ace. Too many cultures, all at once, most frequently seen on the Liber! 

Funnily enough while most references pull me out of an IA, this amused me instead. Good job, I think?

[Ace Debonair]

Updated!

 

… A really small update, making the logic of the White Hawks a bit more transparent vis-à-vis being assigned a homeworld.

 

I think I changed only two sentences, in fact.

 

But then, I suppose a lack of broad, sweeping changes means I'm actually closer to completing an article to my satisfaction.

Soooo…. progress?