calgar101 Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 Thank you Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2455333 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Yeah, good, but a few errors here and there, for example you put compromised when referring to what the fleet contained, but it should comprised instead :) Also, don't forget; prior to the Heresy, the DG were most renowned for their unstoppable ability in battle; I'm asumiing that you want all Legions to return to their PH state, but with their flaws ironed out. And as for the Ullanor Thing, I meant it in relation that you're 'returning' to Terra, therefore likening you to the Emperor. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2457115 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Share Posted July 8, 2010 Gaah silly spelling errors i will go and seek and destroy them now! I mean correct. Yup the DG and IH are similar in that respect and i will(hopefully) show that. Currently reading and thoroughly enjoying A Thousan Sons, will update soon. Thanks Skirax! :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2457154 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 9, 2010 Author Share Posted July 9, 2010 Removed by me:P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2457913 Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 "ere we go "ere we go "ere we go! :sick: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2457921 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 9, 2010 Author Share Posted July 9, 2010 Haha :sick: Although is that a good or bad thing? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2457925 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 it's very good, though your eagerness in posting shines through in some places, pup :) Just give it a thorough check and you'll see your mistakes. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2458068 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 I agree about the eagerness... you jump around with the scen tempo in a mad way. You don't give time the reader to get into the mindset... for example, you describe naval and planetary combat... and suddenly, terminators boarding... Obviously, that is just a personal impression! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460269 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 Mmm i do see your point but aren't Terminator teleport boarding parties supposed to get there quick? I think i should go over that chapter. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460286 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Its not an issue of physical speed, but of scale and situation. For example, if I start talking about a sport event (say a World Cup ;)) and how many people are attending, and how the teams have had a hard struggle to get to the game and... of he goes and scores a goal and Spain wins the cup. You're probably thinking... how the heck did we go from describing the enviroment to the detailed action straight away? Note: Sorry for the analogy but as you can guess, this is the only topic today here :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460300 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 My eagerness to write a chapter after a huge break got the better of me :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460347 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 Edited it again:) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460671 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Much better... big scale - medium scale - preparing local scale :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460679 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 Thank you Tan! I will ease you lot in to the fight/action scenes at a slower pace :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2460695 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 Over a dozen ships appeared where moments before there was just empty space. Incandescent energies raged against the ships hulls, the bolt gun surface reflecting the light of the Warp. For moments the raging turmoil that is the Sea of Souls and host of other names threatened to spill into real space, trying to use the rare opportunity where both realms co-exist. The lead ship of the flotilla dwarfed all others, the Terminus Est was surrounded by ‘smaller’ cruisers and battle barges; even as the fleet moved towards the system more frigate class ships began to translate into space their hulls coloured a navy blue, the Aquila easily visible too. “Lord Admiral a large fleet has entered space on the rim of the system” “Who does the fleet belong to? What class of ships?” a man barked back, he wore a long grey over coat with several medals pinned to it, his aged face showing no expression. “The fleet is from the Death Guard Legion Sir. At its head is the Capital ship of Mortarion himself”- the Navy Officer spoke the Primarchs name with awe and fear- “The Terminus Est. The rest of the fleet is composed up of a dozen or so Battleships of various design, 3 battle barges, 32 Cruisers and 64 frigates” the Officer finished listing off the ship designs. “Order battle fleet Tertian’s Fist to intercept and engage them now and have battle fleet Wrath of Tertian to stay out of scanner range on the other side of the planet” commanded the Admiral. “Have all orbital and ground installations to fire once within range, we will destroy these traitors”. “Commander Calas a fleet approaches and our scanners have picked up another fleets movement, what are your orders?” A huge Astarte turned to face the console, his horned helm giving him a menacing appearance, “Why they seem to be taking on a loose battle formation eludes me… Have you hailed them and used the proper codes?” Calas’ voice was like gravel and exuded power and authority. “What are your issues Commander? Shall we inform your Lord Primarch?” the Navy officer asked. “Mortarion is not to be disturbed, I will deal with this. Signal to the fleet to prepare for combat, seek to cripple them fast and show no mercy” Calas grimly ordered. Calas looked out of the viewing screen; a lance of bright coloured energy with the power to level a city silently hit the shields of the battle barge Reaper's Scythe. He then witnessed the Battle barge open fire, unleashing a deadly salvo from its weapons; the result was an explosion that briefly lit up the dark of space. Calas smiled; he would enjoy this. “First Captain what is going on?” a voice like thunder demanded. “My Primarch, we are under attack. As soon as we began to enter the system their fleet came to intercept us and adopted a loose battle formation and another fleet has attempted to hide from our scanners. The Reaper's Scythe has made the first kill” Calas calmly explained. “I thought this world had been brought under compliance?” growled Mortarion. “It was listed as such but evidently not my Lord” the First Captain replied. “I can see that” snapped Mortarion, “Very well prepare boarding parties; this system will be brought to heel.” “As you command Sire” Calas replied. From the viewing screen the battle good be seen, the Battle Barges Reaper’s Scythe and Stalwart could be seen advancing upon the Imperial fleet. Two of their ships were already space debris and a third was crippled. Lance shots from the Endurance and Spectre of Death raked the Imperial cruisers; spectacular explosions erupted across their hulls. Ancient shields flared into life as return salvos were fired, their firepower not enough to collapse them. Warning klaxons rang out across the entire fleet their red lights flashing. Crew ran about in panic as their ships were blown apart one by one. “Stand fast worms! Do not falter in the face of this threat! The Emperor commands!” the Commissar raised his bolt pistol and fired; the bolt round soared through the air and a panicking crew member dropped dead, his head now a bloody stump. Tension filled the air, the mayhem stopped and as one the crew turned towards the Commissar. “To your stations men!” he ordered his voice instilling fear in each and every one of them. An ominous silence fell across the bridge as the crew obeyed the Commissars command. The Captains dead body lay slumped against the command terminal; two bolt rounds having made a bloody mess of his chest. “If we are to die in the Emperors name we will bring down as many of this traitorous scum with us! Tech Priest Gurath set a course for their fleet, all guns blazing. For the Emperor!” Screamed the Commissar zealously. Many of the crew made the sign of the Aquila and whispered a prayer to the Emperor. “Captain Ravrn why are you breaking ranks? You’ll expose our flank!” snapped a low voice over the comms. “I’m afraid Ravrn’s faith was found to be wanting. I have now taken command of this ship and you would do well to follow my lead Admiral” the Commissar spat with venom. “Commissar Theros I might have known, this is neither the time nor place for your personal vendetta. I have a navy battle to win and you would better serve the Emperor to follow my commands” replied the Admiral angrily. “You do not command me Admiral, only the God-Emperor may command my blade. This battle is lost and only a fool would declare other wise, I will ensure that these faithful servants of our Lord die in the fires of battle and join his side!” The viewing screen was lit up for a few seconds as another cruiser was reduced to debris, its warp-engines going critical. The smell of ozone filled the bridge and the air got heavier and became saturated with the warp. Terror flooded the bridge as the realization of what was about to happen hit them. Las pistols were drawn from their leather holsters and Theros levelled his bolt pistol at the ball of green lightning. Eldritch energies played about the Command Bridge as the air was split by the power of the warp. There was ’flash’ and momentarily the warp and real space were one, as the warp energies subsided seven figures appeared where before there was floor space. Seven Death Guard Terminators quickly took in their surroundings, noticing the many raised weapons, already the layout of the Bridge was logged in their superhuman memories, the number of doors and their location made a note of and the capabilities of the force that was arrayed before them. “So you come to die before the might of the His glorious Navy is it traitors?” Theros spat, his bolt pistol trained on Typhon. A low chuckle came from the Death Guard First Captain as he pointed his Man Reaper at the Commissar. “You dare insult us? We are Astartes, Warriors of the Emperor! Loyal Sons of the Great Mortarion and you dare call us traitors?” snarled the Captain. The Commissars arm jerked upwards as the bolt pistol’s clip was emptied into Calas; his armour proof against the weapon. The return fire was brutal; hundreds of bolt rounds raked the Bridge, in a devastating hail of rounds monitors, data banks and bodies were shredded. Sparks and flames leapt from the damaged equipment and bloodied bodies lay strewn across the floor. Scorch marks from dozens of las weapons covered the armour of the Death Guard Space Marines and the floors and wall. A large door slid open, steam hissing as it did so. Several Navy Marines ran through their las guns firing, their shots harmlessly bouncing off the Terminator Armour. The four doors each had a Terminator near them with the two largest doors having two; Calas stood at a undamaged control panel, his storm bolter lay next to is as he altered the ships course and enacted the self-destruct sequence. “Brothers, assume pattern circa” Typhon commanded. Without hesitation the Death Guard began to back away from the doors, laying down fire as they did so until they stood around Calas. “Tech priest Fertus, this is First Captain Calas, requesting immediate teleportation back to the Terminus”. Here is the final edit of the chapter, made slightly longer and some action. I hope you enjoy it, please comment if you read. hank you! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2462494 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nacho Wolf Posted July 15, 2010 Share Posted July 15, 2010 Cheers for the update, love it Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2463076 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Share Posted July 15, 2010 Thank you got the comment. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2463307 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 15, 2010 Share Posted July 15, 2010 Yeah, i read it this morning and thought it was awesome, but had to go school so couldn't read :P Ah well, beautiful as always. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2463510 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Share Posted July 16, 2010 Thanks Skirax, im trying not to rush it but action will follow soon. Im inspired to write a nother chapter about some thing else since seeing a picture in the Tau codex. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2464210 Share on other sites More sharing options...
chapter master miles Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Calgar this is turning into a really great story, you are to be applauded, in fact i was so busy reading this that i didnt finish my english essay. so go and finish this to make the detention worth it lest i be forced to do somthing really unpleasent involving KWKkaqwqvi(ERROR-58338)ineiiuFs Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2468275 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 why thank you Milese. I am working on the next chapter and trying to make it good. Im sorry for detention -_- Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2468450 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Wow, 721 posts. Congrats. We'll throw a party for you when you reach 1000! ;) ;) I'll start brewing the ale *Retrieves gallons of ale-stuffs* Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2468480 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 Thank you very much Skiax and all the rest! None of this would be worth it without you guys! Ale, where? Ahwooo! :P As a reward is a small teaser muwahaha! The ‘Octavius’ was a like a blue spear tip through the void of space, its massive size however was nothing compared to the star that illuminated it. The insignia that decorated the mighty Battle Barge showed that it belonged to the Ultramarines Legion. Several smaller vessels surrounded the Octavius, the strike cruisers escorting the warship. In the distance silhouetted against a distant planet were seven ships, the biggest of which was only marginally larger than a Strike Cruiser. They had responded to the message afterall. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2468572 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I like it, but some sentences seem a bit cllipped (Unless these are, themselves, only snippits of lines?) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2469030 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nacho Wolf Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 So, if we get more every time we offer ale... Bring in the keg! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/29/#findComment-2469032 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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