IA: The Rainbow Warriors Version 2.0 More bloodthirsty!

[Aqui]

++Welcome Inquisitor++

++Accessing logs on Legio Spectra, aka, the Rainbow Warriors++

++Access denied. Access Denied. Access...++

++Access...denied. Access...gran..ted++

++Data display on screen or audio log?++

++Accessing...++

++Data follows...++

The Rainbow Warriors, aka Legio Spectra

"Our world was in danger. Evil beset us from all sides. Creatures that came from the darkest places in our hearts wished to enslave us, and would have done so, were it not for the Gods who walk the sky. They arrived in a flash of every colour possible to see, their holy weapons banished the darkness and for the first time in memory, we were free..."

- An account of the Chapters' arrival on Pochutec verbally passed down the generations.

Pochutec, official Imperial designation, Prism102Alpha is a harsh world made of four continents. The main continent, Tawantinsuyu is a mixture of arid desert, wet lowlands and jungle. It houses the main portion of the worlds' population of around twenty to forty million people. Two of the other continents are virtually inhabitable, save for the Chapter's Fortress Monastery, Fortress of Light situated at the northern pole and a training station at the southern pole. The remaining land mass at the equator consisting of a string of islands populated by various fishing tribes.

The natives are a brutal, bloodthirsty people. Centuries of oppression from a Xenos race, has left them with a pragmatic, but callous mindset. They despise weakness, choosing to leave any who are unable to contribute to the tribes' survival out in the wilderness. Their year is marked by many rituals that were used to beseech the Inti for help to rid themselves of the alien oppressor. Whilst it has been many years since the menace was driven off, the rituals are still performed to ensure that the Inti is kept pleased.

The Inti is the primitive interpretation of the God-Emperor of Mankind. When contact was re-established by the Imperium, Inquisitors deemed the deviation acceptable, indeed, the final report stated that the devotion of the Emperor as a Sun God by the natives was more devout than that of most Imperial Shrine worlds. It has been noted that many of the rituals deemed necessary by the Pochutecans are extremely bloodthirsty. Ritual sacrifice, crucifixion and torture feature heavily, something that has been kept under observation by covert individuals. The Chapter has not found out about the investigation. Yet.

With such a savage populace to recruit from, the Chapter is just as ruthless, more so due to the indoctrination methods. Whilst devout to both the Emperor of Mankind and their Father, Roboute Guilliman, their adherence to the holy Codex is not as unshakable as that of other successors. The Rainbow Warriors favour close combat heavily, but have no doubt of the value of heavy weaponry.


The arrival

The Chapter was originally a crusading force, born of the Second Founding to retake areas of Ultima Segmentum from Xenos races that had taken advantage of the Heresy to expand their empires. Scouting parties had reported that a group of planets had been taken by Orks. Upon the full forces' arrival, the Chapter deployed to the largest planet, named Prism102Alpha. It had been surrounded by Roks of vast size, so much so that the planet was in a permanent night, the multicoloured nebula that the planetary system was named after obscured. Destroying the Roks was the first plan of action for the Chapter, but much of the devastation fell planet side, the Orks ships becoming large meteors that left vast craters in the lands below. The natives took this to be a sign that the Inti was displeased and had taken to hours prayer, the sacrifices given more and more bloody. After the Roks had been taken care of, the Nebula far above could be seen for the first time in hundreds of years. The sight of the Chapters' Thunderhawks in conjunction with this left the natives in no doubt that the sky warriors were from the Inti and a rebellion began to rid themselves of the green menace. Thousands died in the initial attacks, but the resolve to be free was unshakable. The Orks did not retreat from the blue armoured Marines and were destroyed. The task of ridding the planet of the Xenos took many months, the natives adamant that they should be involved. Whilst the Pochutecans could not effectively repel their oppressors as their posthuman allies, the Marines noted that their singlemindedness, dedication and above all, their savagery. Upon liberation of the world, the Legio Spectra claimed it for their own. One of the Chapters fleet ships had crashed near the northern pole and after much modification, was made suitable as the Fortress Monastery.

[Aqui]

Welcome to the Rainbow Warriors IA 2.0. The information in the first post are just initial thoughts before being added to much more.

Comments etc welcome!

[Commissar Molotov]

Hello, Aquilanus. I caught your Space Hulk thread where you mentioned that you had plans to revitalise your fluff for the Chapter. Reading the thread, I found some interesting ideas, but I do think you need to put some work in to smooth them out and make the work more internally coherent.

Firstly, I really like the name "Legio Spectra" as a High Gothic alternative for the Rainbow Warriors. Much like the Carcharadons, it really helps to ground your Chapter. I've often thought that Chapters would have multiple names attached to them, so I think it works very well.

 

Throughout your work, I get the feeling that you need to break up what you're saying into smaller sentences. This'll help make the work more understandable to readers by allowing them to process their thoughts. However, I don't think this is the stage where you need to worry about grammatical nitpicking. Instead, you need to focus on the greater concepts. I will point out a few errors that impede understanding, however.

 

 

Pochutec, official Imperial designation, Prism102Alpha is a harsh world made of four continents. The main continent, Tawantinsuyu is a mixture of arid desert, wet lowlands and jungle. It houses the main portion of the worlds' population of around twenty to forty million people. Two of the other continents are virtually inhabitable, save for the Chapter's Fortress Monastery, Fortress of Light situated at the northern pole and a training station at the southern pole. The remaining land mass at the equator consisting of a string of islands populated by various fishing tribes.

The natives are a brutal, bloodthirsty people. Centuries of oppression from a Xenos race, has left them with a pragmatic, but callous mindset. They despise weakness, choosing to leave any who are unable to contribute to the tribes' survival out in the wilderness. Their year is marked by many rituals that were used to beseech the Inti (What are the Inti? At this stage of the article, you haven't explained...) for help to rid themselves of the alien oppressor. Whilst it has been many years since the menace was driven off, the rituals are still performed to ensure that the Inti is kept pleased.

The Inti is the primitive interpretation of the God-Emperor of Mankind. When contact was re-established by the Imperium, Inquisitors deemed the deviation acceptable, indeed, the final report stated that the devotion of the Emperor as a Sun God by the natives was more devout than that of most Imperial Shrine worlds. It has been noted that many of the rituals deemed necessary by the Pochutecans are extremely bloodthirsty. Ritual sacrifice, crucifixion and torture feature heavily, something that has been kept under observation by covert individuals. The Chapter has not found out about the investigation. Yet.

With such a savage populace to recruit from, the Chapter is just as ruthless, more so due to the indoctrination methods. Whilst devout to both the Emperor of Mankind and their Father, Roboute Guilliman, their adherence to the holy Codex is not as unshakable as that of other successors. The Rainbow Warriors favour close combat heavily, but have no doubt of the value of heavy weaponry.

 

 

To say that the people of your world are more devout than those of Shrine Worlds is a heavy-handed way to get across your ideas that faith and devotion filter through every aspect of the Pochutecans' life. It also makes your people sound like super special snowflakes - and that's not really the point of DIY Chapters.

 

There are some good ideas here - humans oppressed by aliens (what kind?*) and freed by the intervention of the Astartes. But you don't make it clear what their oppression was like. Were they brutally forced into labour camps? Hunted as game? It might be interesting if the aliens used them in industry - mining or the like - and their barbaric lifestyle is a sort of reflexive reaction against their former experiences. Also, when the world was uncovered, were they being oppressed by aliens, or is that later? It's simply not clear.

 

You mention that the Rainbow Warriors were a Second Founding Chapter. That's fair enough - but remember that 10,000 years have passed since that time. When in the Chapter's existence did they take the world? If it was relatively recent, would they be the "Rainbow Warriors", and wouldn't you have to discuss their existence beforehand? If it was 10,000 years ago - why is this world still under the threat of Inquisitorial (and not Ecclesiarchal) censure? That needs to be explained a little more.

 

Also, think about the effects of these people becoming Astartes - do they hate aliens with an unbridled fury Are these rituals carried forward into the Rainbow Warriors, and how?

 

*Later in the article, you mention Orks - but remember that the reader shouldn't have to go back and forth between sections of your article in order for it to make sense. Present the reader with information as they need it.
 

 

 

The Chapter was originally a crusading force, born of the Second Founding to retake areas of Ultima Segmentum from Xenos races that had taken advantage of the Heresy to expand their empires. Scouting parties had reported that a group of planets had been taken by Orks. Upon the full forces' arrival, the Chapter deployed to the largest planet, named Prism102Alpha. It had been surrounded by Roks of vast size, so much so that the planet was in a permanent night, the multicoloured nebula that the planetary system was named after obscured. Destroying the Roks was the first plan of action for the Chapter, but much of the devastation fell planet side, the Orks ships becoming large meteors that left vast craters in the lands below. The natives took this to be a sign that the Inti was displeased and had taken to hours prayer, the sacrifices given more and more bloody. After the Roks had been taken care of, the Nebula far above could be seen for the first time in hundreds of years. The sight of the Chapters' Thunderhawks in conjunction with this left the natives in no doubt that the sky warriors were from the Inti and a rebellion began to rid themselves of the green menace. Thousands died in the initial attacks, but the resolve to be free was unshakable. The Orks did not retreat from the blue armoured Marines and were destroyed. The task of ridding the planet of the Xenos took many months, the natives adamant that they should be involved. Whilst the Pochutecans could not effectively repel their oppressors as their posthuman allies, the Marines noted that their singlemindedness, dedication and above all, their savagery. Upon liberation of the world, the Legio Spectra claimed it for their own. One of the Chapters fleet ships had crashed near the northern pole and after much modification, was made suitable as the Fortress Monastery.

 

The Chapter was created from the outset to fight Orks - remember that the Chapters of the Second were comprised of Marines from the Legions. They would have Marines who've fought and died alongside Primarchs, who've seen wars that split the Imperium asunder. This is the time of the Great Scouring - you need to explain why the Chapter was keen to fight Orks, rather than Chaos Space Marines. In itself, there's nothing wrong with the concept, but you have material here to work with - the idea that Orks had taken advantage of the Heresy to expand their dominion over Human space. The idea that Orks are almost like an endemic weed or cancer - almost impossible to eradicate. What are the views of the Rainbow Warriors towards the Orks? Equally, think about who was granted command of the Chapter, what their original designation was, etc. Whilst a Chapter of the Second Founding no longer has the stigma it used to, it falls to you to make your creation worthy of being a Primogenitor Chapter.

 

Now, with regard to your homeworld, I simply cannot conceive how the Orks could have so many Roks in orbit that no light gets through to the planet. It sounds as though you're trying to be metaphorical, but it comes across as literal. The Nebula should be mentioned earlier and entwined with the history of the Pochutecan people. I can completely see how the wise people of the Pochutecan could construe the darkening of the nebula as a sign, so work that in. I do wonder, perhaps, if the people should rise up earlier - otherwise, what is it that makes the Space Marines pick this planet as a worthy source of recruits for their Chapter?

 

The "crashed ship" is a little too much of a throwaway reference. These are massive and incredibly difficult-to-replace vessels; I think you should add a little more detail into how and why it crashed, and why the Astartes made it into their Monastery.

 

All in all, I think there are some really interesting ideas here. The important thing, I think, is to remember how you present information to your reader so that they understand things as clearly as you do.

 

I hope to see more from this!

 

- Mol.