simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 That could work. It'd be something like a glossary using our new names and their FW equivalents in the Horus Heresy? Yeah. An easy reference section. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikhalLeNoir Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Well Big Bad Squig made already corrections. So Should we take his corrected version? If yes, I simply update my post. And what? can't follow right now^^ And this Simison was an evil techno barbarian p. roject leader who tried to alter history with his lost brotherhood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Squig Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I will edit my corrections to include feedback from the others (which will be done soon). That way you can just copy paste it into your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 And this Simison was an evil techno barbarian p. roject leader who tried to alter history with his lost brotherhood. Sounds like my kind of guy. I will edit my corrections to include feedback from the others (which will be done soon). That way you can just copy paste it into your post. Good. That saves me an awkward conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikhalLeNoir Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 And me a lot of work;) thx mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Squig Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) The Unification Wars These were dark times, times without hope, for the people of Terra suffered war after war, a never-ending cycle of death and destruction. And yet hope rose in form of a single man. It rose from wasted lands, once flowing with life. A warlord, unrivaled in power, emerged and sought to reclaim the lands, unifying them under a single banner. For he was the Emperor, and his strength was not only based on that of arms alone, but also in his mastery of science and the ability of great foresight and rationality, although few surmised the true potential of his might and abilities. The Emperor reclaimed great portions of Old Earth, unifying those who were willing to join him and destroying those who dared to oppose him. Although he waded through a sea of blood to conquer Earth, he was following a higher calling, restoring humanity to the heights it once had known and casting aside the darkness that befallen it. When his the time of his conquest arrived, the idols of fear and blind faith were cast down and in their place order and rationality ruled once more. Kalagann of Ursh, Narthan Dume, Simision the three-eyed and countless others were dragged from their thrones by the Emperors hand, aided first by his regiments of genetically enhanced Thunder Warriors and later the nascent Legiones Astartes. The war went on without yield, until finally all Old Earth’s techno-barbarian factions and all fractured city-states were defeated and swore fealty to the Emperor. And so, after millennia of warfare, Terra was finally united under one golden leader. But the Emperor knew that securing military victory wasn’t enough, and in order to fulfill his dreams of improvement and restoration of humanity more was needed. He took the means necessary even before the task of conquering all of Terra was accomplished. So the Emperor gathered learned souls around him and started to experiment with genetics in order to first and foremost cleanse Mankind from the taint that had cursed the population after generations under the influence of radiation storms and weaponry that wracked the pure geneseed of humanity. His second goal was to create a 'new man' in order to retake the stars. The genetic enhancements and heavy augments which had begun with his Thunder Warriors were only the first step in the creation of superhuman fighters, which finally peaked in the creation of that which would later become known as the Space Marine Legions. Alongside this, the Emperor created an all-embracing civil administration to recreate the civilisation and government of old and to order and rebuild his new world. Houses of learning and education were established to shape the minds of the population and to reclaim lost lore and knowledge from the ashen waste that this once blue planet had become. The Unification of Terra would only be the beginning, and thus the time of the Unification Wars was ended and the Age of the Great Crusade was begun. Edited November 1, 2015 by Big Bad Squig Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skalpynock Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 There should be an "of" between Kalagann and Ursh, he's been described as the tyrant of that place but never as having a last name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 "...faith were cast down, and in their place..." No comma needed. "...all of terra was accomplished." Capitalize Terra. "...the taint, that had cursed..." No comma needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Now that I've been corrected on the direction this first book is going, I've decided we don't need to re-do the Legiones Astartes background section. Since Betrayal is still here and the information is so basic, we don't need to expound on it. At most, we need to fix the Primarch discovery order sub-section, and we can attach that to the history section. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Unity had been achieved, but only Mars. With the Omnnissah’s blessings, the Mechanicum searched the rest of the solar system. Since it would be long before the Emperor’s arrival, all they found was anarchy and barbarism. Now aware, the attention of the Red Planet inexorably drew to Old Earth with eagerness and apprehension. Although ravaged by short-sighted warlords, in every calculation there was a chance that one techno-barbarian lord could unlock a secret of Ancient Earth and become a potential threat to the Red Planet. Thus began a centuries-long, bloody rivalry between the two neighboring planets. The Tech-priests sought to deprive the tyrants the ability to strike at them, even as the Mechanicum hunted for the technological inheritance hidden throughout Terra. While this conflict would ebb and flow, the Mechanicum looked to the rest of the galaxy. Hoping to reconnect with lost humanity, the Mechanicum would periodically gather its resources and create a fleet, whose mission would be to explore the stars, reconnect with the lost pockets of Man, and establish the Tech-priests’ dominion. These ships would become known as the Explorator fleets. Despite their mastery over technology, these fleets were at the mercy and whims of the Warp. Many would be claimed by these treacherous seas, never to be seen or heard from again. Against the odds, some would survive their blind journeys and establish new colonies, which would eventually grow into Forge Worlds. These would later become boons to the Great Crusade. This state of affairs lasted for some time but was brought to an end when the Emperor conquered Terra. The news of this new unifier was met with apprehension from the Lords of the Red Planet. Long had some feared this possibility of a warlord who could invade their sands. Yet, others looked upon the Emperor with hope. Unlike the other tyrants, this was a man devoted to science and learning, a possible kindred spirit to the Tech-priests. A few went further still. Hearing rumors about his superhuman accomplishments, a small but growing body of Tech-priests believed that the Emperor could be the Omnissah they had been waiting for. The Emperor was aware of all of this. If he were to save humanity from the chaos gripping it, he would need Mars on his side. Unlike the petty tyrants of Old Earth, the Emperor understood that Mars was a different beast entirely. United behind the Mechanicum Parliament and armed with vast swathes of technology, victory was far from certain. Even if victory could be secured, the steep price paid would render it worthless. Yet, the Emperor was not limited to just the arena of war. Reaching out with the hand of diplomacy, the Emperor suggested a bargain. The Martian forges would turn their attention to supplying the Emperor’s armies, while their docks would create the mighty fleet he required. In return, the Emperor would grant the Mechanicum Parliament unheard of independence within his new Imperium, along with his protection. To further sweeten the taste of peace, the Emperor offered six Navigator households for exclusive service to the Mechanicum. The Tech-priests’ own thrall-Navigators had long since perished. This latest offer would allow the Mechanicum to truly traverse the stars with impunity. It was enough to win over Mars, though not without some internal blood spilt. The alliance was sealed when the Parliament’s representative, the Fabricator-General, took his rightful place on the War Council of the Great Crusade. The new space marine legions would soon receive new arms and armors from the powerful Martian forges. Warships churned out of the dockyards, ready to make war. Lastly, the ground shook as the colossal war machines marched as the Titans joined the ranks of the strengthening Imperial military. [somebody check me?] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund229 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Unity had been achieved, but only on Mars. With the Omnnissah’s blessings, the Mechanicum searched the rest of the solar system. Since it was long before the Emperor’s arrival, all they found was anarchy and barbarism. Now aware, the attention of the Red Planet waw inexorably drawn to Old Earth with an umatched eagerness and apprehension. Although ravaged by short-sighted warlords, in every calculation there was a chance that one techno-barbarian lord could unlock a secret of Ancient Earth and become a potential threat to the Red Planet. Thus began a centuries-long, bloody rivalry between the two neighboring planets. The Tech-priests sought to deprive the tyrants of their ability to strike at them, even as the Mechanicum hunted for the technological inheritance hidden across Terra. While this conflict would ebb and flow, the Mechanicum turned its gaze upon the rest of the galaxy. Hoping to reconnect with lost elements of humanity, the Mechanicum would periodically gather its resources and create a fleet whose mission would be to explore the stars, reconnect with the lost pockets of Man, and establish the Tech-priests’ dominion. These ships would become known as the Explorator fleets. Despite their mastery of technology, these fleets were at the mercy and whims of the Warp. Many would be claimed by these treacherous seas, never to be seen or heard from again. Against the odds, some would survive their blind journeys and establish new colonies, which would eventually grow into Forge Worlds. These would later become boons to the Great Crusade. This state of affairs lasted for some time but was brought to an end with the Emperors conquest of Terra. The news of this new conqueror was met with apprehension by the Lords of the Red Planet. Some had long feared the possibility of a warlord who could invade their sands. Yet, others looked upon the Emperor with hope. Unlike the other tyrants, this was a man devoted to science and learning, a possible kindred spirit to the Tech-priests. A few went further still. Hearing rumors about his superhuman accomplishments, a small but growing body of Tech-priests believed that the Emperor could be the Omnissah they had been waiting for. The Emperor was aware of all of this. If he were to save humanity from the chaos gripping it, he would need Mars on his side. Unlike the petty tyrants of Old Earth, the Emperor understood that Mars was a different beast entirely. United behind the Mechanicum Parliament and armed with vast swathes of technology, victory was far from certain. Even if victory could be secured, the steep price paid would render it worthless. Yet, the Emperor was not limited to just matters of war. Reaching extending the hand of diplomacy, the Emperor proposed a bargain. The Martian forges would turn their attention to supplying the Emperor’s armies, while their docks would create the mighty fleet he required. In return, the Emperor would grant the Mechanicum Parliament unheard of independence within his new Imperium, along with his protection. To further sweeten the taste of peace, the Emperor offered six Navigator households for exclusive service to the Mechanicum for the Tech-priests’ own thrall-Navigators had long since perished. This last offer would allow the Mechanicum to truly traverse the stars with impunity. It was enough to win Mars over, although not without some internal blood spilt. The alliance was sealed when the Parliament’s representative, the Fabricator-General, took his rightful place on the War Council of the Great Crusade. The new space marine legions would soon receive new arms and armor from the powerful Martian forges. Warships churned out of the dockyards, ready to make war. Lastly, the ground shook as the colossal war machines marched as the Titans joined the ranks of the strengthening Imperial military. There you go chief. Ialso changed a few bits to make them sounds less clunky. By the way, are we using British or American spelling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) *sigh* We should be using British spelling. EDIT: Also, what's waw? Edited November 1, 2015 by simison Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slips Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 At least your not in Canada where its 50/50 British/American Spelling LOL, stuff gets confusing sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund229 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) *facepalm* Waw=was british spelling(takesout red pen of correction)I'll get working on it Edited November 1, 2015 by Sigismund229 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 At least your not in Canada where its 50/50 British/American Spelling LOL, stuff gets confusing sometimes. That does sound like a nightmare. I visited Paris once and was floored by how evil their keyboards were. I can't imagine using an English & French keyboard. I'd sooner set it on fire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slips Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 At least your not in Canada where its 50/50 British/American Spelling LOL, stuff gets confusing sometimes. That does sound like a nightmare. I visited Paris once and was floored by how evil their keyboards were. I can't imagine using an English & French keyboard. I'd sooner set it on fire. Oh AZERTY Keyboards are a nightmare LOL 90% of my Game Design Class is Frenchmen and I literally cannot use their Laptop Keyboards LOL Accents and all that LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund229 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) Excuse moi monsieur je crois que tu veux dire 90% sont quebeqois :D Try being british living in Belgium. At homr I have to use a QWERTY at school I have to use an AZERTY. It's so confusing. Edited November 1, 2015 by Sigismund229 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slips Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Excuse moi monsieur je crois que tu veux dire 90% sont quebeqois Try being british living in Belgium. At homr I have to use a QWERTY at school I have to use an AZERTY. It's so confusing. Well played! But, no, most of my class are dudes who came over from France. So while we all speak french, there was still a very noticeable language barrier for the first few days LOL And yeah, i've got a buddy whose trying to swap over to QWERTY and only his laptop has AZERTY but its been remapped to QWERTY. <_< >_> So yeah, about that Book 1 *ducks in case of melta gun* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hesh Kadesh Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Unity had been achieved, but only on Mars. With the Omnnissah’s blessings, the Mechanicum searched the rest of the solar system. Since it was long before the Emperor’s arrival, all they found was anarchy and barbarism. Now aware, the attention of the Red Planet waw inexorably drawn to Old Earth with an umatched eagerness and apprehension. Although ravaged by short-sighted warlords, in every calculation there was a chance that one techno-barbarian lord could unlock a secret of Ancient Earth and become a potential threat to the Red Planet. Thus began a centuries-long, bloody rivalry between the two neighboring planets. The Tech-priests sought to deprive the tyrants of their ability to strike at them, even as the Mechanicum hunted for the technological inheritance hidden across Terra. While this conflict would ebb and flow, the Mechanicum turned its gaze upon the rest of the galaxy. Hoping to reconnect with lost elements of humanity, the Mechanicum would periodically gather its resources and create a fleet whose mission would be to explore the stars, reconnect with the lost pockets of Man, and establish the Tech-priests’ dominion. These ships would become known as the Explorator fleets. Despite their mastery of technology, these fleets were at the mercy and whims of the Warp. Many would be claimed by these treacherous seas, never to be seen or heard from again. Against the odds, some would survive their blind journeys and establish new colonies, which would eventually grow into Forge Worlds. These would later become boons to the Great Crusade. This state of affairs lasted for some time but was brought to an end with the Emperors conquest of Terra. The news of this new conqueror was met with apprehension by the Lords of the Red Planet. Some had long feared the possibility of a warlord who could invade their sands. Yet, others looked upon the Emperor with hope. Unlike the other tyrants, this was a man devoted to science and learning, a possible kindred spirit to the Tech-priests. A few went further still. Hearing rumors about his superhuman accomplishments, a small but growing body of Tech-priests believed that the Emperor could be the Omnissah they had been waiting for. The Emperor was aware of all of this. If he were to save humanity from the chaos gripping it, he would need Mars on his side. Unlike the petty tyrants of Old Earth, the Emperor understood that Mars was a different beast entirely. United behind the Mechanicum Parliament and armed with vast swathes of technology, victory was far from certain. Even if victory could be secured, the steep price paid would render it worthless. Yet, the Emperor was not limited to just matters of war. Reaching extending the hand of diplomacy, the Emperor proposed a bargain. The Martian forges would turn their attention to supplying the Emperor’s armies, while their docks would create the mighty fleet he required. In return, the Emperor would grant the Mechanicum Parliament unheard of independence within his new Imperium, along with his protection. To further sweeten the taste of peace, the Emperor offered six Navigator households for exclusive service to the Mechanicum for the Tech-priests’ own thrall-Navigators had long since perished. This last offer would allow the Mechanicum to truly traverse the stars with impunity. It was enough to win Mars over, although not without some internal blood spilt. The alliance was sealed when the Parliament’s representative, the Fabricator-General, took his rightful place on the War Council of the Great Crusade. The new space marine legions would soon receive new arms and armor from the powerful Martian forges. Warships churned out of the dockyards, ready to make war. Lastly, the ground shook as the colossal war machines marched as the Titans joined the ranks of the strengthening Imperial military. There you go chief. Ialso changed a few bits to make them sounds less clunky. By the way, are we using British or American spelling? Looks very good. Only comments 1. You have mispelt Omnissiah several times. I've quickly scanned through to highlight, but I may have missed a couple. 2. Solar System requires Capitalising. 3. "Since it was" is unnecessary and more chat-speak. Can choose to leave in, but taking it out still makes sense, and makes it seem less casual, in my personal opinion. 4. "Whose"; the fleet is not a person, this is a "which" 5. "Emperors conquest" is a possessive; it would need an apostrophe. 6. Parliament; I'm not entirely sure that parliament is the correct word to use. A Parliament is based debate, and legislature concurrent with democracy; the Mechanicum is arguably an autocracy, or possibly fuedal state; alternatively, a technocracy, or some similar form of denucleated dictatorship. Parliament comes from the french for "discussion"; which is something that I cannot really see the Tech-lords doing. I cannot think of an alternative word to replace "Parliament" as it's a pretty cut and dry thing that is representative of Democracy (from demos, "the people", anc. Greek); again something that all powerful Archaeotech-Magisters obsessed with unearthing ancient powerful technology and grafting it into their implants, casually spending the lives of lesser implanted beings in thrall to their masters almost certainly aren't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund229 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Point 6 was something I noticed too. Perhaps council would be a better way of saying it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Parliament comes straight from Betrayal. They use it several times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talonair Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Mars was originally run by a Parliment, only during the Great Crusade did the Fabricator-General become the feudal leader Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hesh Kadesh Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Well that's good to know. Feel free to ignore that :). Being lazy, does anyone have a page reference? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Top of page 18 Page 16, first paragraph under the title "Lords of the Red Planet" Hesh Kadesh 1 Back to top Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hesh Kadesh Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 What on earth... "technocratic parliament of feudal overlords" That's absolute gibberish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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