The 'Codex Compliant' short stories - No. 3 up now!

[SlangWhanger]

+++ =][= These stories are officially 'Codex Compliant' =][= +++

 

Hello all! The 'Codex Compliant' short stories is a fun project for me to write funny stories based on 40k. These will take some of those non-fluffy issues found in the Codexes (not officially a word but sounds better than 'codices'), face-palm moments from Games Workshop, and small things that annoy us as gamers and imagine them in the universe of 40k amongst the characters that we use to game with.

 

Of course, I have only limited ideas, so if there are any suggestions of something that you would enjoy reading in story form then comment and I'll see what I can do!

 

If you wish to criticise my writing style, do: it helps to improve.

 

The only thing left to say is this: enjoy!

 

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The 'Codex Compliant' Stories

 

Number 1 - Chained by Command - an exploration into pedantry...

 

Hidden Content

 

The blast templates were hammering down hard as the guardsmen sheltered behind their 4+ cover. Guardsman Koyn poked his head above the ruins, but before he could duck back down a piece of shrapnel struck him in the facial part of his head, utterly killing him outright. Sergeant Croodase looked nervously round at the Commissar attached to his squad.

 

‘Sir, I think we may have to tactically withdraw. We are completely pinned here,’ he ventured.

 

‘Nonsense,’ came the expected reply. ‘We are the men of the Imperial Guard an-’

 

‘Astra Militarum actually, sir.’

 

‘What? Ah yes, quite. Anyhow, we do not retreat. I don’t want to have to let my bolt pistol make that clear, is that clear?’

 

‘Yes, sir.’

 

The Commissar turned towards the vox operator of the squad:

 

‘Any word from HQ boy?’ he snapped.

 

‘No sir, the barrage is too thick to get a signal through.’

 

Then, just like that, the barrage stopped.

 

‘Oh praise be to Marbo,’ came whispered prayers as the torment that was the artillery stopped.

 

‘Sir!’ squawked the excited voice of the vox operator. ‘Enemy forces are headed our way in number. Fresh orders being sent through.’

 

‘Good,’ muttered the commissar, relishing the opportunity for a good scrap. There was a dull, microwave-like ping as the orders came in. ‘Make your report!’

 

‘Yes sir. Orders are as follows: “Fix bayonets.”’

 

The Guardsmen looked at each other, bemused. Even the commissar looked a bit confused, until he realised action had to be taken.

 

‘Go on, you heard. Fix those bayonets!’

 

Still the troopers did nothing. At last, after many fervent glances that made it seem as if they were all flirting with each other, one man spoke up:

‘But sir, our bayonets aren’t broken.’ Everyone nodded in agreement, looking toward the funny shaped cap for further guidance.

 

The commissar thought for a moment. This was indeed an odd order. Why on Terra would the superior officers ask the men to make sure their bayonets were fixed just before a combat? They would be better served attached to their laser pointers. Then it hit him, like a D weapon.

 

‘Change of orders boys. A-fix bayonets, repeat a-fix bayonets. Your bayonets aren’t broken, but command’s sense of grammar is!’

 

With knowing looks the men chuckled at the mistake made by those who should know better as they went about affixing their bayonets. Lucky the commissar had a bit of brain in there, else they would have all died trying to repair their knives.

 

 

Number 2 - And They Shall Know No Fear - A day in the life of The Emperor's finest

 

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"Well this is a waste of time," muttered Brother Antaeus through the vox link.

 

"And a waste of wages," replied Decimus, his brother in arms. They were both still miffed at having to buy two seats each; it wasn't their fault that the Emperor had granted them the strongest armour. What's more, the two had been moved to the back row due to complaints that the people behind couldn't see the screen.

 

"I call it discrimination," continued Decimus

 

"Aye, and a severe lack of respect. The amount we do for them, eh? And the five hours of down time we get we can't even come to the cinema without being judged."

 

"Too right. When I stepped through that door some of the looks I got made me feel as if I were a Chaos Lord!"

 

Antaeus looked at his brother. "Not that you'd know what it feels like to be a Chaos Lord..."

 

"Oh yes, of course," rushed Decimus. "Couldn't tell you a thing about them."

 

The two sat in an awkward silence for a while, as if they were a couple on their first date, both willing the other to speak but neither wishing to do so. Decimus reached into his bucket and grabbed a piece of toffee popcorn, nimbly throwing it into the air. As it arched down he opened his mouth to catch it, realising all too late that he still had his helmet on. With a wet 'ting' the sticky missile landed in his grill.

 

"By Throne," he cursed, trying to no avail to remove the toffee interloper from his sacred armour. But alas, it was stuck.

 

"Brother Antaeus," he whispered, despite the enclosed vox link. In hindsight they probably should have turned their voxes off when the polite reminder to turn off all mobile phones came, but it was too late now. And this film was REALLY boring.

 

"Yes Brother?"

 

"Did you bring your combat knife in?" The sharp blade would hopefully be able to dislodge the popcorn.

 

"Don't be silly, Tactical squads don't have close combat weapons."

 

"Damn." So he sat there, trying to ignore the now melting toffee and focus on the film.

 

Suddenly the whole audience screamed and hid their faces. Two guardsmen even grabbed each other's hand, but quickly let go when they saw people looking. But still the Space Marines sat impassive.

 

"This really is boring," muttered Antaeus again. "I think we should go."

 

"Roger that. I'll follow you out."

 

Outside, helmets finally removed, Decimus turned to Antaeus.

 

"You know brother, for all the gifts the Emperor bestowed upon us Space Marines, there is one that sometimes irks me. 'And They Shall Know No Fear'. It really does ruin some of the experiences in life."

 

"I know what you mean, brother. Though maybe choosing to watch 'Saw, the 2341st Sequel's Prequel' wasn't the best of film choices."

 

"Very true, very true. Ah well, what about seeing Matheus Wardus' new film 'How to write a Codex' next week? I heard it's a satire."

 

"More like a farce if you ask me."

 

 

Number 3 - Ballistic Skill? BS! - that dreaded third dice...

 

Hidden Content

 

Hakron lined up the Fortress of Redemption walls in the sights of his Vindicator, the corrupted Machine Spirit warbling in delight at the imminent destruction. The Iron Warriors gunner had brought low countless bastions of the Imperium in his long life span. And now the walls of Reeko were about to come crashing down. Fellow Iron Warriors crowded around the venerable tank, waiting for the nut to crack before they would spill in and massacre everything in sight.

 

"All units in position. Ironed Hakron, we are ready to proceed upon your signal. Iron Within."

 

"Iron Without," replied Hakron, checking all Duck tape was correctly applied to parts that weren't supposed to move, and WD40 to parts that were. Uttering the final unholy prayer - 'please hit' - the gunner gripped the firing mechanism. One single shell would end this campaign. He fired.

 

The tainted machine answered with a resounding boom, a shell launching out of the mouth of the Demolisher cannon. It sailed through the air for about four metres when suddenly, either by utter chance or a stray gust of wind, the shell flipped and soured back over the tank into the waiting Chaos marines around the tank. The resulting explosion obliterated many of the loitering Marines.

 

"Damn, that was a bad scatter!" cursed Hakron.

 

The vox burst into life: "Hakron, what by Thro- what in the name of chaos is going on?!"

 

"Sorry sir, I don't know what happened there. I'll try turning it off and on again."

 

"I know your problem", came a third voice, the voice of the robed vagabond that had joined the Great Company to fight the Dark Angels. "Your Ballistic Skill is BS."

 

[Sviar]

Great read, this made me laugh.

[SlangWhanger]

Great read, this made me laugh:D.

Thanks, that's the aim!

 

 

 

Part two up in OP now!

[SlangWhanger]

Number 3 up now!

[IronDrake28]

Those were great, very enjoyable XD