Death Heads V5.0

[Donkey Kong]

Alrighty, since I just lost a good potion of my post I’ll skip all the formalities. I like this chapter and think it has potential to be a really good one with some tightening up. I read both the 1st and 2nd posts to put things in perspective, but I’ll be limiting my comments to the WIP IA in the 1st post.

 

That's greatly appreciated. I understand how difficult it can be to read a single IA and reading two couldn't have been an easy feat. I'm also glad you like the Chapter ;) .

 

I definitely think that “psychological warfare” would be better suited here. It might just be me but the word ‘terrorist’ to me makes brings up images of the marines, well, terrorizing innocents with brutality instead of using meticulous planning to turn the enemy combatants’ fear against them.

 

I understand what you mean, and I'll be sure to change it. It's a very valid explanation, and I intended to have a more psychological warfare vibe than an oppressive one.

 

I understand that the bolded part probably means these things might have originated from the warp. However “heretical powers” doesn’t always refer to Chaos. It might mean that Xenos were involved, or anything else that doesn’t really fit with the Imperial Creed (Pagan rogue trader brought it in? Heretical!). Perhaps ‘Malefic’, ‘Warp-spawned’, ‘daemonic’, or something along that line of thought would be better for what you want to get across?

 

I didn't think "heretical powers" would give off any other image than Chaos, but I see what you mean and something like "daemonic" clarifies it beautifully.

 

Using “them” in this sentence is a little ambiguous. My first read through I had to double back because I thought you were saying the dreads lay beside the catacombs. Of course it was easy to figure out what you meant, but you don’t want anybody to have to do that right? Perhaps change “them” to “their deceased/fallen comrades” or something like that?

 

Easy point of clarification, and I'll be sure to change it.

 

This part seems very far-fetched to me. It might be possible, but right now I’m thinking to myself “I live in North Carolina. Would I be able to see anything in California even if it was flipping ginormous?” That’s about 2,500 miles away and my mind immediately tells me, “not a chance between heaven and hell.” Perhaps the scale of this place this fortress monastery should be scaled down to make it easier to swallow?

 

Exaggerations are a small pain, eh? But I know what you mean and I'll probably shorten "thousands" to "hundreds", does that make more sense? The Fortress Monastery is never a small building, while these are bad examples, The Fang extends beyond the atmosphere (in all fairness, it's on a huge mountain), The Rock and The Phalanx are enormous space stations, even The Eternal Crusader is twice the size of a normal Battle Barge. Still, I'll be sure to change it.

 

 

I’m sensing some inconsistency here. At first I thought that each battle company has its own recruits and scouts. But then it seems that all the new guys train on-world with the Minuo. This definitely needs some clarification. It might help to make the distinction between recruits, initiates, and neophytes (you use all three of these words at one point or another).

 

Ah, I see what you mean, and I didn't intend to confuse. The idea I intended to have was:

1. Recruits are gathered and trained on Klysium by the Minuo

2. Companies request recruits when returning to the Klysium, and the Minuo gives eligible Recruits to the Company

3. Recruits fight as scouts for the Company and stay with the Company

 

It's probably my error with misunderstanding the words myself, as far as I understand it now:

Recruits are newly selected children

Neophytes are inducted scouts

Initiates are full fledged battle brothers

 

This doesn’t sit right with me. I understand spending 100 years away from battle would suck, but I still feel like an Astartes would consider this a huge honor! They are being entrusted with the very future of the chapter as much as any apothecaries. Not to mention that this council of chaplains and librarians is basically voting this veteran better suited to train the recruits than any of his peers. Not saying you need to change this part, but I feel like the magnitude of the task this Lord Minuo has been entrusted with isn’t really considered.

 

This is a very honest outlook on it, and I'm surprised none has ever brought this up. I think having it as something that is very bittersweet would be a good outlook, no? Something to edit.

 

Why don’t they just change the color? The Death Heads already deviate pretty far from the Codex Astartes, why not paint their librarians in any other color if blue is such bad luck? Everybody knows that an unlucky psyker is about 100x worse than an unlucky…anything else.

 

Funnily enough, Codex Grey asked that very same question, and I think it's a very valid one. For lack of better words, I like it there as an idea that even though the Chapter doesn't particularly stick to the Codex, they still follow it in their organization. Also, I tried to edit it a bit with the Chapter Cult section, saying that colors and luck are fickle, basically, the Librarian's blue may bring bad luck to the enemy.

 

Why?

 

Million dollar question, eh? This is honestly my mistake since I didn't clarify it. My intentions were to have a very warrior belief, basically going that close combat trumps firepower, so recruits who cannot handle a fight aren't redeemed by how well they shoot.

 

I think saying “sabotage” would be better than “demolition” in this case. Blowing stuff up isn’t always the best way of doing things. In the same vein, “sabotage missions” doesn’t really equal “assassination”. Perhaps words like “psychological warfare”, “disruption”, “confusion”, and the like should be considered?

 

The reason I didn't use sabotage again was because I called them "sabotage campaigns", but these descriptions are far more valid, thank you.

 

The Ultramarines aren’t known for fighting with any abnormal ‘fervor’. They are known for execution, tactical flexibility, and codex adherence.

 

This was in relation to a very rigid adherence to the Codex, but I see your point and I'll be sure to reword this.

 

I don’t particularly like this part. Perhaps it should say “for the enemy”? I’m not sure as far as wording goes. But Astartes know no fear. This reads like: for the Death Heads, an invisible enemy is the most terrifying? I believe you mean to say that the Death Heads understand that for the enemy an invisible enemy is the most terrifying.

 

Wording is so easy to confuse sometimes, but yes, this is exactly what I meant to say and I'll be sure to edit it.

 

 

Heresy! Adopting practices from the Emperor’s foes? Wouldn’t it sound a bit better if they adopted these practices from the warrior houses of Klysian? Also, what is this “same purpose”? I don’t understand if the trinkets are to inspire fear, for good luck, both, or something else entirely…

 

Oh my, and to think this has been in here this whole time. I'll probably change it to the Klysian Warrior Houses again, thanks for pointing that out.

 

This was kind of abrupt. There was no mention of any kind of duel or why they would even have duels until you just jump right into the deep end of it all.

 

Wording wise, it was there to encompass the idea that the duels were simple competitions. For example, an arm wrestling competition is simple. I don't really know how to edit this unfortunately, but maybe this made the idea a little clearer.

 

I’d personally keep that bolded part off. A company is around for thousands of years and probably has huge halls dedicated to all sorts of relics and trophies. This part is hard to swallow. Also…where on earth would they keep all this stuff? You have 100 veterans plus vet. sergeants, captains, chaplains, librarians, chapter master, etc. If half of them had the amount of crap you describe then the whole chapter would be tripping over xenos skulls every time they got up at night to use the bathroom (metaphorically).

 

Oh my. That's a really terrible description on my part, isn't it? I'll be sure to edit that out. Very entertaining metaphor by the way, very cute :lol: .

 

Well that's about all I got time for now and anythign I can say about the IA itself. Next time I'll hopefully get to discuss the thematic side of the Deaths Heads.

 

I eagerly await your next post.

 

Thanks,

KHK

 

EDIT:

 

Edits have been made to the first IA, thank you for all your suggestions, Nine_Breaker, unfortunately, there is one thing that, in hindsight, I have to disagree with you on. That is, the height and the ability for something to be seen.

Edited December 31, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Ace Debonair]

With regards to the colours of the librarians, there are two possible reasons for resisting a colour change.

 

Superstition - that's what made blue unlucky. Why not say it would be worse luck for them to change the colour? :D

 

Duty - The librarians could see it as their sworn duty to wear blue, and draw the bad luck away from their battle-brothers on a personal level, because the Librarians are best equipped to withstand such things. ^_^

 

That's all that comes to mind for now, anyway.

[Donkey Kong]

The idea of Librarians being sworn to protect their Battle Brothers from bad luck is, for lack of better words, brilliant. It even works with the idea that they are consulted before each battle to ensure that an action will be successful.

 

As far as having changing colors being unlucky, it wouldn't work because the chapter uses camouflage.

 

I'll be editing the IA now.

[Donkey Kong]

Edits have been made to the IA, mostly in the Combat Doctrine section.

 

I'm unsure of what needs work in the IA at this point in time, but please, feel free to tear through it and make any comments you choose.

 

Thanks,

KHK

[Ace Debonair]

The Chapter's Astartes are always eager to tell their memoirs to their younger brothers. Neophytes are often entertained and mesmerized by their more venerable brothers' tales, encompassing travels and victories on countless worlds against even more numerous of foes. Many of the Chapter's veterans link their more renown or important victories with treasures they've taken from their campaigns, often using these trinkets in their retelling of the story. Librarians tell the chronicles of the Chapter's fallen heroes during sermons to inspire the Astartes to even greater feats. All of these tales are recorded within the Chapter's Librarium on their home world, most written by the Astartes themselves.

 

The Death Heads honor the Emperor, not as a god, but as the greatest man to ever live. The Death Heads possess a terrible hatred for the traitors to the Emperor. Klysium still bears the scars from the Horus Heresy. This hatred has resulted in multiple Companies often rushing to fight against traitorous uprisings around the sector, regardless of their cause for rebellion. The Death Heads' malevolence is reflected on the battlefield, the Chapter's Astartes are never more vicious than in the face of traitorous Astartes, often charging forward to face them in combat.

 

Gene-seed

L

ike a full two thirds of existing Chapters, the Death Heads descend from Roboute Gulliman and his Ultramarines. The Death Heads gene-seed exhibits no mutations and the Chapter's Astartes have retained use of all of their implants. Apothecaries work tirelessly to ensure the Chapter's gene-seed is never corrupt, using their purity as a defining line that separates themselves from the traitorous Astartes that plague the Imperium.

 

Not often that I go all grammar-ninja on people (online, at least) but I think you might have over-used the word Astartes in this lines.

Calling them Space Marines, or just Marines once in a while will fix this.

 

I couldn't find any other errors, though.

The Death Heads are looking pretty sharp these days. :P

[Sigismund Himself]

Feedback incoming...

 

Based on the border between Ultima and Solar, the Chapter's Astartes have participated in conflicts throughout the Ultima against all manner of foes and bear countless trophies from their travels and victories.

Should use Segmentum with Ultima and Solar. Makes it sound more formal.

 

A venerable Astartes and masterful tactician, he knew the fear the Emperor's Angels of Death invoked in the enemies of the Imperium and championed psychological warfare. Operations such as these required fine planning, and none were as patient nor as meticulous as Agris Derii. His mind was a clockwork machine, his work was an art and his art was death.

Championed sounds a little weird here, not entirely sure why. Perhaps because the sentence finishes so quickly with it? I'd suggest seeking alternative wording, perhaps 'and was a keen proponent of psch. warfare'. Also, you've just said how Marines instill fear in enemies and then go on to sat that psychological warfare requires fine planning. A little contradictory to me. Last line is alright, though the flow is weird due to the first 'His mind was a clockwork machine' and then the last two phrases merely consisting of 3 words each. Perhaps seek a way to make the first line shorter/punchier or lengthen the other two slightly.

 

To manifest the terror his Chapter would inspire, Derii ordered his brothers to print a human skull on the face plate of their helms. In the beginning, the Chapter wore the fearsome symbol as their heraldry, only adopting the kraken after drawing Klysian recruits. Since Derii's time, the mark has evolved, becoming more bestial and alien in nature. Some mock the xeno enemies of the Emperor with oblong crowns and fanged jaws, while others imitate the more feral beasts that inhabit the Imperium. Others continue to honor Derii's original image, and wear the human skull. The Death Heads drew their name from this mark upon their founding, and only full battle brothers are permitted to wear it.

I like this. Though I would clarify the timeframe of the kraken's adoption as the chapter symbol by adding 'as the chapter absorbed more of its homeworld's culture'. It makes it sound that it took longer as the older marines died and the ranks became inhabited fully by Klysian recruits, instead of as soon as the first new recruit is in the door they change their chapter symbol ;) Of course, if you wanted it that way, ignore this minor point.

 

 

Klysium lies on the border between Segmentum Solar and Segmentum Ultima. First annexed during the Great Crusade, it has never faltered in its loyalty. Unwavering and strong, Derii saw great promise in the Klysian people as future Astartes and claimed the world as his own.

Would not have 'as his own' but rather 'as the chapter's own'. Sounds less like he is the next Huron Blackheart that way :) Also, I would try to put a bit more text in this paragraph. Since it is the first paragraph in the section, I think it needs a bit more weight/meat in order to start the section off on a strong foot. Perhaps adding a bit about the lifestyle of the people that make them such a good recruiting pool would be a good idea, as you haven't mentioned why in the article.

 

In millenia past, Klysium was a mountainous world with great cities worked into the very mountains, canyons and plateaus that blanketed the world's surface. During the Horus Heresy, Klysium served as a bulwark against Horus and his invading forces and as a host to one of the greatest battles not involving the Legionnaires Astartes. War lasted for months, on both the surface and in orbit around the world. In a final, desperate attempt to destroy the Warmaster's invading Mechanicus and Army forces, the Klysian loyalists targeted the world's ice caps, destroying them through orbital bombardments. Monumental tides from the broken poles washed over the world, submerging all but the highest cities, and drowning the hated traitors.

Millennia, not millenia. The legions are known more commonly as Legiones Astartes, not Legionnaires Astartes. Also may want to say that the flooding was a desperate attempt to deny the world to the traitors. Right now it doesn't read so much like that, at least to me. Changing the underlined bit to clarify this would help.

 

Unlike a majority of Gulliman's kin, the Death Heads deviate from the Codex in organizing their forces. The Death Heads First Company is a collection of venerable warriors, drawn from every company and learned in using the Chapter's tactical dreadnought armor. The First rarely operates alone, instead distributing its forces throughout the other companies. Following the Klysian warrior houses, each of the companies operates as an independent force, organized as a standard codex battle company, with its own attached neophytes and veterans.

You say they are different from the Codex and then go on to say in the next two sentences how they are the same. I would put the last sentence as the second sentence and then say how the First Company retains Codex organisation (do they have a First Company Captain though or is it the Chapter Master? Otherwise you've got a Captain that doesn't have control over much of his Company at a time).

 

Lord Minuo is the title of the Chapter's Master of Recruits. A veteran selected by a council of Chaplains and Librarians, the Minuo is bound to Klysium, only returning to war after a century of service. The veteran will hold his title for the remainder of his life. Venerable brothers both honor and detest the position, recognizing being chosen while comparing it to isolation and inprisonment.

Is the job one for life? You say that he returns to war after a century of service but then go to say he holds the title, which is the title for the Master of Recruits, for life. Wasn't so clear.

 

Librarians command great respect amongst the Death Heads. Taken from the traditions of their mentor Chapter, the Silver Skulls, they are consulted by commanders before each battle. Speaking with the voice of the Emperor, few decisions are made without their approval. Librarians are responsible for telling the tales of fallen heroes to their brother Astarts and recording new legacies for future generations. No information is more sacred to the Chapter than its own history, and so the Librarians bear the burden of the Chapter's pride. The Librarians' color of office has led them to be deemed unlucky by many Death Heads who follow the Klysian superstitions, still many more respect the librarians for their fortitude. Few Librarians fear this claim, seeing it as their duty to draw misfortune away from their brothers who are more vulnerable to the touch of the Warp.

Mispelling of Astartes in there (bolded). I think that the Librarians' position should be clarified a bit more as well. You have them as being needed to consult with before battles and also telling/recording tales. This places them as obviously very well respected. And yet you have the chapter viewing them as unlucky. The idea just needs a bit of tightening up, there's nothing wrong with the clash but some of the implications may need to be worded more clearly.

 

Nothing escapes the superhuman minds of the Astartes, for the Chapter's strength is numbered, and every loss is a terrible blow to the Chapter's strength.

Sounds like the chapter is struggling for numbers when you put it this way, not sure if that was your intention or not.

 

The Chapter's Astartes are often brash, headstrong, stubborn and volatile, courageous in the face of any foe. These traits have allowed the Death Heads to prevail against impossible odds. Relentless in assault and unyielding in defense, for the Astartes, to retreat is to show weakness and dishonor the Chapter. In battle, the Death Heads fight in accordance with the Codex Astartes, their adherence matching their gene fathers, the Ultramarines. Drilled from childhood, the Death Heads fight with finesse and precision. The Astartes were bred for battle, none will rest until their task is complete or their duty ends in their death.

This part becomes quite muddled. You say that they fight with 'finesse and precision' and yet they are often 'brash, headstrong, stubborn and volatile'. You also say that they fight 'in accordance with the Codex Astartes' and yet 'to retrat is to show weakness and dishonour the chapter'. This paragraph needs more work.

 

An assortment of traditions have been absorbed by the Death Heads, predominantly from their parent Chapter, the Silver Skulls, and their home world, Klysium. The Death Heads honor the marks and traditions of Klysian warriors in their own ranks, going so far as to follow their superstitions. Colors play a great role in Klysian lore, blue is believed to be unlucky. Similarly, the Chapter's green is believed to invoke misfortune and death. Red is believed to be lucky, and marines will often paint red war markings, jags and spirals, on their armor. All these colors are believed to be as unpredictable as the sea, with the Chapter's librarians navigating the battle through the waves of disaster.

Underlined sentence doesn't really work. Also, you've said the people of the planet respect them for being the Angels of Death but then you've got them coloured the colour of misfortune and death. That point could be clarified in the Homeworld section. The last sentence seems to undermine the rest of the paragraph as you say the colour are unpredictable. The bit about the Librarians didn't make sense to me but maybe I'm just thick ;)

 

Chapter marines all have a habit of collecting various trinkets off of fallen enemies. This tradition was adopted from the Klysian Warrior Houses to show all manner of foes killed by the warrior. In addition, many battle brothers take trophies as gifts for the Emperor. In following the Klysian warriors' traditions, weapons, charms, bones, teeth and all manner of things are taken from defeated enemies. When marines first return to their battle barge, more interesting and valuable treasures are given to the Chaplains who then take them to the apothecaries, librarians and techmarines. In turn, they take the most useful treasures to study, those found useless are brought back to the battle brothers.

Perhaps in the last sentence, you should mention that they screen the treasures for any taint while examining them.

 

 

The Death Heads are a very enjoyable read :) There's just a few places where additions need to be made and tightening up of wording or concepts needs to be done before the IA becomes a truly great one. They've come a long way, not much longer to go to the Librarium, methinks.

[Donkey Kong]

I'll be sure to look back at that Ace. Thanks for pointing it out.

 

Thanks Sigismund ;) !

 

Should use Segmentum with Ultima and Solar. Makes it sound more formal.

 

Championed sounds a little weird here, not entirely sure why. Perhaps because the sentence finishes so quickly with it? I'd suggest seeking alternative wording, perhaps 'and was a keen proponent of psch. warfare'. Also, you've just said how Marines instill fear in enemies and then go on to sat that psychological warfare requires fine planning. A little contradictory to me. Last line is alright, though the flow is weird due to the first 'His mind was a clockwork machine' and then the last two phrases merely consisting of 3 words each. Perhaps seek a way to make the first line shorter/punchier or lengthen the other two slightly.

 

Edits have been made, especially to that odd sentence at the end. I know they go almost hand in hand, but psychological warfare and the terror campaigns the Chapter goes on aren't the same. Imperial Fists coming in clad in golden yellow are going to scare the hell out of any traitors, but not the same way a Death Head is clad in camouflaged Power Armor and terrorizing an enemy position for weeks on end.

 

I like this. Though I would clarify the timeframe of the kraken's adoption as the chapter symbol by adding 'as the chapter absorbed more of its homeworld's culture'. It makes it sound that it took longer as the older marines died and the ranks became inhabited fully by Klysian recruits, instead of as soon as the first new recruit is in the door they change their chapter symbol :) Of course, if you wanted it that way, ignore this minor point.

 

Certainly a good idea and it has been edited.

 

Millennia, not millenia. The legions are known more commonly as Legiones Astartes, not Legionnaires Astartes. Also may want to say that the flooding was a desperate attempt to deny the world to the traitors. Right now it doesn't read so much like that, at least to me. Changing the underlined bit to clarify this would help.

 

Edits have been made :) .

 

You say they are different from the Codex and then go on to say in the next two sentences how they are the same. I would put the last sentence as the second sentence and then say how the First Company retains Codex organisation (do they have a First Company Captain though or is it the Chapter Master? Otherwise you've got a Captain that doesn't have control over much of his Company at a time).

 

Well, that was a doozy, fixed. The Chapter does have a First Captain, and the fact that most Codex Chapters have their veterans distributed makes it seem that the Captain wouldn't particularly mind having his Company teaching everyone else.

 

Is the job one for life? You say that he returns to war after a century of service but then go to say he holds the title, which is the title for the Master of Recruits, for life. Wasn't so clear.

 

I've edited this. It's more like a president whose term of service is up, they're not the active president anymore but if anyone is going to address them, they still address them as “Mr. President”.

 

Mispelling of Astartes in there (bolded). I think that the Librarians' position should be clarified a bit more as well. You have them as being needed to consult with before battles and also telling/recording tales. This places them as obviously very well respected. And yet you have the chapter viewing them as unlucky. The idea just needs a bit of tightening up, there's nothing wrong with the clash but some of the implications may need to be worded more clearly.

 

Fixed. I don't know how I would clarify it in the IA, but it's supposed to be like “since they are wearing an unlucky color they are more likely to draw the attention of the warp and since they're drawing attention they're taking a weight off of their battle brothers.

 

Sounds like the chapter is struggling for numbers when you put it this way, not sure if that was your intention or not.

 

Not my intentions, it was supposed to be more like “Space Marines aren't wasted like Imperial Guardsmen who number in the trillions”. For now it's been edited out.

 

This part becomes quite muddled. You say that they fight with 'finesse and precision' and yet they are often 'brash, headstrong, stubborn and volatile'. You also say that they fight 'in accordance with the Codex Astartes' and yet 'to retrat is to show weakness and dishonour the chapter'. This paragraph needs more work.

 

Hmmm, I can't help but disagree with you here. I agree that brash is a terrible word to use, and alone it muddles it up, but headstrong, stubborn tie in with a hatred to surrender. Volatile has more to do with personality than anything else, but I don't see it going against tactics. The Imperial Fists, one of, if not the most, codex adherent Chapters is known for the stubborn nature of its Space Marines and it hasn't hurt them in that they can't function with codex doctrines.

 

Underlined sentence doesn't really work. Also, you've said the people of the planet respect them for being the Angels of Death but then you've got them coloured the colour of misfortune and death. That point could be clarified in the Homeworld section. The last sentence seems to undermine the rest of the paragraph as you say the colour are unpredictable. The bit about the Librarians didn't make sense to me but maybe I'm just thick ;)

 

Underlined sentence has been fixed. I'll be sure to try and clarify it, maybe the idea that the people are being protected by “misfortune and death” made manifest? I've gotten rid of the last two sentences, I can't say what I intended though.

 

Unpredictable colors had to do with something along the lines of the Chapter's green invokes death in the enemy, the Librarians' blue bring misfortune to the enemy and the red from the enemy's blood bring fortune to the Chapter. The Librarians “navigate” through all the luck making directing luck to the Chapter and misfortune to the enemy. / bad idea.

 

Perhaps in the last sentence, you should mention that they screen the treasures for any taint while examining them.

 

I've added a little reference to this.

[Donkey Kong]

For kicks and giggles while the IA is bordering on completion, I've decided to detail a strike force intended for a Campaign several board members, Codex Grey, Ferrus Manus, Grey Hunter Ydliar, Ace Debonair and I are working on. You can find it a few pages back and this thread and it has its own thread in the Liber Comminiscor section of the forum. It is called Gehenna and it involves an Imperial Crusade to retake a gas giant surrounded by a number of fabrication worlds after the local worlds ally with the Eldar and secede from the Imperium.

 

The Crusade includes forty three regiments of Imperial Guardsmen, many from Gehenna paying penitence for their traitorous brethren.

Four Chapters get involved in the Campaign over a period of time, they are the Warriors Eternal, the Arctic Lions, the Infinity Knights and, of course, the Death Heads.

The Death Heads lead the campaign after arriving alongside the Warriors Eternal. It's a fairly recent Campaign, so a lot of characters are the same.

 

Hopefully we'll have progress on the Gehenna Uprising soon for all of you to enjoy.

Edited January 10, 2010 by KingHongKong

[Ace Debonair]

Well, in the second and third stories I did regarding Filo's company I mentioned a guy named Sergeant Gare, one of Filo's most valued brothers.

Should I go and rename him, or is there room for him on your list?

Edited January 7, 2010 by Ace Debonair

[Donkey Kong]

I'll replace one of the Tactical Squads with his.

[Donkey Kong]

I thought I'd post a link to the Gehenna Campaign discussion for those interested.

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...howtopic=181052

 

Also, any comments concerning the IA are still very welcome.

 

Thanks,

KHK

[Solomon de Gravier]

The symbol is kind of stealing. It belongs to Games Workshop because it is the symbol of one of the seafaring Dark Elves in WFB.

 

You can use it of course. But when i saw it I thought ah! Dark Eldar in Power Armour!

[Donkey Kong]

Yes, it is based on the symbol of the Black Ark Corsairs from Warhammer Fantasy.

 

The symbol is kind of stealing.

 

I call it inspiration.

 

Dark Eldar in Power Armour!

 

I was going for pirates in space.

[Ace Debonair]

Lord Minuo is the title of the Chapter's Master of Recruits. A veteran selected by a council of Chaplains and Librarians, the Minuo is bound to Klysium, only returning to war after a century of service. The veteran will retain the title long after he has left the position and relinquished the powers that accompanied it. Venerable brothers both honor and detest the position, recognizing being chosen while comparing it to isolation and inprisonment. It is the duty of the Minuo to train recruits until they are fit to join the battle companies. Contrary to the Codex Astartes, the Death Heads have modified the method of advancement. Initiates begin fighting in the Assault Squads before progressing onto the Devastator and then Tactical Squads. The Death Heads are warriors, and those who cannot fight with their hands are not redeemed by how well they can kill from afar.

 

Highlighted section would read better with a phrase like:

'recognizing that the future of the chapter is essentially in their hands, but also that they must face a life of isolation from the glorious combat the Death Heads are trained to excel in.'

 

That's all that I can find at the moment; but it's getting darn late.

 

The Iron Gauntlet challenge has also taken up much of my time, so my apologies for not looking over these guys earlier.

I'm sort of surprised you haven't taken up the challenge, though. You seem to have no shortage of good ideas, especially where these guys are concerned. :)

 

Incidentally, any more news on getting the Death Heads into the Librarium?

Edited January 8, 2010 by Ace Debonair

[Donkey Kong]

Thanks, Ace! I'll make that edit now.

 

I didn't know the Gauntlet accepted works in progress and what's really terrible for me is that I jump around so much with ideas.

 

The Death Heads went through three names, starting with the Kraken Brothers, then the Krakemarines until becoming the Death Heads.

At one point the Second Company was literally Davy Jones' crew from PotC2 and PotC3.

At another point the Death Heads had another take on the Blood Angels and Pre Heresy Emperor's Children, basically viewing everything as an art form.

There was a Land Raider that I wanted to put a bloody Exorcist Organ on.

I also wanted to use the song Raise the Colours High, eventually that turned into the battle cry.

 

Besides, I've been putting a little more thought into Gehenna recently. I'll check out the Gauntlet though.

 

I've been thinking of what to do with the massive sidebar that is The Tainted. I think it fits the current quality of writing.

 

Hopefully I can get someone from the Librarium to read over the IA soon, and if I'm lucky I'll get the seal of approval.

 

And then maybe I can even find Dazzo or learn how to use paint to make a pretty Death Head.

 

:)

[Ferrus Manus]

Which IA do you want looking at KHK? 1st post or 2nd post?

[Donkey Kong]

First post, thanks Ferrus.

[Ferrus Manus]

Ok then,

 

a collection of venerable warriors drawn from every company and learned in using the Chapter's tactical dreadnought armor.

TDA should have capitals, it is a name after all.

When marines first return to their battle barge, more interesting and valuable treasures are given to the Chaplains who then take them to the apothecaries, librarians and techmarines

Again, capitals on Apothecary, Techmarine and Librarian. Also, I think I saw 'Battle Company' previously without capitals, it needs them.

The Death Heads possess a terrible hatred for the traitors to the Emperor.

A bit clunky. I'd suggest 'The Death Heads possess a terrible hatred for traitors of the Imperium.'

 

++++++++++++++++

 

Much, much better. I haven't read it in a while KHK, but trust me it has got better. I think you really only need to finish off a tiny bit of polishing and its ready for submission. Good work! :cuss

 

Iron Man Challenge: 4/20

Edited January 9, 2010 by Ferrus Manus

[Donkey Kong]

Thank you, Ferrus!

 

All capitols have been fixed, or at least I think so.

 

As a quick question, do you think the sidebar is on par with the rest of the IA?

 

Any comments are very welcome, I'm happy to finally be seeing a product from these guys :lol: !

[Ace Debonair]

There was a Land Raider that I wanted to put a bloody Exorcist Organ on.

 

 

Ah, fond memories. :sweat:

For what it's worth I liked that idea, in a crazy, what-the-heck sort of way.

 

As for the sidebar:

Champion of the First Company, Narrik, was outraged by his brothers' failure. Narrik accused the fallen Thussaud of failing to protect the most valuable of the Chapter's relics and his own longing to reclaim the helm from the broken corpse of the Ork Warboss. The Chapter's Captains observed Thussaud's burial, and began the formation of another company to replace the Second. They talked of who would lead this force, proposing dozens of veterans of the First Company, the Chapter's finest.

 

 

Narrick accused Thussaud of his own longing to reclaim the helm, according to this sentence. :)

Apart from that I see no problem with either the grammar or the content.

[Donkey Kong]

Thank you, Ace. Sentence has been fixed. I never particularly liked the name Hermione's Grave for the Space Hulk. It didn't have anything on something like Sin of Damnation. I renamed it Hermione's Ossuary and while the word is basically a simile for grave it has, what I think is, a more Gothic tone.

 

Any other suggestions for the IA as a whole?

Edited January 10, 2010 by KingHongKong

[Lysimachus]

Ok, some real nit-picks here but as this is pretty much Librarium quality, it’s all I could find!

 

His mind was a clockwork machine and his work was a brilliant art.

I’m sorry, maybe it’s just me but ‘clockwork’ really doesn’t fit, and spoils the suspension of disbelief, just saying ‘his mind was a machine’ would be better

 

In the beginning, the Chapter wore the fearsome symbol as their heraldry, only adopting the kraken as the Chapter absorbed more of its homeworld's culture. Since Derii's time, the mark has evolved, becoming more bestial and alien in nature.

'This' fearsome symbol, and I would put ‘often becoming’, as you say a moment later that some keep the original skull?

 

War lasted for months, on both the surface and in orbit around the world.

Really picky but ‘both on the’

 

The Solitary Abbey, is based on a submerged plateau in the world's large ocean,

Large doesn’t cover it, the ocean is most of the planet! ‘vast’ or something

 

Taken from the traditions of their mentor Chapter, the Silver Skulls, they are consulted by commanders before each battle

‘In accordance with the traditions’ would be a better start

 

for the Astartes, to retreat is to show weakness

no need for comma here, or alternatively change the comma right before this quote to a ;

 

These accusations have never endangered the Chapter's relationship with the Imperium, nor have they stopped the ancient custom.

I’d put ‘However, these accusations’ at the start as it’s a contrasting thought to the previous sentence, also 'this' not 'the'

 

Many of the Chapter's veterans link their more renown or important victories with treasures they've taken from their campaigns, often using these trinkets in their retelling of the story.

‘renowned’

 

Very, very good. As others have said, your writing has improved a great deal. Would be good to finally see this in the Librarium!

 

EDIT: Sidebar is fine and well written, but the length of it looks odd. What about breaking it up into two, maybe three be even better, sidebars. One right, one left, then another right? Would keep the story of it, but just breaks up the huge block? Why not have a play with it and see what looks best?

EDIT AGAIN: looking back again, and three looks ideal actually, as you could just split the 6 paragraphs 2/2/2 and it still keeps the tale flowing nicely!

 

Lysimachus

 

PC 9/40

Edited January 10, 2010 by Strike Captain Lysimachus

[Donkey Kong]

I love this feeling! No more "this goes against fluff" and more "well, you've made a grammar mistake here" or "this doesn't read as well as this would" :rolleyes: !

 

All the points you made have been corrected in the IA.

 

Thanks,

 

KHK

[Ferrus Manus]

Being severely picky now but...

 

The people of Klysium are close with the Astartes who frequent the world's cities,

Throughout the Homeworld section you use the word 'world.' For me it's slightly repetitive, so maybe swap some with planet.

 

A couple of places in the IA you talk about the 'Kraken' or even 'Kraken Helms' they should have a capitals, as should 'dreadnoughts' in the last paragraph of the homeworld.

 

A personal point, but in the GW IAs ship and fortress names are in italics to make them stand out. You could do this for the Solitary Abbey, but you don't have to it isn't necessary.

 

It is the duty of the Minuo to train recruits until they are fit to join the battle companies.

Needs a capital.

 

Also, 'The Tainted' sidebar overlaps onto the Combat Doctrine header, may want to sort that out. Just press enter a few times :rolleyes: Because you've split it into two sidebars I suggest naming the 'Tainted Part 1' and 'the Tainted Part 2' or some such.

 

In the Chapter Cult section you, correctly, put capitals on Klysian Warrior Houses but didn't earlier in the article - Homeworld section I think.

When marines first return to their battle barge,

Needs capitals.

The Chapter is proud of it's heritage, and it's purity.

No need for the apostrophes.

 

Iron Man Challenge: 6/20

Edited January 10, 2010 by Ferrus Manus

[Donkey Kong]

Grammar mistakes fixed, Battle Barge has been turned into vessel since it may very well be a Strike Cruiser and saying one or another doesn't sound quite as nice in my opinion.

 

Anyone just want to tear the IA up and present any errors you find?