Death Heads V5.0

[Donkey Kong]

I'm in the process of editing the IA, if there is anything anyone can point out that's inconsistent or they don't agree with, please do.

Six Captains are still short names, so suggestions are open for those.

 

Does the "First Company" organization proposed in the previous post make sense?

Hopefully the IA will be edited by the end of this weekend, please comment.

 

Thanks,

 

KHK

[Ace Debonair]

Sorry I haven't the time to do this whole IA justice right now.

 

However, one random thing struck me in regards to the fortress monastery.

Try this for random inspiration. :P

 

I heard mention of the abbey from Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver, and you said about how there might be potential there.

Ok, now for the random. ;) There's another game I have dabbled in called Ragnarok Online, which has a place called the Nameless Island, home to a monastery that is by night filled with undead monsters.

 

Perhaps the Fortress could take it's cue from that - officially having no name, but known to the natives of Klysium as the Nameless Island/Monastery/Abbey, a name to be spoken in hushed tones. Possibly, tying in with the superstitions stuff, saying it's real name could be unlucky - and therefore it is known as the Nameless Island/Monastery/Abbey.

 

Of course, this might be a terrible idea, so feel free to discard it. :P It's late at night, and I can't do any better right now.

 

 

The 1st company idea makes sense, more or less. You roughly mean, if I have it right, that all serving marines of sergeant rank or higher have served time in the 1st company. They then sort of always count as 1st company marines, alongside whatever company they're attached to. Right?

 

Also, the artwork is pretty good, by my estimation.

Beats the tar outta anything 40K-ish I could create, at any rate.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Ace Debonair

[Donkey Kong]

Try this for random inspiration. tongue.gif

 

Hmm, while I don't think naming the Fortress Monastery the "Nameless" is the best idea, I do like harking more on Klysian superstition, and the idea of a haunted island isn't half bad. Considering how the submerged plateaus used to be the bases for cities and the like, I imagine having a graveyard or monument once being on the island, which I will now affectionately call Fiddler's Green.

So . . . the Solitary Abbey is on the Fiddler's Green where all of the Chapter's reclaimed brothers are lain to rest.

I think I just stuck my nose in the proverbial book of taking a theme too far :unsure: . . . :teehee: !

 

You roughly mean, if I have it right, that all serving marines of sergeant rank or higher have served time in the 1st company. They then sort of always count as 1st company marines, alongside whatever company they're attached to. Right?

 

More or less. All "veteran sergeants" or "veterans" in the Companies have honors in the First Company, so they are members of their own Company and the First Company. For lack of better words, you hit the nail right on the head.

 

For the Chapter itself, I'm editing out the statement about squads in the First Company being made up exclusively of members from the same Company. Although, I'll take a little inspiration from Deathwing Master Belial, sergeants will use their Company heraldry in their own banners, honors to the closest brothers and all that.

[Ace Debonair]

Well, at least my sleep-derived brain got close to the mark for inspiraton. B)

 

I'm not sure why the Klysium people would call the island Fiddler's Green, though.

Don't let that stop you, by any means - but a good reason for it would certainly make it more convincing.

[Donkey Kong]

I was kidding with Fiddler's Green, although the idea of a party of sorts where the people never tire must be of interest to some Astartes.

 

I was honestly thinking of the "holy ground" before anything else when it came to the Plateau, the only trouble being that the world was found during the Horus Heresy when nothing was really "holy".

The graveyard of a hero doesn't make sense because the invasion was over quickly and no one was interested in digging a hole on a submerged rock. A monument or capitol wouldn't make sense because speaking from any "primitive" mindset, the more important the place, the higher you put it, in this case a capitol on a mountainside or mountain's peak.

 

I'd say that it would be the initial landing site of the Imperium when it came to Klysium, the question would be why, although I could use thins one and merely say it was where the meeting was held with the Imperium when the world was annexed.

 

:P

 

See what you've made me do, Ace? All this internal debate and such, it's going to kill me one of these days, until then . . . ;) !

[Ace Debonair]

I was honestly thinking of the "holy ground" before anything else when it came to the Plateau, the only trouble being that the world was found during the Horus Heresy when nothing was really "holy".

The graveyard of a hero doesn't make sense because the invasion was over quickly and no one was interested in digging a hole on a submerged rock. A monument or capitol wouldn't make sense because speaking from any "primitive" mindset, the more important the place, the higher you put it, in this case a capitol on a mountainside or mountain's peak.

 

I'd say that it would be the initial landing site of the Imperium when it came to Klysium, the question would be why, although I could use thins one and merely say it was where the meeting was held with the Imperium when the world was annexed.

 

;)

 

See what you've made me do, Ace? All this internal debate and such, it's going to kill me one of these days, until then . . . :P !

 

It's all part of my fiendish plan.

I just wish I could remember the other bits.

 

I'd go with "holy ground". It doesn't say anywhere that you have to stick with an old primitive place-name - the space marines themselves could spread the new name around, or the people could rename it simply because the fortress-monastery is there.

[Donkey Kong]

Not going to be an evil genius any time soon then, eh Ace :D ?

 

It's not the name that phases me as much as the reason for it being holy. It can't become holy after the Heresy, because then it's just a submerged plateau. It would have to have happened before the spread of the Imperial Truth, so after or during Old night. Suggestions as to why the area is holy?

[Ace Debonair]

Easy-peasy.

 

The name is spread by the Klysium people after the Death Heads arrive there.

The place is holy because the Emperor's space marines live there.

 

 

I'm pretty sure my evil genius credentials are in good order, incidentally.

My main problem is those four lousy kids and their pet dog. :)

[Donkey Kong]

:huh:

 

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Ace, are you proposing the land became holy because the Space Marines built their Fortress Monastery on it, so it became holy, so they built their Fortress Monastery on it (repeated to infinity)?

 

For lack of better words, man: Come on!

Admittedly, I salute you for a very good laugh ^_^ !

[Ace Debonair]

No no, I'm suggesting the Death Heads built their fortress monastery on a nice, defensible position, as per the dictates of common sense, and the superstitious people of Klysium took to calling it the holy ground.

It doesn't have to be holy beforehand - frankly that seems a little far-fetched. :tu:

 

Why not let the actual religious significance of The Emperor's angels of death come into play a bit?

Edited December 16, 2009 by Ace Debonair

[Donkey Kong]

Erm, it works, but it's not what I was aiming for. The order of events I'm trying to convey is:

 

Holy ground --> Flooded during the Horus Heresy --> Built by the Chapter --> Holy ground becomes renown for the Fortress Monastery instead of the previous version.

Would it work of an Orator was buried on it? Maybe someone who was talking about how wonderful the view on Klysium is?

 

After this, I have no idea where else to expand.

[Ace Debonair]

Oh, I see.

 

Unfortunately I have no idea how to make the place holy before the Death Heads set up camp there.

Perhaps there could have been a whacking great cathedral to the Emperor on that very spot, the ruins of which could be found by the Death Heads?

[Donkey Kong]

I've decided to revise the IA, as of now I've only rewritten the Origins Section.

Here is how it currently stands:

 

[MOVED TO LOWER POST]

 

The last paragraph has remained largely the same. The rest of it is almost completely rewritten.

 

Also, I've decided to have a little fun with the Chapter looking up names of women in mythology for names of Vessels in the Chapter's Fleet:

 

Fleet

Battle Barges

Nausicaa

 

Strike Cruisers

Hermione (II Company)(Destroyed)

Maman-Brigette (III Company)

(IV Company)

(V Company)

(VI Company)

(VII Company)

(VIII Company)

(IX Company)

(X Company)

 

These are ides for names for the other Strike Cruisers:

Calypso

Lyssa

 

Metis

Nymphadora

Oizys

Malophorus

Pallas

Pyrrha

Themis

Thetis

 

Most of the are Greek, Maman-Brigette comes from the Caribbean (no insult intended but :P , Caribbean mythological figures have really odd names, Maman being the only one I though would fit as the name for a Strike Cruiser).

 

Surprisingly, a lot of the Caribbean spirits made for some easy edits into Marine names, speaking of which I made a list of those too:

 

Aello

Agris Derii (First Chapter Master; Deceased)

Alika

Arcturo

Balthamo (I Company Veteran Sergeant)

Barssaud (I Company Veteran)

Barthello

Brisio

Duo

Enyo

Enzili

Erasmu

Filo (Captain of IV Company; Current)

Forn (I Company Veteran)

Isaaru

Jasso

Karkon

Laffiti (I Company Veteran)

Lusca

Luzzu

Moik (I Company Veteran)

Narrik (Captain of XI Company; Current)

Naama

Nemo (Chapter Master; Deceased)

Nikolo (I Company Veteran)

Ocypete

Pantilimon (I Company Veteran Sergeant)

Queequeg

Quorra (Captain of III Company; Current)

Rabanasta

Rezi

Roux (I Company Veteran)

Taggart (Captain of III Company; Deceased)

Tashtego

Tatton (I Company Veteran)

Thussaud (Last Captain of II Company; Deceased)

Tobulo (Chapter Master; Current)

Tolio

Xanthe

Yevo

 

Queequeg and Tashtego are both from Moby Dick, and Lusca is really an amazing creature (half giant octopus half eel/ shark).

So, working with these names, anyone want to suggest Captains just for the heck of it?

 

Thanks,

KHK

Edited January 19, 2010 by KingHongKong

[Donkey Kong]

Did some work on the Homeworld Section:

 

[MOVED TO LOWER POST]

 

The Klysian Octopus has been removed and replaced with something I think is a little more interesting.

 

Please comment on this post and the one above, thanks,

 

KHK

Edited December 25, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Ace Debonair]

Origins

S

anctioned and formed during the Ninth Founding from the gene stock of Roboute Gulliman and his Ultramarines, the Death Heads were charged with adding their strength to the unstable Segmentum Ultima. Based on the border between Ultima and Solar, the Chapter's Astartes have participated in conflicts throughout the Ultima against all manner of foes and bear countless trophies from their travels and victories.

 

 

:D Based from the same chapter as my Infinity Knights, from the same founding. I never noticed that before.

 

The Chapter's Fortress Monastery, The Solitary Abbey, is based on a submerged plateau in the world's large ocean. Piercing deep into the plateau, the Death Heads constructed an enormous system of catacombs. Within this network, every recovered brother is placed to rest. The sarcophagi of the Chapter's dreadnoughts lay beside them until the venerable brothers are called back into service. The Solitary Abbey is divided between common grounds and sections dedicated to each of the Chapter's companies, housing the companies' trophies and banners. The Solitary Abbey extend beyond the clouds, making the island visible for thousands of miles.

 

So... is it buried into the underwater plateau or sticking up into the sky, or even both?

I'm a little unsure. ;)

 

Other than that, very cool.

Very cool indeed. :P

[Donkey Kong]

Marry Christmas everyone!

 

Well, Ace, it's supposed to be both, guess I should edit my wording a bit, eh?

 

Any comment on the names in post 213?

 

I'll be editing more of the IA, so hopefully I can compare this version to the original and see how much I've improved.

 

Thanks,

 

KHK

 

EDIT:

 

I decided to compile the work on the new IA here for now:

 

EDIT: moved to second post.

Edited December 28, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Donkey Kong]

Fortress Monastery Paragraph has been edited:

 

The Chapter's Fortress Monastery, The Solitary Abbey, is based on a submerged plateau in the world's large ocean, penetrating deep into the ground and reaching beyond the clouds. Beneath the surface, the Death Heads constructed an enormous system of catacombs. Within this network, every recovered brother is placed to rest. The sarcophagi of the Chapter's dreadnoughts lay beside them until the venerable brothers are called back into service. The Solitary Abbey is divided between common grounds and sections dedicated to each of the Chapter's companies, housing the companies' trophies and banners. The height of the island's holy constructs allows the Solitary Abbey to be identified thousands of miles away.

 

Just a few sentences added, so, what do you all think? Also, anyone still willing to reply to post 213 would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

KHK

 

EDIT: I've added the Chapter Organization to the post above. The Chaplain paragraph has been removed because a majority of it is arbitrary, the only important section being on Honor Duels which belongs in the Chapter Cult. I also removed the statement on Librarians being prohibited from leading a strike force simply because I thought it was silly.

 

Any comments are welcome,

 

KHK

Edited December 25, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Ace Debonair]

Marry Christmas everyone!

 

Marry Christmas, buddy. :jaw:

 

 

The names are good - I might put a sergeant Aello under Filo's command in the Gehenna campaign.

Also I suggest the Filo's strike cruiser be the Lyssa, simply because I like the sound of the name. :)

 

The new organization is good, and I like the altered section about the librarians.

Very cool.

Not to be a bother, but is there any chance you could give my new, improved IA: Red Lords a quick look-over?

I'm sure there's mistakes in there, but danged if I can spot 'em.

Edited December 26, 2009 by Ace Debonair

[Donkey Kong]

Thank you, Ace :P .

 

How is the new Fortress Monastery paragraph?

 

Nausicaa: burner of ships

 

Calypso: she who hides

Hermione: messenger; earthly

Lyssa: goddess of rage

Maman-Brigette: goddess of love and death

Metis: goddess of wisdom and deep thought

Nymphadora: gift of the nymphs

Oizys: goddess of distress, worry and anxiety

Malophorus: goddess of the underworld

Pallas: maiden

Pyrrha: fiery red

Themis: goddess of divine justice and law

Thetis: disposer

 

I think Maman-Brigette will be the name of Third Company's Strike Cruiser

 

I'll be sure to check out the Red Lords, Ace.

 

Thanks,

 

KHK

Edited January 6, 2010 by KingHongKong

[Donkey Kong]

Next section. I think it still needs a little expanding, but please comment. In the IA this is one of the weakest sections, so I hope to improve it.

 

EDIT: moved to second post.

 

Feel free to comment on names of Ships and Captains.

 

Thanks,

 

KHK

Edited December 28, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Donkey Kong]

The IA in progress has been moved to the second post, please comment.

 

KHK

Edited December 28, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Donkey Kong]

The IA in the second post has been edited.

 

As of now the Combat Doctrine and Gene-Seed still needs to be expanded, I don't really have any ideas to go with them, though.

There's still the question about names, but that is secondary to the IA, please continue to comment, though.

 

All comments are more than welcome,

KHK

Edited December 29, 2009 by KingHongKong

[Donkey Kong]

A few more edits have been made to the work in progress IA in post 2.

 

Please comment,

KHK

[Donkey Kong]

The IA in progress has been moved to the opening post. The previous version is in the second post.

Any comments on the new IA, previous IA, names or just the Chapter in general are more than welcome.

 

Thanks,

KHK

[Nine_Breaker]

Alrighty, since I just lost a good potion of my post I’ll skip all the formalities. I like this chapter and think it has potential to be a really good one with some tightening up. I read both the 1st and 2nd posts to put things in perspective, but I’ll be limiting my comments to the WIP IA in the 1st post.

 

Let’s get to work!

 

Origins:

The first Chapter Master of the Death Heads was the Silver Skull Agris Derii. A venerable Astartes and masterful tactician, he knew the fear the Emperor's Angels of Death invoked in the enemies of the Imperium and championed terrorist activities.

I definitely think that “psychological warfare” would be better suited here. It might just be me but the word ‘terrorist’ to me makes brings up images of the marines, well, terrorizing innocents with brutality instead of using meticulous planning to turn the enemy combatants’ fear against them.

 

Homeworld:

Whether a creation of the heretical powers, or simple evolutionary adaptations,

I understand that the bolded part probably means these things might have originated from the warp. However “heretical powers” doesn’t always refer to Chaos. It might mean that Xenos were involved, or anything else that doesn’t really fit with the Imperial Creed (Pagan rogue trader brought it in? Heretical!). Perhaps ‘Malefic’, ‘Warp-spawned’, ‘daemonic’, or something along that line of thought would be better for what you want to get across?

 

The sarcophagi of the Chapter's dreadnoughts lay beside them until the venerable brothers are called back into service.

Using “them” in this sentence is a little ambiguous. My first read through I had to double back because I thought you were saying the dreads lay beside the catacombs. Of course it was easy to figure out what you meant, but you don’t want anybody to have to do that right? Perhaps change “them” to “their deceased/fallen comrades” or something like that?

 

The height of the island's holy constructs allows the Solitary Abbey to be identified thousands of miles away.

This part seems very far-fetched to me. It might be possible, but right now I’m thinking to myself “I live in North Carolina. Would I be able to see anything in California even if it was flipping ginormous?” That’s about 2,500 miles away and my mind immediately tells me, “not a chance between heaven and hell.” Perhaps the scale of this place this fortress monastery should be scaled down to make it easier to swallow?

 

Organization:

Following the Klysian warrior houses, each of the companies operates as an independent force, organized as a standard codex battle company, with its own attached neophytes and veterans.

It is the duty of the Minuo to train recruits until they are fit to join the battle companies.

I’m sensing some inconsistency here. At first I thought that each battle company has its own recruits and scouts. But then it seems that all the new guys train on-world with the Minuo. This definitely needs some clarification. It might help to make the distinction between recruits, initiates, and neophytes (you use all three of these words at one point or another).

 

Few veterans honor the position [Lord Minuo], comparing it to isolation and inprisonment.

This doesn’t sit right with me. I understand spending 100 years away from battle would suck, but I still feel like an Astartes would consider this a huge honor! They are being entrusted with the very future of the chapter as much as any apothecaries. Not to mention that this council of chaplains and librarians is basically voting this veteran better suited to train the recruits than any of his peers. Not saying you need to change this part, but I feel like the magnitude of the task this Lord Minuo has been entrusted with isn’t really considered.

 

The Librarians' color of office has led them to be deemed unlucky by many Death Heads who follow the Klysian superstitions, although few have questioned their reliability.

Why don’t they just change the color? The Death Heads already deviate pretty far from the Codex Astartes, why not paint their librarians in any other color if blue is such bad luck? Everybody knows that an unlucky psyker is about 100x worse than an unlucky…anything else.

 

the Death Heads have modified the method of advancement. Initiates begin fighting in the Assault Squads before progressing onto the Devastator and then Tactical Squads.

Why?

 

Combat Doctrine:

Before dedicating larger forces to worlds, smaller squads of neophytes led by volunteer veterans will lead sabotage campaigns, devastating the enemy's leadership and morale through a series of assassinations and demolition operations.

I think saying “sabotage” would be better than “demolition” in this case. Blowing stuff up isn’t always the best way of doing things. In the same vein, “sabotage missions” doesn’t really equal “assassination”. Perhaps words like “psychological warfare”, “disruption”, “confusion”, and the like should be considered?

 

In battle, the Death Heads fight in accordance with the Codex Astartes, their fervor matching their gene fathers, the Ultramarines.

The Ultramarines aren’t known for fighting with any abnormal ‘fervor’. They are known for execution, tactical flexibility, and codex adherence.

 

Against their proud nature, Death Heads make extensive use of camouflage, for the Chapter there is nothing for [more?] terrifying than an invisible enemy.

I don’t particularly like this part. Perhaps it should say “for the enemy”? I’m not sure as far as wording goes. But Astartes know no fear. This reads like: for the Death Heads, an invisible enemy is the most terrifying? I believe you mean to say that the Death Heads understand that for the enemy an invisible enemy is the most terrifying.

 

Chapter Cult:

This tradition was adopted from the Emperor's foes to serve the same purpose.

Heresy! Adopting practices from the Emperor’s foes? Wouldn’t it sound a bit better if they adopted these practices from the warrior houses of Klysian? Also, what is this “same purpose”? I don’t understand if the trinkets are to inspire fear, for good luck, both, or something else entirely…

 

The Chapter's Honor Duels are simple…

This was kind of abrupt. There was no mention of any kind of duel or why they would even have duels until you just jump right into the deep end of it all.

 

It is not uncommon for venerable marines to amass enormous hordes, rivaling the size of some chapter's company relic collections.

I’d personally keep that bolded part off. A company is around for thousands of years and probably has huge halls dedicated to all sorts of relics and trophies. This part is hard to swallow. Also…where on earth would they keep all this stuff? You have 100 veterans plus vet. sergeants, captains, chaplains, librarians, chapter master, etc. If half of them had the amount of crap you describe then the whole chapter would be tripping over xenos skulls every time they got up at night to use the bathroom (metaphorically).

 

 

 

 

Well that's about all I got time for now and anythign I can say about the IA itself. Next time I'll hopefully get to discuss the thematic side of the Deaths Heads.