Zanrian Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 Finally. I made it through 27 pages of intense story lines and strange ideas. First of all let me congratulate you on being able to not only break all the rules of Fluff, but trampling them completely into the ground. Now, don't get me wrong here, Calgar. You're doing it in style and in such a way that I had no other choice but to continue reading on. And since I'm a great follower of the "true" fluff, the way that you have caught and dragged me into your vision of the 40k-universe is nothing but impressive. Right now I'm way too tired to even begin giving you comments on gramatic, spelling or story hooks, but if you permit, I'll collect all of your chapter into a single word document and give it my once-over. Keep up the good work and know that only you can decide what is the right way of writing, since you're the author and teller of your vision. It may not sit well with all, but that is not the reason you should be writing fore. It's your own enjoyment that counts the most. P.S. More of Russ being smacked in the back of his head by his brothers. (Somehow I envisioned Russ being somewhat of Denozzo from the NCIS series getting smacked for putting his foot in his mouth) :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2418078 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Share Posted May 30, 2010 Thanks Zan! Wow Denozzo... thats well strange as me, my neighbours and family were joking about that tonight... I've had a hard weekend as some one close had died and so not up to write, i am sorry guys. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2418098 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 Take your time, mate. If something like that's happened, then no-one expects anything off of you :huh: Sorry for your loss :o Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2418491 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 4, 2010 Author Share Posted June 4, 2010 Thank you Skirax. Here is a small preview.. been hard getting back into the stride. The Governor sat on his white marble throne. How could any one demand a meeting with him? He was the ruler of five planets, he ruled over billions of humans, a vast war fleet of ships his to command and yet some stranger. Signs of his position of power and wealth littered his ‘office’ if that’s what you could call it. Displays of opulence were every where, vast statues of gold, clothes of the finest materials lay strewn across the floor, many portraits lined the marble walls; many were of the Governor himself. He sat sprawled on his throne, like a fat slug; his belly barely kept in check by his shirt. Servants and menials dotted the huge room, waiting silently and still for their masters every needs. “Lord Governor Tertian, Master of the Ryes system, Shield of the Emperor, there is some one here claiming they have an appointment with you” a servant announced, trying to regain his breath. “Send him in and be gone, you are disturbing me slave” growled the Governor, waving his hand. A lone robed figure, clutching a gnarled staff came limping towards the Governor. A faint golden glow came from with in the figures hood. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2423702 Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeseychaoslord Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 ^_^ ;) Wow this is epic stuff, im totally hooked. I wish id seenthis thread sooner, then i could have entered the comp. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2424968 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Finished reading the 28 pages... took me a while :lol: You have defintely improved your style over this time... and whilst I'm not particularly fond of some of the exagerations (yep, at some points it was like COME ONNNNNNNNN), at least you are consistent! hehe Hopefully you are feeling more in the mood now and will be able to deliver more interesting stuff :wub: How about carrying on with The Lion? ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2426713 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 Thank you for the comments, i do digest them and appreciate them :devil: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2426975 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 No, that's long enough! An epic saga compared to my chapters, eh? :devil: Very good, nice to see you back. It seems a little rushed in some places, and I also think that Tertain should be a lot more awestruck; until this point, the Emperor was a being of myth to him, so he should be almost crying if you get my drift. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2426994 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 Haha the chapters fine trust me. Fools!!! Hehe sorry. More tomorrow. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427003 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Warning: criticism ahead! The chapter/teaser was... a bit of a let down. Maybe its just me, but it looks a bit simple and maybe even obvious... BUT!! I will wait until it is finished to deliver my veredict (putting a straight face and smiling 'cuz he can't keep it). Who in the world thinks a fat slug can even try to stab a Primarch! We'll see, we'll see... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427138 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 It was a bit boringybe but i need to do chapters like this every now and then. Tan i think you're the only one who gets it, if you get it at all :yes: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427150 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 I get it know! :yes: But still, I think he should be more awestruck, since he thinks he's seeing the Emperor. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427159 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 cal, I'm positive you have many readers who enjoy your story but don't post. That is a fact... I have a post at WIP with 1500+ views and not that many posts xD Anyhow, I'm impressed by the quantity of your work... don't know how you find time! Just remember: The Lion has NOT had his share... and we are the first Legion after all...do not make us go over to your place... :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427299 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 I know 5k views but i like people to post otherwise i feel... empty :) Actually if im in the mood i can right a chapter easily, i dont really plan much i just think of an idea and then type it up. The Lion has had one chapter, im just trying to get the reamaining Primarchs to have one, im trying to get the main plot rolling. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427310 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Amen to Calgar's wyrds. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427334 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 Proper chapter up now. Enjoy and C&C always welcome! The Governor sat on his white marble throne. How could any one demand a meeting with him? He was the ruler of five planets, he ruled over billions of humans, a vast war fleet of ships his to command and yet some stranger turned up out of no where and had made demands to see him. Signs of his position of power and wealth littered his ‘office’ if that’s what you could call it. Displays of opulence were every where, vast statues of gold, clothes of the finest materials lay strewn across the floor, many portraits lined the marble walls; many were of the Governor himself. He sat sprawled on his throne, like a fat slug; his belly barely kept in check by his shirt. Servants and menials dotted the huge room, waiting silently and still for their masters every needs. “Lord Governor Tertian, Master of the Ryes system, Shield of the Emperor, there is some one here claiming they have an appointment with you” a servant announced, trying to regain his breath. Tertian looked at the slave as if he was some dirt on his shoe, his eyes filled with disgust. “Send him in and be gone, you are disturbing me slave” growled the Governor, waving his hand. A lone robed figure, clutching a gnarled staff came limping towards the Governor. A faint golden glow came from with in the figures hood. Governor Tertian wheezed as he struggled to shift forwards in his throne, his short flabby arms having long ago lost their strength. “Who dares rouses me from my slumber?” Tertian cried out in a grump, spittle flew like missiles across the room. Those that neared the stranger evaporated instantly. “I, the Emperor of Mankind” the robed figure replied. In a display of dazzling green light the Emperors staff and robes vanished to reveal his golden armoured form. Tertian struggled to keep his gaze on the Emperor; he had to keep looking away but was drawn to him. It was as if his mind was too inferior to behold the Emperors image for longer than a few seconds. “My Sire, what brings you to my humble palace?” Tertian asked, all arrogance had left his voice. For now he was but the humble servant in the presence of his glorious master. “I have a task for you, one that requires your full attention, it will be no mean feat but should you succeed great power and rewards await you Tertian” The Governors eyes lit up. The Emperor smirked. “Yes, of course my Emperor. What is it that you require me to do?” “In a week or so from now, a fleet will enter your system. It will be a fleet of the Death Guard legion and Mortarion, he has failed me and I cannot allow failures to live; a man of your stature and power understands this, does he not?” The Emperor continued to smirk as he manipulated Tertian so easily, he enjoyed these games. “Yes my lord, I.. I will ensure their destruction”. The Emperor laughed silently, the pathetic worm wasn’t even questioning his orders. This was too easy a game, he liked a challenge and would have to find some other sport later. “Good, if you fail me you will have wished you had never lived” warned the Emperor. Tertian felt fear for the first time in his life, like a slab of rockcrete the feeling hit him. “I w wont fail my lord. Not to question you but how am I expected to kill a being such as Mortarion?” Tertian asked, struggling to keep his fear from consuming him. The Emperor smiled and produced a small green orb in his right palm. Two silver spikes began to emerge from either side and extend. After a short period of time the Emperor was holding a large silver staff; the blade at the top was glowing a sickly green. Tertian looked at the weapon with a mixture of emotions, not understanding what it was. “Stab him with this”. The Emperor commanded in a more forceful tone. The Governor grasped it with his podgy fingers, he was like an excited child as he examined the blade. “Which forge world produced this? I bet it was Quartina, yes they produce such fine and advanced weapons.” Tertian asked gleefully, sub consciously name dropping as a display of his status and power. “No human hand made that” laughed the Emperor, “I fashioned it myself, can you not feel the power that resides within?” he finished. “Yes I can master, how thoughtless of me. Of course only a powerful god such as you could have made a weapon so perfect to the eye and deadly” the Governor complimented the Master of Mankind, not wishing to offend him. “You will muster ever civilian on these planets and arm them. For when Mortarion and his pathetic legion realise they are under attack they will make planet fall. You are to kill Mortarion and wipe out his legion. Understand me?” “Yes my lord, I will not fail you” replied the Governor making the sign of the Aquila across his chest. Even as the green mist appeared and enveloped the Emperor and he vanished his smirk till remained in Tertian’s mind. The image seemed to be burned upon his retinas; it was an image that would haunt him for the rest of his days, however long they may be. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427380 Share on other sites More sharing options...
astartes88 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 by God man its the deciever for sure Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427389 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted June 8, 2010 Share Posted June 8, 2010 My bolter shells (no money involved :tu:) are on Daddy Pestilence... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427800 Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeseychaoslord Posted June 8, 2010 Share Posted June 8, 2010 The Governor sat on his white marble throne. How could any one demand a meeting with him? He was the ruler of five planets, he ruled over billions of humans, a vast war fleet of ships his to command and yet some stranger demand one. Thats the only mistake I could find. Its epic as ever. :tu: Thats can't be the Emperor, or can it be? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427805 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 8, 2010 Author Share Posted June 8, 2010 Thanks cheesey the mistake is corrected. Thanks for your comments guys we'll soon see wont we? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2427935 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Will be posting a chapter tomorrow :) Small teaser- boring i know :P Over a dozen ships appeared where moments before there was just empty space. Incandescent energies raged against the ships hulls, the bolt gun surface reflecting the light of the Warp. For moments the raging turmoil that is the Sea of Souls and host of other names threatened to spill into real space, trying to use the rare opportunity where both realms co-exist. The lead ship of the flotilla dwarfed all others, the Terminus Est was surrounded by ‘smaller’ cruisers and battle barges; even as the fleet moved towards the systems more frigate class ships began to translate into space their hulls coloured a navy blue, the Aquila easily visible too. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2440014 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 2, 2010 Author Share Posted July 2, 2010 Havent posted anything in ages and not sure if i will... I think this story is over, sorry to say :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2452343 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 This is like Ullanor all over again... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2452594 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 Im unsure what that comment means Skirax :P Anyways feeling more in a writing mood so heres a preview if any ones still interested. Over a dozen ships appeared where moments before there was just empty space. Incandescent energies raged against the ships hulls, the bolt gun surface reflecting the light of the Warp. For moments the raging turmoil that is the Sea of Souls and host of other names threatened to spill into real space, trying to use the rare opportunity where both realms co-exist. The lead ship of the flotilla dwarfed all others, the Terminus Est was surrounded by ‘smaller’ cruisers and battle barges; even as the fleet moved towards the systems more frigate class ships began to translate into space their hulls coloured a navy blue, the Aquila easily visible too. “Lord Admiral a large fleet has entered space on the rim of the system” “Who does the fleet belong to? What class of ships?” a man barked back, he wore a long grey over coat with several medals pinned to it, his aged face showing no expression. “The fleet is from the Death Guard Legion Sir. At its head is the Capital ship of Mortarion himself”- the Navy Officer spoke the Primarchs name with awe and fear- “The Terminus Est. The rest of the fleet is composed up of a dozen or so Battleships of various design, 3 battle barges, 32 Cruisers and 64 frigates” the Officer finished listing off the ship designs. “Order battle fleet Tertian’s Fist to intercept and engage them now and have battle fleet Wrath of Tertian to stay out of scanner range on the other side of the planet” commanded the Admiral. “Have all orbital and ground installations to fire once within range, we will destroy these traitors”. “Commander Calas a fleet approaches and our scanners have picked up another fleets movements, what are your orders?” A huge Astarte turned to face the console, his horned helm giving him a menacing appearance, “Why they seem to be taking on a loose battle formation eludes me.. Have you hailed them and used the proper codes?” Calas’s voice was like gravel and exuded power and authority. “What are your issues Commander? Shall we inform your Lord Primarch?” the Navy officer asked. “Mortarion is not to be disturbed, I will deal with this. Signal to the fleet to prepare for combat, seek to cripple them fast and show no mercy” Calas grimly ordered. Thanks and i hope you enjoy it. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2455272 Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 :P good job Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/188926-rise-of-the-imperium-formely-rise-of-the-emperor/page/28/#findComment-2455282 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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