IA: The Stonebound

[Ace Debonair]

I've added some quotes to the IA, hopefully infusing the text with the sparkling zest of personality and character.

And now I can stop acting like I'm cooking instead of writing.

[Messor]

The new quotes work great by me. I think I'll follow Octavulg's advice and your example and see if I can't push my projects along with some meaty character like this.

 

About your Inquisitors one simple thing that could make them more of a real threat would be a simple ultimatum, coming from them rather than the Chapter. "Look, Marines, you've got two choices..." At the moment, the Stonebound just sound bored, "Ugh, I would undertake a freaking crusade of penance to get out of this stupid trial!" True to their defensive nature(or planting the first seed for it), the Crusade is taken to keep their worlds/people safe. I also wonder what brings the Inquisitors that are on the Stonebound's side. Them coming with the accusing Inquisitors(from who knows where), just to stick up for the Stonebound, it's like a strange traveling defense and prosecution. It make more sense for the Inquisitors who side with the Chapter to already have been in the vicinity, sort of local folks, perhaps aided by the Chapter at one time or another. That could also easily account for the difference in number of friendly vs. hostile Inquisitors.

[Ace Debonair]

About your Inquisitors one simple thing that could make them more of a real threat would be a simple ultimatum, coming from them rather than the Chapter. "Look, Marines, you've got two choices..." At the moment, the Stonebound just sound bored, "Ugh, I would undertake a freaking crusade of penance to get out of this stupid trial!"

Aha, that's it! That's what's dumb about that section!

I knew something was wrong with it, but I couldn't quite see what.

Having the Stonebound go 'so why not a pentitent crusade' It's like a mouse offering to help set the mousetrap, and basically an offence against common sense.

I also wonder what brings the Inquisitors that are on the Stonebound's side. Them coming with the accusing Inquisitors(from who knows where), just to stick up for the Stonebound, it's like a strange traveling defense and prosecution. It make more sense for the Inquisitors who side with the Chapter to already have been in the vicinity, sort of local folks, perhaps aided by the Chapter at one time or another. That could also easily account for the difference in number of friendly vs. hostile Inquisitors.

Yup, that makes loads more sense.

EDIT:

Also, consider the first post edited to reflect the addition of common sense ideas.

[Messor]

Update flows much better, though you've got a sentence structure issue on your tail: And so, as time wore on, more Inquisitors were either swayed to the side of the accusers.

 

Either...or...?

[Octavulg]

"Time may have altered our place in this galaxy, but our duty remains unchanged. We will stay true to His ideals." - Chapter Master Dhorin Ironshield.

A good quote will send chills down my spine or inspire me. The level of apathy that filled my heart on reading this one is truly impressive.

"What glorious day was ever brighter? In His name, let all days be so, from now until evermore." - Chapter Master Bhasar Khan

Brightness? How un-Dwarven.

 

More to the point - no context. Also, no real introduction to events. You don't explain when they were founded.

Ka-Zil was situated in Segmentum Pacificus, close to the borders between Segmenta Tempestus and Solar. From here The Stonebound launched several lightning raids against nearby Ork territories, striking with a combination of relentless agression and blinding quickness.

I think explaining why they're called the Stonebound would be a good idea. They ARE White Scars successors, after all. It's an odd name for them.

As the Stonebound liberated world after world in the Emperor's name, reclaiming them for humanity, they discovered other worlds that could supply recruits. The Stonebound struck covenants with planetary governors, allowing the Chapter to establish keeps and take a small number of viable recruits every two decades or in times of great need.

It occurs to me that this is somewhat out of character for the White Scars. Look at what they did on Chogoris - they tore down an empire, but never built a new one. Keeps seem inappropriate.

"Ka-zil was the jewel of the sector. But Kagara, it seems, has become the foundation stone." - Sage Varkand Flamebeard

This is a much better quote.

In a peculiar twist, however, the rock of Kagara has exceptional heat absorbtion and retention properties, making living in the underground during the bitter winters a viable, even desirable alternative to the hostile surface.

Look at this. Consider that we have mines 4km deep. Then lose this paragraph as unnecessary.

While those who that realm had wrought

Would wither, die and be forgot.

"While those for whom his cause had fought" would probably work better.

And with help of Chaos tore apart

Try "and foulest Chaos took their part".

Had destroyed all that they kept

Try "Destroyed all that they had kept".

To escape the wrath of Space Marine

Who sought and cleansed out the unclean

Lose these two lines.

"We will continue in our duty, but it would be foolish not to learn from our mistakes." Captain Tagarn Strongarm, Third Company.

Un-dwarven, un-Space Marine and uninteresting.

 

This section feels quite disjointed.

"Ka-zil taught us the Khan's ways of warfare. Kagara has taught us our own. Diligence is a greater virtue than haste." Brother Zelek Stonehewer

The last bit alone is an excellent quote. The first bits add little.

"The glories of our past may fade, but our axes are still sharp." - Captain Dain Brightaxe, First Company

I'd say "remain" over "are still". Or "have faded" over "fade". Consistency of tense.

The Stonebound's geneseed is stable, and considered almost as pristine as that of the White Scars themselves, with no noteworthy mutations or flaws.

Except for the ferocity that has become part of the geneseed...

 

* * *

 

Not sure about the whole penitent crusade tactics-change process. It just feels off somehow.

 

I'll ponder further.

 

What are you particularly trying to do with this draft?

 

EDIT: Damn you for updating. I'll go over it again tomorrow.

[Messor]

XD Octavulg, you're the one who told him to remove the 'had' in 'had kept' in the first place. Keep your screws tight, man!

[Ace Debonair]

Update flows much better, though you've got a sentence structure issue on your tail: And so, as time wore on, more Inquisitors were either swayed to the side of the accusers.

Either...or...?

Oooops.

Didn't quite finish editing that sentence, it seems.

"Time may have altered our place in this galaxy, but our duty remains unchanged. We will stay true to His ideals." - Chapter Master Dhorin Ironshield.

A good quote will send chills down my spine or inspire me. The level of apathy that filled my heart on reading this one is truly impressive.

I'll be honest, I was more concerned with getting the character's names down while I still had them in my head.

I'll come back to that one, though, since it's still really the last thing on the list.

"What glorious day was ever brighter? In His name, let all days be so, from now until evermore." - Chapter Master Bhasar Khan

Brightness? How un-Dwarven.

More to the point - no context. Also, no real introduction to events. You don't explain when they were founded.

That's... really odd, it seems somewhere down the road my first paragraph was eaten by the computer.

Easily fixed, at any rate.

As for the quote, I wanted something that hinted at how glorious their earlier years were. Also Bhasar Khan won't have been dwarvish, because he's still basically a White Scar.

The irony being that I'm 80% sure you'd have called me out on making him more dwarvish in the quotes too.

Ka-Zil was situated in Segmentum Pacificus, close to the borders between Segmenta Tempestus and Solar. From here The Stonebound launched several lightning raids against nearby Ork territories, striking with a combination of relentless agression and blinding quickness.

I think explaining why they're called the Stonebound would be a good idea. They ARE White Scars successors, after all. It's an odd name for them.

I don't really have a good reason for the name, is the issue.

Using something from their homeworld's native tongue seems a bit off. It's not like they'd grow attached to them so quickly.

As the Stonebound liberated world after world in the Emperor's name, reclaiming them for humanity, they discovered other worlds that could supply recruits. The Stonebound struck covenants with planetary governors, allowing the Chapter to establish keeps and take a small number of viable recruits every two decades or in times of great need.

It occurs to me that this is somewhat out of character for the White Scars. Look at what they did on Chogoris - they tore down an empire, but never built a new one. Keeps seem inappropriate.

It's sort of hard to have a fallen-empire-dying-race feel without having something to diminish, though.

To the point though, almost everything dwarven is out of character for the White Scars. Maybe it's not what Jaghatai Khan would have done, but I'm not entirely sure why the keeps are a problem - At some point in the IA I've got to start actually writing about the Stonebound, right?

Look at this. Consider that we have mines 4km deep. Then lose this paragraph as unnecessary.

Righto.

While those who that realm had wrought

Would wither, die and be forgot.

"While those for whom his cause had fought" would probably work better.

>And with help of Chaos tore apart

Try "and foulest Chaos took their part".

Had destroyed all that they kept

Try "Destroyed all that they had kept".

To escape the wrath of Space Marine

Who sought and cleansed out the unclean

Lose these two lines.

Righto again.

"We will continue in our duty, but it would be foolish not to learn from our mistakes." Captain Tagarn Strongarm, Third Company.

Un-dwarven, un-Space Marine and uninteresting.

This section feels quite disjointed.

I sometimes read the whole article and think that.

Seriously though, I'll try and polish it into something more readable.

"Ka-zil taught us the Khan's ways of warfare. Kagara has taught us our own. Diligence is a greater virtue than haste." Brother Zelek Stonehewer

The last bit alone is an excellent quote. The first bits add little.

Actually, that is better as just the last bit.

"The glories of our past may fade, but our axes are still sharp." - Captain Dain Brightaxe, First Company

I'd say "remain" over "are still". Or "have faded" over "fade". Consistency of tense.

Again, remain works much better.

This is what happens when I start trying for catchy quotes after 10pm though.

The Stonebound's geneseed is stable, and considered almost as pristine as that of the White Scars themselves, with no noteworthy mutations or flaws.

Except for the ferocity that has become part of the geneseed...

Oh yeah, except that.

Not sure about the whole penitent crusade tactics-change process. It just feels off somehow.

I'll ponder further.

What are you particularly trying to do with this draft?

EDIT: Damn you for updating. I'll go over it again tomorrow.

Damned if you update, damned if you don't...

What am I trying to do with this draft? Hopefully finish this thrice-cursed Chapter, that's what.

Essentially, I want to spend less of the IA going "is this bit dwarfy enough? Is this bit 'Scars-y enough?", 'cause I am rubbish at trying to balance the two character archetypes, and do something I'm actually (in the broadest sense) good at, namely telling a story.

EDIT:

As of right now, I'm actually not at all sure what I want from this Chapter. Again.

I mostly wanted to not write the same damn thing another sixteen times, I guess.

[NightrawenII]

Eeerm, Ace.

I have read it and, to put it charitably, I'm not overly impressed. There is a lot of premises, which don't work the way they are portrayed in the article.

 

So in order:

#1 The Keeps.

That's common practise for fleet-based Chapters. But these aren't tied to one area of space nor own a homeworld. That's not case of the Stonebound though, in fact you make it even more gimmicky in the first chapter, when you talk about Ka-zil. Moreover this Chapter is basically offshoot of Space steppe-nomads. Those people aren't exactly well-known for building forts. (Although, the capital of Parthian Empire changed its location every so often and Mongol Empire had fractured into four khanates.)

 

#2 Charge of Treason

Seriously? You think the Inquisition will come to you to start argument? Like hell they will do that. Inquisition threatens, extorts or excommunicates and answers to no one. Yes, excommunication of Chapter is big deal, but it's not that big deal. So if the Inquistion was in serious mode, and felt nice and warm inside, they would send you on Penitent Crusade right off the bat, no arguing here.

 

#3 Reassigment of Planets

Fail. Unless I have missed something in the text, the Stonebound had no control, administrative or political, over these planets in the first place. Goverment of planets falls in the hands of Adeptus Administratum. So what the Inquistion is doing is missing the mark altogether... and the Stonebound will be in charge of these planets anyway since neither Admech or Ecclesiarchy are supposed to defend the Imperium of Man.

 

*+*+*+*

 

Beyond that, not much to comment at the moment. NightrawenII

[Ace Debonair]

Eeerm, Ace.

I have read it and, to put it charitably, I'm not overly impressed. There is a lot of premises, which don't work the way they are portrayed in the article.

Aww crap, I'm for it now.

So in order:

#1 The Keeps.

That's common practise for fleet-based Chapters. But these aren't tied to one area of space nor own a homeworld. That's not case of the Stonebound though, in fact you make it even more gimmicky in the first chapter, when you talk about Ka-zil. Moreover this Chapter is basically offshoot of Space steppe-nomads. Those people aren't exactly well-known for building forts. (Although, the capital of Parthian Empire changed its location every so often and Mongol Empire had fractured into four khanates.)

Hmmm.

Put like that, I suppose that really does need a rethink.

At the very least I suspect I'm trying to add the dwarfy feel to the chapter too early in their history.

Maybe they could start as a fleet-based chapter, but I'm not sure that's actually too clever of an idea either.

Hmm. I will have to think for a while about this one, can't come up with a quick and easy solution.

EDIT:

Blimey, I'm really stumped. I don't know how to build any sort of empire for my later 'fallen empire' storyline in such a way that makes sense for White Scars successors.

Back to the drawing board for me, I suspect.

EDIT EDIT:

After further reflection, I could drop the keeps and simply have them recruit occasionally from a bunch of different worlds. Then I can still have the inquisitors later forbid the use of those worlds as recruitment grounds. It keeps the 'fallen empire' story alive and should, in theory, sidestep getting too dwarf-y before their time.

~Any opinions on the above as an idea would be greatly appreciated, because for once I really don't feel like leaping into action again before I have a sensible plan.~

#2 Charge of Treason

Seriously? You think the Inquisition will come to you to start argument? Like hell they will do that. Inquisition threatens, extorts or excommunicates and answers to no one. Yes, excommunication of Chapter is big deal, but it's not that big deal. So if the Inquistion was in serious mode, and felt nice and warm inside, they would send you on Penitent Crusade right off the bat, no arguing here.

I'm not sure I've understood what you're saying here. But broadly speaking, yes, I expect the Inquisitiors would turn up in person and menace the Stonebound.

I haven't any idea how they're meant to adress the chapter seriously if they don't talk to them face-to-face, actually. Write them a nasty letter?

The Inquisition would surely have no qualms about turning up and arguing with the Stonebound, because, as you yourself said, they don't answer to anyone. And the Stonebound can't exactly tell them to push off, because that'd only make things worse for them.

You're right about them calling for the Penitent Crusade waaay sooner though, that makes a lot more sense. Not sure what I was thinking there.

I've edited the time it takes down from a decade to a month, that seems plenty long enough for the Inquisitors to argue about the sentence before pulling the trigger.

And I'll have a bash at making the Inquisitors more 'no-nonsense' as soon as I figure out a good way of doing so.

#3 Reassigment of Planets

Fail. Unless I have missed something in the text, the Stonebound had no control, administrative or political, over these planets in the first place. Goverment of planets falls in the hands of Adeptus Administratum. So what the Inquistion is doing is missing the mark altogether... and the Stonebound will be in charge of these planets anyway since neither Admech or Ecclesiarchy are supposed to defend the Imperium of Man.

Yep, I've made a total mess of that section.

I meant to make it plainer that all these measures are taken to stop the Stonebound from recruiting anywhere but the one world they have left.

Don't honestly know how I turned 'recruitment rights' into 'control of the planet'.

I don't need to drag the other factions in either, do I. That's just a hold-over from another draft.

So, I've edited that section and hopefully it makes a bit more sense now.

If not, or if the whole idea is still just plain dumb, I can try something else.

Beyond that, not much to comment at the moment. NightrawenII

I don't know if that means the rest of it isn't totally terrible, or it's too terrible to even address, but thanks either way.

You've certainly given me plenty to think about, that's for sure!

I suddenly suspect my new 'fallen empire' sort of storyline is going to be as much of a headache as the old IA was.

On the other hand it's still better than re-writing the old one for the twenty-third time, so... I dunno.

EDIT:

In other news, my sidebar's broke again, and I can't seem to fix it.

I'd forgotten just how darn hard working on these guys was, too, but it's starting to come back to me.

I'll have to take some time to come up with a decent way around the problems with the keeps, so there might be a while before there's any more updates.

[NightrawenII]

Beyond that, not much to comment at the moment. NightrawenII

I don't know if that means the rest of it isn't totally terrible, or it's too terrible to even address, but thanks either way.

You've certainly given me plenty to think about, that's for sure!

Well, originally there have been mordant remarks like "nice noodle of sidebar". But I want to tort... enjoy our cooperation a little longer, so I will give you breather to recover.

As for some suggestions?

Have you read Ferrata's Wings of Death? It's similar concept. Alternatively, there is always Age of Apostasy, ie. time when the Imperium was at strife with itself. The Fire Hawk's homeworld was nuked and Fang of Space Wolves was besieged by rebels.

It wouldn't be strange for perfectly loyal and dutiful Chapter to be expelled from its own area of responsibility by some hideous villains. -> Flee to some remote or isolated place to rebuild. -> Only to find out later that their home turf was taken by another Chapter => twist: the 'new' Chapter has defeated the rebels/xenos/whatever you have had here and thus earned their right to settle here and protect the area. Thus, the Stonebound are 'basically' waiting for perfectly loyal and dutiful Chapter to make a mistake in order to return... sinister and grimdark? Yes, please!

"Someday... Someday they will be gone and then... Then we will take what is rightfully ours!"

[Brother_Kovasir]

The Stonebound don't really have anything tying the various parts of the IA together, which makes it confusing and dull to write, and probably worse to read.

I actually really enjoyed reading it. I found the chapter truly interesting and must say keep up the good work!

And if anyone has any ideas, let me hear 'em. There's probably a nice, obvious solution I've missed.

I 'might' have skipped a page but I got the dwarf vibe, correct me if im wrong, but it seems to be a rather good fit with the chapter. However I am more curious about the chapters current direction, goals, most hated enemy besides =][=, etc.

 

My two cents. ;)

[Octavulg]

Use one of the ideas from post #19 to get them to the kind of place where they'd establish a semi-empire. Then establish the empire. Are you sure I can't talk you into being Salamander or Fist successors? It's so simple...

 

Another option would be have them establish recruiting rights, then keeps as Orkish incursions rise and the governors request more assistance or more of a permanent presence from the Chapter. This moves them more and more toward fortifications (albeit with sallies) over mobile combat, simply due to the quantity of Orks. Then the penitent Crusade happens - the remaining Marines are forced into fortification, Kagara pushes it still further in that direction, and the Penitent Crusade takes such a toll that not many return from it.

[Ace Debonair]

Well, originally there have been mordant remarks like "nice noodle of sidebar". But I want to tort... enjoy our cooperation a little longer, so I will give you breather to recover.

That's the first time someone's managed to make giving me a moment's respite sound threatening.

As for some suggestions?

Have you read Ferrata's Wings of Death? It's similar concept. Alternatively, there is always Age of Apostasy, ie. time when the Imperium was at strife with itself. The Fire Hawk's homeworld was nuked and Fang of Space Wolves was besieged by rebels.

It wouldn't be strange for perfectly loyal and dutiful Chapter to be expelled from its own area of responsibility by some hideous villains. -> Flee to some remote or isolated place to rebuild. -> Only to find out later that their home turf was taken by another Chapter => twist: the 'new' Chapter has defeated the rebels/xenos/whatever you have had here and thus earned their right to settle here and protect the area. Thus, the Stonebound are 'basically' waiting for perfectly loyal and dutiful Chapter to make a mistake in order to return... sinister and grimdark? Yes, please!

"Someday... Someday they will be gone and then... Then we will take what is rightfully ours!"

Ironically, I'd originally planned to have another Chapter involved.

The only problem is that then I have another Chapter to flesh out to some degree.

That's not to say the idea is off the table altogether, though. I'll definitely give it some thought.

The Stonebound don't really have anything tying the various parts of the IA together, which makes it confusing and dull to write, and probably worse to read.

I actually really enjoyed reading it. I found the chapter truly interesting and must say keep up the good work!

Actually, you've quoted me from almost two years previous there.

The Stonebound have gotten come quite a long way and gotten marginally better in my view since then.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, though!

And if anyone has any ideas, let me hear 'em. There's probably a nice, obvious solution I've missed.

I 'might' have skipped a page but I got the dwarf vibe, correct me if im wrong, but it seems to be a rather good fit with the chapter. However I am more curious about the chapters current direction, goals, most hated enemy besides =][=, etc.

My two cents.

There's probably room to expand on their continued wars with the Orks, but I'll get to that when everything else is settled.

Use one of the ideas from post #19 to get them to the kind of place where they'd establish a semi-empire. Then establish the empire. Are you sure I can't talk you into being Salamander or Fist successors? It's so simple...

I don't really like Dorn or Vulkan much, and I'd rather break my own hands than have a Chapter who venerates characters I don't really like. And I have no intention of breaking my hands anytime soon.

Another option would be have them establish recruiting rights, then keeps as Orkish incursions rise and the governors request more assistance or more of a permanent presence from the Chapter. This moves them more and more toward fortifications (albeit with sallies) over mobile combat, simply due to the quantity of Orks. Then the penitent Crusade happens - the remaining Marines are forced into fortification, Kagara pushes it still further in that direction, and the Penitent Crusade takes such a toll that not many return from it.

That's a good one, though.

Definitely plenty more to think about here.

[Brother_Kovasir]

Actually, you've quoted me from almost two years previous there.

The Stonebound have gotten come quite a long way and gotten marginally better in my view since then.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, though!

Yea I noticed that after I had posted the reply and realized I was on page 3 and there was a page 9. Derp.

I don't really like Dorn or Vulkan much, and I'd rather break my own hands than have a Chapter who venerates characters I don't really like. And I have no intention of breaking my hands anytime soon.

He(Octavulg) is right in that it could be easier to venerate those characters however I believe it would be 10x more difficult to do so if those characters are ones you don't particularly care for. :-P So I would argue keep doing what you're doing.

[Octavulg]

Ace, I've pondered things, and decided that I'm going to force you to suffer by reading my analysis of what the White Scars are without speed.

I know, right?

Well, the first line of their IA tells us that there's a paucity of sources, and most of the sources are the White Scars themselves. Jaghatai, as Khan, forces members of different tribes to serve together, and makes military service mandatory. He promotes on ability. He inspired a feeling of shared purpose. His forces fight based on mobility and their traditional hunting tactics. He finishes conquering the world shortly before the Emperor arrives, and is unsure what to do with it.

Their fortress monastery is like some kind of pleasure dome or something. High on a mountain, sheathed in marble, lots of nice stuff.

"Lightning fast hit and run attacks by highly mobile forces that destroy the enemy piece by piece and never allow a decisive engagement is their modus operandum."

"once a warrior has been chosen to join the White Scars, his tribal allegiance is replaced with loyalty to the Great Khan of the Chapter. Warriors from different tribes are therefore mixed with one another in squads to break up individual tribal loyalties. Squads are then organized into Brotherhoods, units which are roughly equivalent in size to a Codex company, though on average are slightly smaller.

The remainder of the Chapter is organized slightly differently to most Codex Chapters, due to the higher proportion of Bike squads and Land Speeder squadrons. The White Scars preferred fighting style does not allow them the use of as many heavy weapons as other Chapters and as a result they have no Devastator squads. Their reliance on fast moving fire support also means that most tanks are too slow for the White Scars, and those they do have are stripped down versions that can keep up with the rest of the army. Dreadnoughts are not employed by the White Scars, as the cold, metal sarcophagi of these mighty constructions evokes a horror of eternal confinement that goes against the White Scars` philosophy that when a warrior dies, his soul should be free to travel to the afterlife."

"They venerate the Emperor as the ultimate Uniter and as their founding father, but not as a deity."

"The Stormseers teach that it is the White Scars` duty to destroy the enemies of the Emperor in preparation for the day when he will rise from the Golden Throne to begin the next Great Crusade to unify the galaxy."

"The gene-seed of the White Scars appears to be stable and initially displayed on aberrations or mutation. However, with the introduction of genetic material from the steppes tribesmen, the genome seems to have inherited their wild savagery and thirst for war."

* * *

So, what could you do with all this?

The biggest problem has been the speed. To me, there's a number of elements to it:

Tactical maneuverability

Strategic maneuverability

The skills of the recruits

Now, two of those are easy to change. Tactical maneuverability depends on the terrain. The skills of the recruits depend on the recruitment base. So if your chapter rarely gets to fight on open terrain and their recruits are more familiar with standing and fighting, you'll lose those elements. You should, however, try and retain strategic mobility and sneakiness and stuff. And I think it would make some sense to have a strong cavalry arm. Could even do Thunderwolves. Dwarven cavalry aren't impossible, after all. Just unusual.

So what's left AFTER we deal with the tactics. I see a couple of elements:

Freedom - the White Scars don't like being confined or tied down.

Unity - that said, they're willing to do so in the service of a larger cause. Indeed, they seem to quite like larger causes. They seem especially keen on the Great Crusade and its goal of uniting mankind. They were very keen on wiping out the Chogorans. But they're not sure what to do once such goals have been achieved, and tend to be uncomfortable with it.

Ferocity - they're ferocious. They occasionally massacre people. These aren't civilized folks. Now, there's two ways to interpret this - the ferocity is part of the geneseed, or the White Scars geneseed is easily influenced by those it is implanted in. Either way could work well for your IA.

In any case, I hope that's been of some help to you.

[NightrawenII]

In the light of Octavulg's post:

 

At the beginning, there is x-y sector fractured into several warring planet-states (sort of like ancient Greece or China) each of them caught in never ending circle of blood feuds, grudges and petty resentments. This turmoil and squabbling is of great concern for High Lords of Terra and Chapter of Space Marines is send to deal with the situation. (Alternatively, the Chapter stumbles upon this by chance.)
The HLoT, in their great wisdom, don't send a Chapter of Guilliman's blood, but a Jaghatai's (khan is title, not name) = the Stonebound.

 

The Stonebound give a scary look to these rowdies, or slap in the face (or ten...) and make sure the truce is signed... with the Chapter acting as benefactor. Of course, the people are not going to forget all the nasty stuff the other guys did to them. So, in order to keep everyone under control the Chapter establisha Keep on every major planet or on the more rebellious ones. The recruitment of potential marines is given as official excuse (This is not lie, though. The martial prowess of these planets is exceptional.). The Chapter remains fleet-based or rotates between these Keeps on regular basis.

Now, here are two options.

#1 Some kind of nosey inquistor comes and see what the Chapter did here and s/he doesn't like it.

#2 The Chapter gets too much involved over time in the internal matters and begins to overstep its boundaries.

 

Either way, it leads to penitent crusade. Now, with watchdog gone, the area begins to slip into anarchy once again, but this time it will go a lot more awry. The Waaagh!! makes its way to sector, overrunning the planets like flood. Of course, the Imperium is not going to ignore the dirty xenos on Emperor's soil and crusade is launched with the intent of reclaiming the lost worlds. The mayhem ensues.

 

After a hundred years of penance, the bloody and battered Stonebound returns to their home, only to find a completely foreign place. The planet-states are all but gone, either wiped out by the Orks (who now occupy most of the habitable worlds) or rebuild to stem the green tide. With only one intact Keep, on the planet of Kagara, the Stonebound set off on the rebuilding of the Chapter and their lost dominion.

 

 

~NightrawenII

[Dosjetka]

I think Nightrawen has pretty much nailed it :tu:

[Octavulg]

Ha.  You boys need to dream bigger. 

 

The Stonebound may come to deal with the fractious worlds.  But they do this in the way Jaghatai Khan would have - they unite them in a higher cause. 

 

Populations are mobilized, and a crusade takes shape against nearby renegade and alien worlds.  The Stonebound are at the forefront.  Keeps are established to help deal with the casualties they take and to provide training to local populations.  The Crusade moves forward.  Maybe the Stonebound expand their numbers a little too much.  Part of the main body of the Stonebound moves from keep to keep, exhorting the population and dealing with local threats. 

 

The Inquisition shows up, and is much displeased.  They declare the chapter to have exceeded the bounds of the Codex, and order them to finish out the Crusade under Inquisitorial guidance as penitence.  Further recruitment is forbidden. 

 

Unfortunately, the Inquisition isn't as clever as they think they are.  Alien forces outflank the Crusade and conquer several worlds, rampaging through the home worlds of the Crusade.  Stonebound keeps fall into ruin or are abandoned as their garrisons are called into service by the exigencies of the Crusade.  The chapter manages to hold the line on but a few remaining keeps on worlds with particularly defensible terrain. 

 

Higher military authorities hear of this, and are shocked that an area that was expanding is now contracting because of Inquisitorial meddling.  They dispatch Guard to the region, and the situation is stabilized - in large part due to the bravery of the Stonebound, whose numbers have now dwindled greatly. 

 

As a reward for their service in the Crusade, the Stonebound's are given total lordship over Kagara.  The Inquisition, embittered by their loss of face through all this, confines the Stonebound to that world for a full two centuries.  Decimated, reduced to less than a company and with many of their geneseed stocks destroyed by the war, the Stonebound are forced to acquiesce. 

 

Kagara's terrain, bitterness, and a history of horrific last-ditch sieges of chapter keeps should be enough to move their tactics in the direction you need (while retaining a healthy cavalry arm, I suspect). 

[Brother_Kovasir]

You could also have Kagara's gravity be unsupportive of quick vehicles. Think Salamander's home world of Nocturne.

[Reyner]

Octavulg has a pretty good idea there, I would go with that one personally.

[Shinzaren]

Five hundred years since the death of Bhasar Khan, in the early days of M34, a gathering of Inquisitors arrived from Terra and accosted the Chapter. They brought claims that the Stonebound were guilty of Empire-building, and accused the Stonebound of planning a seccession from the greater Imperium. Evidence of the Stonebound's numerous recruitment worlds was brought forth, and the covenants once agreed with Planetary governors were used in impromptu courts to make the Chapter seem scheming and treacherous. Accusations of vast, underground complexes built to ward off Imperial citizens and rumours of vast subterraenean armouries containing ancient or heretical technology were levelled at the Chapter.

Why? This seems like a concerted and organized attack on the very basis of the Stonebound. Such attacks are usually instigated by someone. Someone who either carries a grudge or is looking to make a name for him/herself by being the one to bring a corrupt chapter to justice. This seems unprovoked and unplanned at the moment and it feels like it is happening solely because the story needs it to.

And so, as the days wore on, more Inquisitors were swayed to the side of the accusers. Those that could not be swayed - with an almost disturbing frequency - seemed to perish or disappear in unusual circumstances. The debate between Inquisitors raged for almost a month. The Stonebound found their every action noted, evaluated and used as evidence either for or against the claim of empire-building. Eventually, the accusing inquisitors levelled their ultimatum at the Chapter; complete a Penitent Crusade to the far galactic west, or be found disloyal and subject to purging.

See above. I want to know what happened here. How did so many Inquisitors drink the kool-aid? What has united and driven all these Inquisitors to such lengths? It seems rather odd that no one is looking into the disappearance of so many Inquisitors. Why is this one chapter worth all the trouble? Someone has to gain from the Stonebound's loss...

Chapter Master Dhorin Ironshield was unfazed by the Inquisitors' demands, although he requested leave to spare three companies to protect Ka-zil and the surrounding systems. Under the supervision of a trio of inquisitors, the other seven Companies of the Stonebound traveled west. Ork strongholds and Chaos incursions alike would suffer at the hands of the Stonebound, who struck like a vengeful hammer at every enemy of humanity until, after almost two hundred years, the Chapter was unanimously decreed to be 'true, loyal servants of the Emperor' and allowed to return home.

This ties in with the above. Who profited from all this? Why was the Inquisition so vehement that the Stonebound suffer, and why did the Crusade only take two hundred years?

With the majority of Stonebound forces away from Ka-zil and it's surrounding worlds, defence of these same planets proved problematic for the remaining three Companies. Another burgeoning Ork empire had made the Stonebound's territory it's target, and conflict with the brutish greenskins was a near-constant taks for the defending Chapter. On top of that, rebels, pirates and insurgents against the Imperium seemed almost to sense the Stonebound's grip on the sector was weakened, and took the opportunity to strike, attacking worlds that were under the Chapter's protection. The Chapter was left to defend these worlds alone - pleas for help seemed to fall on deaf ears. Eventually, word reached the Chapter that the gathering of Inquisitors who had initially tried the Stonebound had decreed that any force assisting the Chapter in defence of these planets would be held complicit in the crime of Empire-building, and tried accordingly. The Stonebound struggled valiantly to protect all they could, but they were too few and too thinly spread. World after world slipped from the Imperium, either trampled by Orks or enslaved by rebellious, would-be overlords.

Now the Inquisition just seems stupid. What vendetta is being pursued that must cost the Stonebound everything? You need a villain, someone they can confront in some way. Faceless Inquisitors just seem to appear and hate you...

When these worlds fell, the Inquisitors would marshall great hosts of Imperial Guard to reclaim the lost worlds. Each time a world was recaptured thusly, the Inquisitors would make a great display of banning the Stonebound from recruiting from these worlds on pain of excommunication and destruction. The three Companies, their numbers diminished by constant warfare, could only watch helplessly as their recruitment worlds were taken from them one by one.

Vendetta...

To this day, the Chapter continues to serve from their new home on Kagara, fighting for the Emperor's Dream. The Chapter is once again close to full strength, but takes recruits solely from Kagara now; the edicts passed long ago by the long-dead inquisitors who tried the Chapter are yet to be overruled, and those few who have tried to do so have spent their lives buried under bureaucracy, their pleas all but unheard by relevant authority.

Couldn't a friendly Inquisitor cut through the red tape? If the opponents to the Stonebound in the Inquisition are all long dead, what's stopping an allied Inquisitor from declaring that they can recruit again?

Pictured to the left is the heraldry of a typical Stonebound battle-brother. Pictured to the right is the heraldry of the 'Redshields', or First Company.

I like this scheme. I like it a lot actually!

Excerpt from the Legacy Saga

The word was young, the stars were clean

No wounds upon the sky were seen

Our Lord sat not on Golden Throne

But boldly strode the Earth alone

His lightning sword did strike his foes

His power and his banner rose

He brought together tribe and clan

To help reforge the worlds of Man

With potent seed and twisted gene

He then brought forth the Space Marine

And twenty Sons, great warriors all

In the golden times, before the fall...

...But shadow flickered past the glow

As forces Man should never know

Did twist and plot and cast their schemes

And whisper to His Sons in dreams

That they would be used and cast aside

Used to build the Emperor's pride

To make a realm for Him alone

To dictate to from Golden Throne

While those for whom his cause had fought

Would wither, die and be forgot.

They took these whispers deep to heart

and foulest Chaos took their part

The works that took so long to make

Took little enough to break

Foul Horus, once his Son most dear

Betrayed Him out of treachery's fear

And Son fought Son on Terra's soil

Those who once had been most loyal

Destroyed all that they had kept

And on his throne, the Emperor wept

But grief could not stay His might

Nor darkness hide the Emperor's light

His mighty sword did sweep away

The treacher of his Sons, and they

Did flee in terror through the sky

And hide in places low and high

But hiding did avail them nought

And so they reaped what they had wrought

Interr'd within the Golden Throne,

Sealed in halls of steel and stone,

In Terra's halls he guides us still,

A ruler, strong of mind and will,

The Emperor, who by thought alone

Will rise again from Golden Throne!

And lead us to a future bright

And bring to Man eternal light!

And we, descended of his line,

His legacy, for all of time,

The sons of Khan, the sons of war,

We, the Stonebound - Evermore!

We will answer to your call,

Hail the Emperor! Lord of all!

I really really really like this. This is excellently written and really gives a Dwarvish sense of history.

One striking similarity between Chapter and Kagaran culture is that marines must forge their own axe as their first task upon becoming a battle-brother. This axe is then used in the defence of the Imperium in much the same way Kagaran clansmen use their axes to defend their clans. Prayers are often ritually blended with acts of forging, groups of marines led in prayer by their Chaplains as they forge their weapons and armour.

Do Techmarines get mad or affronted by this? Or do they participate and aid in this task?

Librarians within the Chpater are referred to primarily as Sages, and they are tasked with the maintenance of Grudge Stones. Defeats or similar dishonours are carved onto Grudge-Stones by a company's Sages, and are carried by the dishonoured company until the Sages deem the grudge paid back in full. At this point the stone is broken in an elaborate ceremony. The breaking of a Grudge-Stone is considered a cause for celebration, and usually a feast to honour the dead and the brave.

This is almost dangerously Dwarfy. Still, it's a neat idea, though one that immediately makes me think of the Warhammer Dwarves.

Since the loss of Ka-zil, however, and the dark days after the Penitent Crusade, the Stonebound have become notably more reserved in their approach. Moving their forces slowly but implacably, the Stonebound are slower but infinitely more thorough in their advance, using heavier units such as Land Raiders and Terminators as cornerstones in their force, using fast attack elements only as support rather than as the defining focus of their tactics.

Do they have a lot of these precious resources? Wouldn't Terminator Armor and Land Raiders be in low supply since they lost their homeworld and the Imperial Bureaucracy hates them? Perhaps explain how they kept these cornerstones?

In the wake of the Penitent Crusade, rumours began to surface in the Imperium at large that one or more previously Stonebound-held worlds contain a hidden keep, replete with stocks of Stonebound geneseed amongst various other treasures. These rumours persist despite a lack of any evidence, but those few brave or foolish enough to ask the Chapter about them have recieved only the reply of cold silence.

Relevance? Do certain Chapter Masters embark on crusades to reclaim these long lost stores? Perhaps certain famous or foolishly infamous leaders have succeeded or wasted resources trying to retake them? Much like the Dwarf Kings, some of whom led mighty reconquests and others who simply wasted the lives and money of their kiongdom in a fool's errand? It would be interesting to see that not every Chapter Master is perfect and sometimes one ascends to leadership that he probably shouldn't have. I would like to see them launch successful or failed attempts to retake their worlds that are still in alien/enemy hands, much like the Dwarves they are modeled after.

All in All Ace, I really like this. You have come a long way since I first looked at them, and it was a welcome surprise to return and see your progress. I like the direction they are going and I look forward to the day you finish them.

[Ace Debonair]

All in All Ace, I really like this. You have come a long way since I first looked at them, and it was a welcome surprise to return and see your progress. I like the direction they are going and I look forward to the day you finish them. 

 

Ironically, for my part I am thoroughly unhappy with this Chapter. The more I look at the Stonebound, the worse they seem to get.

 

There's a lot of great ideas in the last few posts, but the thought of doing yet another re-write of this accursed, Emperor-forsaken Chapter is literally depressing me.

 

Ah well, I'll get it right one day.

And I can promise you, nobody is looking forward to that day one hundredth as much as I am.

[Octavulg]

Break it down to an outline and concepts, Ace. It's easier, and somehow feels less like work and more like you're just throwing hypotheticals around.

[NightrawenII]

*random input*

 

I'm not sure if this will helpful, but I have remembered a fantasy book, I read a long time ago. The story of that book (for these interested; Blood and Honor by Simon R. Green) is not really important, but there was rather peculiar tradition, oath to stone. According to this tradition, a young noble has to prove his pedigree by cutting his hand and touching the magic stone. If he si son of noble, good for him, if not the magic kills him in the instant.

 

I think the SB could use some variation of this tradition. Maybe the aspirants pledge their loyality to Emperor, Primarch and Chapter by smearing their blood on the Stone of Oaths or something.

 

 

~ NightrawenII

[Ace Debonair]

* Unearths Ancient Thread that doesn't know how to die*

Alright, I'll try and fix this Chapter. Again.

I know this'll end in headaches, but I'm not happy with the Chapter, so it needs sorting out.

I've dropped the Fallen Empire and Inquisition stuff as unneccesary and badly written (which it was, to be fair).

Only problem is, this leaves the Outline looking a bit sparse, particularly in the Recent History section.

Now I'm pretty much ok with that - it's much easier to add details than take them away - but if there's any glaring, obvious errors or omissions in my outline, I'm hoping someone will tell me sooner rather than later, before I start expanding it all out again.

EDIT:

Also, here's some models: