You know you're an Iron Hand when...

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Your response to the comment "Feirros is not worth it" is to shoehorn the Iron Father into a suitably modified Imperial Knight's Throne Mechanicum.

 

Feirros (as his Imperial Knight's TWIN DEMOLISHER CANNON vaporizes three Hammerhead gunships whose railguns failed to penetrate his ion shields): "Who's unworthy now, you fools who stand against the Emperor and His Imperium?"

[Bjorn Firewalker]

After reading No Guns Life, you resolve to replace your head with a quad lascannon, becoming the perfect weapon the Emperor may wield in defense of His Imperium. You're already giddy at thought of all the augmetic enhancements you'll need.

http://nogunslife.com/wp-content/themes/nogunslife/images/character/inui_pop.png

Iron Hands Brother Juzo: "I should relocate my brain into my chest cavity, to make room for the quad lascannon. My rib cage will have to be expanded to accommodate my brain, so I will need to replace the ribs with an adamantium shell. I might as well add a third, artificial heart while I am at it, to take advantage of the expanded chest cavity."

 

Juzo: "Without a skull, I will no longer be limited to two eyes, so I might as well install optics on the back and sides of my head, granting 360-degree vision- plus an integral auspex, to better aim the quad lascannon. I will also need to reinforce my backbone, hips, and legs to bear the weight, so I might as well install an artificial spine to serve as backup, so I will not be paralyzed or crippled in the event my original spine is severed. I should also boost the actuators at my joints, to improve my mobility- maybe even salvage a jump pack's turbines and mount them to my waist, so my silhouette will resemble that of a trench coat wearer."

 

Juzo: "An A2W nuclear reactor should provide sufficient energy to power the augmetics- unless I need to overcharge them in the face of a Daemon Prince- best install two reactors. I should also integrate a heavy bolter into the power fist replacing my right hand, so I can deliver a proper Funke Faust."

Edited December 10, 2019 by Bjorn Firewalker

[Aothaine]

When the local Adeptus Mechanicus is planning on holding a symposium on how to advance yourself through machine augmentation and you are the star guest speaker.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

You try to make your other armies more "Iron Hands-y."

 

For example: The Black Templars player who tried to have an Imperial Knight "count as" the Emperor's Champion. Or the Astra Militarum player who tried to have a Land Raider count as a guardsman.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Khorne worshipers leave the battlefield the moment you arrive.

 

Khârn the Betrayer: "I do not fear the Iron Hands' courage, or their augmetically enhanced strength. I simply do not see the point in fighting machine men with no blood for me to shed in Khorne's name, or skulls to harvest for the Skull Throne. No, look again, before I carve out your eyes: the Iron Hands have no skulls, they relocated their brains to the adamantium shells replacing their rib cages, so gun turrets may replace their heads.

 

"Yes, I admit it is frustrating the quad lascannon-headed Iron Hand keeps sending me to Khorne's realm before I may cross blades with him."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

When your child asks, "Can we get a puppy?" you buy an AIBO... with a head-mounted GLOCK 18... and an IFF interrogator, so it won't shoot you or your family members by mistake (your family members already have IFF systems implanted).

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

Is that even supposed to be funny or what?!

[Iron Father Ferrum]

This thread stopped being funny a long time ago but Bjorn keeps coming back so I don't have the heart to kill it.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Is that even supposed to be funny or what?!

If you can do better, post your "You know you're an Iron Hand when..." here.

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

You know you’re an Iron Hand when Malcador sez

 

NO MAGNETS FOR YOU :D

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Good one, Black Blow Fly!

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

:)

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster" is your personal theme, one you make every effort at living up to via hypno-indoctrination to eliminate fear and other emotional weaknesses from your mind, augmetic enhancement to eliminate physical weaknesses from your body, etc.

(Think a reversed version of the official video, of human youths being transformed into something more than human- Astartes.)

Edited July 23, 2021 by Bjorn Firewalker

[Aothaine]

When your company holds a Rube Goldberg Machine contest while in route to your mission.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

You know you’re an Iron Hand when Malcador sez

 

NO MAGNETS FOR YOU

When you successfully counter with the argument "I need the magnets to make my own railguns!"

 

Cue the Emperor ordering the Fabricator-General to deliver tons of magnets to you.

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

And then the Emperor SEZ "NO XENOS TECH 4 U!" :D

[Bjorn Firewalker]

And then the Emperor SEZ "NO XENOS TECH 4 U!" :D

The railgun and the Hammerhead gunship are NOT the products of xeno technology, but of human technology the thieving Tau stole from its rightful owners- watch TRON, compare the Light Tank to the Hammerhead, and the Light Cycle to the Piranha.

 

The AdMech should sponsor an Iron Hands' crusade to reclaim those long-lost STC patterns from the thieving xenos.

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

Hertik !

[Bjorn Firewalker]

You try to kitbash a Land Raider model so it can transform into a war robot made in the Primarch's image, to honor him...

 

And YOU SUCCEED.

 

(This Optimus Prime actually transforms into the Rolling Thunder, a G.I. Joe vehicle; but it's a good starting point for kitbashing a Land Raider into a Transformer.)

Edited June 3, 2020 by Bjorn Firewalker

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

When Slaneesh Grav locks you to a wall but your remaining fleshy bits helps you break free and you crush all the Hertikz... HARD

[Bjorn Firewalker]

You think being a "harem anime protagonist" means having an armory with a large variety of weapons.

 

Iron Father Tenchi: "Should I go to war wielding a storm bolter in one hand, a power sword in the other, as is my custom? The heavy flamer? The new assault cannon with which Magos Washu gifted me? The Great Crusade-era reaper autocannon, which Iron Chaplain Yosho confirmed is untainted? Or go the other route, and optimize for close combat, with storm shield and thunder hammer? The matched pair of lightning claws?"

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

Chaplain Yosho "errrr... just make up your mind dang nabit." :D

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Chaplain Yosho "errrr... just make up your mind dang nabit."

Iron Father Tenchi: "How can I choose between all these wonders? I must wield them all!"

 

Iron Chaplain Yosho (palms his face as Tenchi fixes the heavy flamer on one side of his carapace-mounted Cyclone missile launcher, the storm bolter on the other side; the assault cannon to his left gauntlet, the reaper autocannon to his right; the power sword, thunder hammer, and lightning claws to his Terminator armor's servo-arms): "That boy..."

 

Ferrus Manus' spirit (giving Tenchi a thumb up): "That's my boy!"

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

You know you’re an Iron Hans when your picture of mom is a toaster. :D

[Machine God]

You know that you're an Iron Hand when you see the new box set with all the cool Xenos opponents and begin to see cyborg kitbash components and and potential.

 

This may be the way to kick me into Primaris even if there has to be a heavy Xenology Cult influence.